Learn to Say No

Something any adult needs to thrive and to protect themselves is to learn to be comfortable saying "No."

You do not need to, nor is it healthy, to try to satisfy every request that anyone brings to you. Some religious people mistakenly think that if someone comes to them with a request, they are supposed to say yes, or at least find a solution for them. But that's not what the Lord does. The Lord often tells people "No." If you're ever going to parent, and most of you shouldn't, you'll have to say "NO!" quite a bit.

Do you ever find yourself agreeing to someone else's request or demand, only to regret it later or even immediately, or looking for ways to back out, or simply not showing up?

There are two relationships a man can have that make saying "No" extremely difficult:

1. His relationship with his wife

2. His relationship with his boss

Both have to do with his financial well-being. His wife can take away over half of everything he's earned (and his children!). His boss can fire him.

Men can avoid or mitigate this problem by saying no to marriage in the first place, and by being self-employed or at least having an Emergency Fund.

It should be easier to say "No" to anyone else, whether the person at your door, on your phone, or in your inbox claiming to be a salesperson, the panhandler on the street, the traffic cop who asks to check inside your vehicle with no probable cause or warrant, relatives, neighbors, someone you're dating, and just about everyone else.

People do need cooperation, so of course there are times you should say "Yes" even if it wasn't your idea, or isn't exactly what you want to do right now, because it is the right thing to do or because it will help you reach your other goals. But there we be times when you'll need to say "No" to avoid people walking all over you, or overextending yourself, or moving further away from your goals, or giving up your dreams, or any number of other reasons.

The more self-sufficient and independent you are, the easier it will be for you to say no. If you can walk away from something and be happy or at least content or satisfied, or more than you'd be if you'd said yes, that's a great place to be.

Two Types of No: No as in "absolutely not," and no as in "sweeten this deal and maybe I'll say yes." Let's look at both of those.

Justifying Unmarried Fornication is Not the Same As Planning to Cheat on Your Spouse

Ah, two entries in a row inspired by the Dr. Laura Show. As I often do, I'll say I love her show, books, etc. and I generally agree with her and I think she does a lot of good for people.

With that out of the way...


In the first hour of yesterday's (March 3, 2015) show, a woman called to ask about letting an unmarried middle-aged couple stay in the same room of her family home while they visited for an event to which they were going. The caller was against it; her husband was OK with it. She and her husband did NOT shack up themselves. Her husband was justifying the fornication of their friends by saying that dating was to get to know someone, and sex was part of that and people did it so they wouldn’t get "defrauded" into marriage. Dr. Laura claimed that the statistics are that when people don't shack up and don't have sex before marriage that their "success rate in marriage is much greater".

I’d like to believe that. That's how my wife and I handled it, after all, and this is a claim I have always accepted. I think I've gone into great detail about that before on this blog about the various  reasons that statistic might be true. One of them is that the kind of person who is willing to wait until marriage for sex and cohabitation is also likely to avoid filing for divorce, no matter how miserable or toxic things get.

Anyway, if the call had ended there, that would have been great. But it didn’t.

Dr. Laura then told the caller to be "very worried" about her husband's mentality because "sex outside the marriage may be the next thing he justifies." The caller was stunned. "Yeah," Dr. Laura continued, "He’s going in a direction, can't you see that?" Then when the caller revealed they got married when he was 45 (he'd never been married before) Dr. Laura said she would have talked the caller out of that one, and ended the call. But she went on to say "He's creeping out from under the covers. We're hearing more and more the truth."

Really?

There are many, many people who think it is "OK" for middle-aged people to fornicate monogamously with each other who do NOT think it is OK to cheat on their spouse and never would cheat on their spouse. I know, I know, there are people who say fornication is cheating on your future spouse, which, of course, assumes someone will have future spouse. But that's a very specific religious view. I'm instead talking about general mindsets in society.

I largely agree with Dr. Laura’s overall moral mindset, but I know there are many people who do not think like "us" and thus do not see all sex outside of marriage under the same general category of immorality. In their minds, cheating on a spouse is entirely different than having sex with your longtime monogamous partner you are with under the intention of finding a spouse.

I'm not sure telling that wife to be suspicious of her husband was a productive thing to do.




The more likely way this pertains at all to the marriage of the caller is that her husband himself might feel like he was defrauded. But the caller said they didn't shack up, not that they didn't fornicate. I'm fairly certain from what the caller said and didn't say that they did fornicate and so the husband "knew what he was getting himself into".

So Dr. Laura's nudging of the wife towards suspicion seemed to me to be a mistake on her part. The call should have been ended with the fact that the wife is co-owner of the home (assuming she is - she might not be given the ages, and if she's not Dr. Laura probably would have said that was wrong, too) and she doesn't want unmarried couples spending night together in her home, and that should be the deciding factor.

Dealing With a Bratty Wife

Anyone have any advice of how to deal with a bratty (or bitchy, or whatever you want to call it) wife? It isn't so much that she's being a brat to me (she is, somewhat). It is that she's been bratty towards others, needlessly antagonizing them when they don't do what she wants, when she wants, how she wants. Example... she wanted her brother to babysit. He declined. She started ripping into him about what a loser she thinks he is, point out that she went to college, graduated, got her career going, and doesn't abuse alcohol or pot or illegal drugs (she just loads up on coffee, candy/sugar, and has multiple prescription pills she pops), while he is unemployed, has no college education, and has abused substances... but we still trust him to watch our kids for short amounts of time.

I gently asked if her treatment of her brother was going to make it more or less likely he will want to babysit for us in the future.

I'd like to apologize to her brother and others she's been acting this way towards lately, but I have a strong belief in marital unity and not going behind your spouse's back, and all of that. Besides, she should be the one apologizing, right? Do I encourage her to do so?

My wife has been especially stressed out because of a series of things, but currently it is about an impending surgery. But... dealing with stressful things is part of life and no excuse to antagonize people.

Any tips or suggestions about what to say/do towards her or the people she's antagonized?

Please don't say sex. I can't sleep with her brother. But seriously, sex doesn't relax her or put her in a better mood. It does relax me and put me in a better mood, though. And yes, I do realize I could have avoided dealing with a bratty wife by marrying someone else or not marrying at all. But here we are.

What Ever Happened to Surprising Someone?

What do you think about requests for certain gifts? What about wish lists? SOLICITED IN ARIZONA wrote into Dear Abby:

My mother-in-law has a terrible habit. She tells us what she wants for gifts in the form of e-mails with Web links to things she wants.

While that is getting out of line, my wife and I have found letting people know about our Amazon.com wish lists is a good thing. I know that if I buy her something from that list, she will not be disappointed. But letting someone know about your wish list should be as aggressive as you get.

One year, she bought a pair of $700 earrings and told her fiance that he bought them for her birthday. He actually had to reimburse her.

No, he didn't. He could have kicked her to the curb, and he should have. Does he want a lifetime of that?

I have a problem with someone telling me what she wants when I haven't asked. I also don't like being told how much to spend.

It is important to have a variety on the wish lists that includes low-cost items.

My husband is used to it. He doesn't know how to say no to her.

Lucky you.

My wife gets a little bent out of shape when someone ignores her wish list. My attitude is that any gift to me is welcome, whether it is off of my list or not. Nor do I even expect a gift at all. Why? Gifts are supposed to be voluntary. That is what makes them gifts. I value home-made gifts from my wife most of all.

The Husband Who Wasn't There, and an Insecure Fiancee

Let's take a break from deadly and violent crime stories. A recent Dear Abby installment had a couple of great letters.

ALONE AND LONELY IN INDIANA wrote:

"Ralph" and I have been married a little over a year. It's the second marriage for both of us. We were both single for six years after our divorces, so we had time to become independent.

What we aren't told is how long they dated before they married, and what that was like.

Ralph still spends his evenings and weekends the way he did when he was a bachelor.

What, is he out on the bars and clubs? It his hitting on other women?!?

He stays in the garage and watches TV alone.

Oh. Is that all he is doing out there? If he is alone, how you do know he isn't engaged in another hobby, or some other interest? What is on TV? Is it something the rest of the family wouldn't care to watch or shouldn't watch?

We have talked about it, set up family time, and even bought the large-screen TV he wanted for the living room, but still he hides out in the garage. He comes in only to eat and use the bathroom.

Really? He sleeps and showers out there, and goes without sex?

I have two children from my last marriage, and the younger one feels deeply hurt because my husband spends no time with him.

Ah. So the biodad isn't around? You didn't notice Ralph's behavior before you married? Or it was okay or him to be that way before you married, and you didn't make it clear that you'd expect him to be different after the wedding?

Well Ralph shouldn't have gotten married to a woman with minor kids, and you shouldn't have married him. But now that you are in this situation, you might be able to lure him by doing activities that would interest him. Maybe he needs direction, like a list of honey-dos, and when he does them, thanking him will help encourage him. If he really, truly isn't interested it doing anything but watching TV, then he really wasn't marriage material to begin with, which is perhaps why his first marriage ended.

Otherwise, if he pays the bills and scares off potential predators, at least that is something.

As for me, I'm the kind of guy who enjoys solitary activities - writing, watching DVDs, listening to music, reading, etc. But I place the needs of my wife and children over what I want to do at any given moment. That means I do a lot less of those things than I did when I was unmarried and childless. If you can't handle the fact that there will be new demands on your time, guys, then don't get married. Stay unmarried. You'll be able to spend your time as you want with fewer moral and social conflicts.

Dear Abby responded:

If you married Ralph thinking you could change the way he acted as a bachelor, that you would have companionship and your children would have an attentive father, you may have married the wrong man.

It can't be stated enough: Women should never expect that a guy will change for the better. He may, and he should, but it doesn't mean he will. The only guarantee is that he will get older. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Guys shouldn't expect women to change (other than getting older) either.

If Ralph was happy and at ease, he would not be hiding out in the garage.

Maybe that is what makes him happy and at ease?

NAMELESS IN GRAND PRAIRIE, TEXAS is way too insecure:

My fiance insists upon asking our server's name if it is not offered when she approaches our table. I am insulted that he even cares. Personally, I do not want him asking for another woman's name in my presence. I find it rude.

Does he not do it when the server is male?

He, on the other hand, thinks it's rude if the server does not introduce herself.

He's right. And referring your server by their name is the polite thing to do.

And if you are this insecure, he should run the other way and NOT marry you.

Guys, if you're going to get married, save yourself a world of trouble and avoid marrying a woman who is this insecure. She'll make your life hell. Now, there's a difference between a woman rightfully noting to her man in private that he shouldn't have been leering and drooling over another woman in public, but that's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about the kind of woman who will want to sniff your penis when you come home to make sure another woman has gone nowhere near it... the kind of woman who will alienate your female coworkers... the kind of woman who, if an attractive woman walks anywhere in your line if sight, will yell, "WHAT? DO YOU WANT TO F--- HER?!? YOU DO, DON'T YOU?!?"

Run for the nearest exit.

It also isn't a good sign that she has such little regard for servers.