Why Your Husband Isn't Pursuing You

...Or is outright rejecting you.

Dr. Laura recently [this entry has been bumped up from August 2017] had a call of the day that was about a married couple not having sex. The caller was the wife and she wanted to know what to do. Her show's Facebook page linked to it, and many very revealing comments were left there.

Jamie's husband works all day and when he comes home, he is too tired for sex. What can Jamie do to bring the spark back?

Let's look at some of the comments:

Today's Dear Abby is Exhibit A For Why Men Shouldn't Marry

Here it is. Today's Dear Abby column.

I have been married for four months. My husband and I love each other very much.

Awwwwwww. How sweet!

Although he has asked me multiple times for sex, we have only made love twice.

EJECT! EJECT! He needs to bail NOW, no matter how much money he spent on the wedding, the honeymoon, and everything else so she could have her narcissistic moments. If he's like most men, he shouldn't have married in the first place.

But wait... I'm sure some of you are thinking he's just not jumping through enough hoops. If only he was a better, more romantic lover, right? Yeah, well read on...

My problem is, sex doesn't interest me. In fact, the thought of it terrifies me.

What did she think she was doing by getting married?!? She was thinking she was going to have her bills paid. A live-in bodyguard. An attention slave.

I hate saying no because I know it hurts him, but I'm always scared that I won't enjoy it.

So according to present-day standards, he's raped her twice. Don't marry, guys! It's a burden on women.

I have apologized almost every time I turn him down. He always says I don't need to be sorry and we'll only do it when I'm comfortable, but I'm scared I might not ever be comfortable with it.

And does he go for a drive or lock himself in the bathroom for a while after he says that? This is also the kind of woman who would pitch a fit if she found out he was masturbating to porn and would tell her family, her friends, the Bible study group, her pastor, and she would insist he's a cheater who needs to go to rehab and put filtering and "accountability" software on his devices.

Plus I have doubts that I've ever had an orgasm.

She she's never masturbated to orgasm.

THIS IS THE RISK OF "WAITING". Yes, there are risks. This is one of them. I specifically asked my wife, before we married, if she was able to give herself orgasms for this very reason. Still ended up being a disaster, but at least I tried.

How should I approach this?

1) Admit you have perpetrated a fraud.

2) File for annulment or divorce. Insist that he doesn't owe you anything. Don't make him pay for lawyers, pay alimony, or anything like that. Let him keep/take what he wants. If he wants to stay where you live, you move out. Give him the ring back if he provided it.

3) Pay him back for whatever he spent on the wedding, even if this takes you a while.

4) Either avoid relationships, find a gay man who wants a beard, or get some serious therapy/medical attention.

Not Feeling It

Do you know someone who is asexual? "Internally Perplexed" wrote in toe Dear Margo:

I am a 21-year-old male who has come to terms with the fact that I am asexual. I have no interest in either sex and, for the most part, don’t mind it.

In our sex-obsessed society*, some people refuse to believe that such people exist. I'm fairly certain I know at least one.

However, my family seems to have an extremely difficult time accepting that I don't want to go out and "fool around" with women.

They're afraid you are gay. Or maybe they want grandchildren, nieces, and nephews. Or maybe it is both. Plus, people tend to think other people should have the same feelings and urges that they do.

I find it incomprehensible and unfair to go out with a woman and not be able to return her feelings for me, if such were to arise.

Good for you! Too many people don't think this way, especially if they realize they can find someone to take care of them financially if they fake it for a while.

I continue dreaming of having a family with children, but if I don't hold a desire to be with either sex, is it even possible?

Well, sure, it is possible. You can find a woman who is also "asexual" and do it just enough to conceive children. Or you can adopt together. But lovemaking is also great relationship cement, and if you aren't going to have that, you'd better have other things keeping you together and happy. Do you really want a lifelong roommate? Plus, there's the risk that one of you will change (like get a hormone surge), and the other won't, and that will really make things difficult.

Dear Margo responded:

Regarding your family, I suspect they will have a tough time comprehending your emotional makeup, it being foreign to them, so just make the statement that, so far, you've not met anyone who interests you enough to pursue.

Families not only have a tough time with a member being asexual, they also have a tough time with a member who does not want children or does not want to get married. I hope I never treat any of my family that way, because I don't think people should get married or have children unless they really, really want to and have found the right spouse and are prepared to be the right spouse/parent - AND have undergone extensive counseling.

There is the additional possibility of being a single parent.

NO!!! ARGH!!!! His desire to raise children should not trump a child's need to have both a mother and a father.

========
*If you don’t think we're sex-obsessed, where are the parallels in other aspects of life to:

Stripping?
Porn?
Sexual harassment?

I mean, we all need to eat, and many of us eat way too much, but who pays to watch a steak slowly unveiled and waved around? Why don't we have "nutritional harassment" prevention training in the workplace, even though some people are vegans, some keep kosher, etc.? Why don't we use the phrase "nutritional orientation", or have laws protecting people from discrimination based on their "nutritional orientation"? How much of our media (music, sitcoms, "reality" shows, cinema) is about sex as opposed to eating?