Low Cost Dating

Kathy M. Kristof writes about personal finance in the Los Angeles Times. She had an article recently on low cost dates.

But a new study by [ING Direct USA] indicates that cheap dates might be dicey for guys. The reason: When asked what words they associate with a frugal blind date, women said a guy would be stingy and boring, while men thought a frugal girl would be smart and sexy.

Another example of how men and women are not interchangeable.

The tough news for guys is that this smart and sexy girl is probably going to expect her male counterpart to pick up the check, said Evan Marc Katz, a Los Angeles dating coach and author of "Why You're Still Single." That used to be because women earned considerably less than men, if they worked at all; now it's because women find a generous man nurturing.

"It's not about money per se," Katz said. "The appearance of generosity in a date is very important to women."

Right. There's always going to be some reason, isn't there? So much for equality.

Crudely speaking, in many cases, the real reason is that men want sex more than women do. Yes, there are some women, especially during certain times in their lives, that want sex more than some men. But in general, men as a group want sex more than women as a group. Exhibit A: Most the overwhelming majority of prostitution customers are male. Modern day dating (and in some cases, marriage) is often little more than prostitution. You'll find women who vehemently deny this, of course- usually the same women that will have sex with a guy they barely know if he spends money on them. (I had an instructor in college who shared a good laugh with me during his office hours when we noted which young women in class objected most strenuously to this notion.)

In the more idealistic sense, the claim by marriage-and-family-minded people who believe in traditional gender roles is that men pay for dates because they are demonstrating that they can provide for a wife. Really? Putting more debt on your credit card trying to impress a woman you barely know would indicate the opposite to me. If a woman wants to know a man can provide for a wife there are many other ways of doing that. For example, I recommend exchanging credit reports, income, and asset information before setting a wedding date.

The article goes on to give some suggestions for less expensive dates.

"If a man goes out on two dates a week, and 50% of the women don't want to see him again, he's spending a lot of money on strangers," Katz said. "There's no correlation between a good date and an expensive date. If she thinks there is, she's probably not the right person."

Right. Now, if you're with the person you’re going to marry, will there be expensive outings you'll both enjoy? Sure, because there are things both of you want to do, especially together. But a man who is dating casually with the eventual hope of getting married should save as much of his money as possible for the future. If he doesn't want to get married, then he’s going to be saving it for himself alone. A guy who is just dating for sex is better off letting the quasi-hookers move on, and instead dealing with the many women who decide whether or not they're going to have sex with a guy within five minutes of meeting him; they will do it regardless of how little he spends. In fact, they'll probabably get turned off if he spends a lot of money and tries to demonstrate that he actually cares about her.

I'm so glad I don’t have to deal with this any more. Any money I spend on a date is an investment in my marriage. I earn income, and half of it is legally my wife's. But the reality is, like most wives, she makes most of the spending decisions. She does a darn good job of stretching our dollars, too.

Ringing Up a Problem

Here's another woman upset about getting jewelry. FEELING "USED" IN PENNSYLVANIA is "deeply hurt" - she wrote:

My boyfriend, "Paul," and I have been dating for four years.

That's a bit of a long time for someone who is looking to get married.

He has recently started talking about purchasing an engagement ring for me. Paul is well-off, although very frugal, which is how he accumulated most of his wealth.

Well, it is how he has retained wealth.

Paul has been searching online sites for a used ring. He says he "doesn't want to waste his money on a new engagement ring when he can buy a used one." This from a man who didn't think twice about spending thousands of dollars to buy his son a brand-new car or a brand-new boat for himself.

Hmmm. Doesn't sound so frugal to me. But notice that vehicles are functional items that deteriorate over time – such as with mechanical failures that can weaken their level of safety - in ways that jewelry does not. So, he could have had practical reasons for buying new vehicles.

Am I wrong to feel I'm only worth a used engagement ring?

Feelings are one thing, but you are wrong to think you are only worth any ring, no matter how big or new.

This is the most precious gift he could give me -- a sign of our love and commitment -- and I would cherish it forever.

Really? That's the most precious gift he could give you – the ring, and not what it symbolizes?

When a woman's man wants to buy her a piece of jewelry, I can't think of many instances where she should complain about that. If she were to buy him tickets to the big game, he should not complain if they aren't the best, most expensive seats in the venue.

Dear Abby responded:

There's a difference between frugal and just plain cheap. That Paul would tell you he considers buying you a new engagement ring is a WASTE shows insensitivity to your feelings.

It is a waste if he can get the right ring used.

Would he also prefer that your wedding gown come from a thrift store?

There's nothing wrong with that, per se. Used does not always mean something will be in bad shape.

She knows he is frugal. Is she going to feel this way about gifts, vacation, dinners, etc. throughout their marriage? Maybe they aren't right for each other. If it is really that important to her, she can find a man who will enthusiastically shell out top dollar for a brand new ring.

I had my wife's ring made to order. She gave me very loose guidelines about what she preferred – she did not go shopping with me. She tells me all of the time that she loves it, and she tells me that even after finding the documents (she insisted on organizing my files) showing I had paid about one-third the retail value of the ring, because I bought it wholesale. She is happy I saved money on the ring. But we are talking about a woman who found a beautiful wedding dress for an unheard of low price and was happy to save the money, wore the dress proudly, and told people how inexpensive it was.