I'm Not Better Off From Marrying

Over and over again, men are told that marriage is good for men (by people who should admit they have ulterior motives). I maintain that more often than not, it is NOT good for a breadwinning man who has his act together. Most marriages are failures. While individual wives, through their voluntary decisions, can make a man’s life better, that is a minority and is despite, not because of, the general culture as well as family laws and courts; she can do these things without a state marriage license. Plus, you can’t be sure she actually will be net positive in a man’s life until everything has been said and done, but that man can tell if he’s living a miserable life at any given moment.

Recently I considered my own situation. [This entry is bumped up from August 2017. Significant stuff has happened since then, and not for the better.]

Am I better off because I’m married?

Another Round of Whining About Dr. Laura

A mob of "victims" is trying to cancel Dr. Laura again.

You see, ideally, according to Dr. Laura and tradcons and the like, a man and a woman marry and then make babies together and raise those babies to adulthood together.

That's not the controversial part this time.

People Dr. Laura Schlessinger Has Pissed Off

Dr. Laura has pissed off a lot of people. Here's a list that I do not claim to be exhaustive.

[UPDATE November 2019: Per my permission, this list appears in the latest book by Dr. Laura, under the title of something like "96 Kinds of People Who Hate Dr. Laura" or something like that. I'm honored.]

In no particular order:

A New Disqualifier For Wife Material

If you're a guy who is getting pressure to "settle down and marry" from anyone, I've previously told you how to get people off of your back by pointing out that there is no compatible woman for you who is wife material. Although you can eliminate all women already, there's now another disqualifier that will come in handy:

A woman can't be your wife and the mother of your children if she has nudes or sex videos out there. 

This will eliminate most women. Thanks to smart phones, most women in your "acceptable" age range for a wife have those out there. Either she has sent them to at least one person or someone else took such pictures or videos. Either way, once it is out there, it will never go away and it will always exist. Your kids might see them.

I picked this up from Dr. Laura. She warns young women and girls that good guys won't want them if they are sending such pics and videos, and let's prove Dr. Laura right!

"But shouldn't people be forgiven of their past?" Sure. But this isn't about forgiveness. It is about the environment created for your potential marriage and family created by something that will never go away. You have every right to say you don't want a wife who has nudes or sex videos out there. Just like women are free to declare they will never date a guy who watches porn. Standards are good things, right?

Honestly, I wouldn't give a crap if my wife had such media out there. Actually, if she had ever been that sexually adventurous things might be better. And you might not care either. But the important thing is that it is another valid way for you to continue to avoid marriage, so you can pretend to care.

Very, very few women are wife material.

Very few or none of them are compatible with you.

So don't marry.

That Boy Needs the Real Facts of Life

A recent Dear Abby letter from HEAVY-HEARTED MOM shows why parents need to give teen boys and young men the real facts of life.

My son, a high school senior, was in a relationship with a young woman who broke up with him and began dating his best friend.

There's your first problem. A high school guy shouldn't be in a "relationship".

He was heartbroken.

He needs to learn not to care. Seriously. I know he's young. But he should still strive to get to where I was at one point: I was dating a woman for a while... maybe a couple of months. One day she told me that she was going back to her ex-boyfriend. Didn't bother me in the least. Why? I hadn't expected it to last, I had already gotten what I wanted, and there were other women to date. Not dating her simply freed up my time for others. I hadn't made her the center of my world. He shouldn't have made this girl the center of his world.

Revisiting My Revisting of My Series on the Claim Married Men Get More Sex

In December 2016 I wrote:

It's been more like once every three weeks now, although my wife has just agreed to try to get it up to three times per week. The problem is, after everything that's happened and the things she's said repeatedly, including recently, and done, it is difficult for me to be turned on to her. Sex is a burden and chore for her and she deliberately avoids orgasms except for rare times. Yes, I'm still physically attracted to her and want to enjoy her body and treat her well, but treating her well seems to be leaving her alone, and emotionally it's a mess. Like just about every other plan to which she agrees, the plan to at least make out more often will probably be dropped quickly.

Yeah, that didn't even get off the ground. Once every three weeks or less, and usually it is one-sided, as in she will give me some relief while expending as little energy as she can, and that's it, or she will let me do what I can for her (which I enjoy a lot) and she will be "unable" to do anything to me.

I Don't Know Why Dennis Prager Has Been Divorced Twice

People occasionally find this blog because they want to know why talk show host, public speaker, author, and columnist Dennis Prager has been divorced twice.

I don't know why, other than the fact that he married.

You can't be divorced if you never marry.

These days, it sounds like he's happy in his third marriage, which, if it holds, will beat the odds.

You can read his columns mentioning marriage, view Prager University videos about marriage and female-male interactions, and listen to his weekly "male/female" hour to get some clues, but I've done those things and I really don't know why he's twice divorced. Maybe he wanted more sex. Maybe he was too kinky. Maybe his exes couldn't abide his honesty that husbands still enjoy looking at other women. Don't know.

If I recall correctly, he sees marriage as a contract (as does the law, by the way, but Prager thinks it has some different terms than the law), and if one spouse refuses to live up to the contract, divorce is not only acceptable, but often the right thing to do.

I don't know if he filed or his two ex-wives filed.

Maybe he doesn't think it is fair to talk about why his marriages ended, given that his ex-wives don't have the media soapboxes he does. Maybe he's ashamed or embarrassed. Or maybe he thinks he's entitled to a private life, which he is.

Still, I am curious and so are others. My curiosity is based on his consistent insistence that a guy must marry to be a man and his marriage-selling. It sure would be interesting to know why his two divorces happened and what the terms were.

As a bit of an aside, he maintains that divorce isn't really bad for the children, it is about how the spouses-then-ex-spouses behave that an be bad. But by the same logic, marriage doesn't make a man mature or better. It is how he behaves. So men can display all of the character traits he values without signing a bad state contract.

An Unique Escape Hatch For Engaged Men

Sir, are you engaged to be married?

The National Emergency and global pandemic we're dealing with right now gives you an unique escape hatch to avoid marriage, especially if your wedding is scheduled and rapidly approaching.

Service providers are shutting down. Venues are closing down. People aren't traveling.

How can you have or even plan a wedding in these circumstances?

Tell your fiancée that the wedding needs to be delayed. Most likely, she will agree, because she wants the big party, and the series of associated parties, and those just can't happen with things like this.

Now, there's a chance she'll say she wants to go to the courthouse or the county office and have a small legal ceremony, and she will probably include that the big formal wedding, or at least reception, can be later.

Try to convince her that it would be best to wait and keep the legal wedding as the same thing as the big ceremony.

Then, while the wedding is "delayed," you can plan your escape. No, you can't keep the relationship. She's going to want to get married.

Desperate situations call for desperate measures.

Congrats to the Guys Who Avoided the Prom and Promposals

If you were enjoying your time in high school, you might be bummed that it was abruptly ended for you, especially if you were a Senior.

But guys, at least you have avoided The Prom and, hopefully, an embarrassing Promposal.

You're better off.

Shut In

Today, Dennis Prager wondered on his radio program if the shutdown, and having to stay home, is causing unmarried guys to think they should've married.

I'm confident far more husbands are regretting that they married than there are unmarried guys wishing they were married.

I would be much better off right now if I was living alone.

Meanwhile, on yesterday's Dr. Laura show, there was a woman complaining that with the shutdown, her husband wanted too much sex.

Stay free, guys.

Valentine's Day Aftermath

Are you an unmarried guy who just spent a lot of money and effort on Valentine's Day, only to get what you used to get all of the time? Or did you get less than that?

Did you even propose marriage and give her a ring?

If you're not married, and you just made a big deal about Valentine's Day, and especially if you proposed marriage, you need to step back and think about what you've done and you are doing. Are you regretful? Are you doubting? Are you asking yourself "Why did I do that?" If not, you probably should be.

Most men shouldn't be in exclusive relationships, and certainly not marriage!

Most unmarried men, if they play their cards right, can get everything they want without spending a lot of money and energy on Valentine's Day, birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries.

If there is a woman who is planning to marry you this June, or any other time this year, you probably need to put the breaks on the relationship, especially if there are any red flags. If you're shacking up and/or if she has kids, plan your escape!

You don't need to be married. And there's a good chance that, deep down, you don't really want to be.

So, get out. And learn to be scarce so that you won't get trapped into wasting money, effort, and time on things like Valentine's Day or meeting a woman's family or friends for holidays.

Pay Attention, Free Men

All of you "single" men, you guys who aren't married, aren't engaged, aren't shacking up, and aren't in an "exclusive" relationship...

Are you paying attention this week (the one with Valentine's Day)? Are you hearing/seeing all of the ads telling men they need to buy the right things for Valentine's Day? Are you watching your buddies, male relatives, male coworkers who aren't free men stress out? Are they distracted?

They know that if they don't jump through all of the hoops the right way, there's going to be Hell to pay.

Some of them might be hoping (probably a futile hope) the woman to which they're attached will do things with and for them that those women used to do all of the time, without even being asked. Or, the guys are simply hoping not to be disparaged, not to be served with divorce papers in late February.

Do you want to put yourself through that? Of course you don't. Especially because it isn't worth it. It is NOT worth it. But these guys feel like they HAVE to do these things. Don't ever make yourself one them.

These poor beaten dogs are going to crawl, grovel, shell out way too much money for goods and services they can get for much less money mere days later.

Pay attention, you free men. And let it be a reminder of why you don't want to be in that position.

Enjoy February 14. Stay home, or hang out at a buddy's place. If you MUST have female interaction, there will be women out there, and they will be easy pickings. You can find them at night, when it is "too late" to take them to an expensive dinner.

February 14 Will Be Here Soon!

Guys, if you're not married, you shouldn't be with a woman right now you've been seeing for more than a couple of months.

You're supposed to be scarce to such a woman until at least February 15 (or, until her the day after her birthday, or a day she considers an anniversary with you, if one or both occur soon after).

If you have a girlfriend right now, how were the holidays? How much time, money, and effort did you spend? Did you have to endure her family? Or bring her around your family? What a mess.

If you've been a free man through the holidays, keep up the good work. But if you've got a woman who thinks of you as her boyfriend or fiancé, you need to hit the eject button or get very scarce to her before we get too close to Valentine's Day.

Why?

1) So she doesn't get the idea that this is heading for a marital or live-in or even an exclusive situation; and

2) To avoid spending money on gifts for her, an overpriced and crowded dinner, hotel rooms, or anything else she might expect.

Be scarce. Be busy, Be "working". Don't answer her calls, texts, etc. or only respond "late" to every third or fourth one, saying you're busy. (She shouldn't know where you really live, or what you're actual phone's number is - use Google Voice or something similar.)

If she won't see you again come February 15 (or whichever day it ends up being), so be it. There are many other women, if you still want to see any.

During that time, it's fine to see women who aren't of the "commitment" or "exclusive" thinking, at least when it comes to you. or new women, and you can see a new woman who is alone and desperate on February 14, as long as you're picking her up out and about, on the fly.

Or, use that time to hang out with friends, family, catch up on hobbies, do those chores you've been putting off, etc.

You DO NOT want to be with a woman who is thinking that because you've been seeing her for a while, and you're with her on February 14, that you're going to be exclusive with her, or living with her, or heading towards marriage. You DO NOT want to have to buy her gifts, or pay her way to some party or event or overpriced dinner or hotel room. Whatever you do, do NOT get married!!! (Some people have a simple ceremony on February 14, like at a county office.)

Read more:

We're Almost to February 14

Stop! Don't Propose! Don't Marry!

Now is the Time, Guys

How Have the Holidays Been So Far?

The end of the year is rapidly approaching. How have the holidays been for you so far?

If you're in a relationship (unmarried), how has that been going? Has it been stressful? How has it been, dealing with her, her family, her friends, etc.? How has she interacted with your family and friends? Remember, she's auditioning. This is the best it will ever be. If you marry her, she will likely think she doesn't have to try anymore. She doesn't have to pretend to like your family or friends. She doesn't have to hold back from whining, nagging, complaining, cajoling.

If you haven't hit the eject button yet, do it before the year closes out. You don't want to be with her at the stroke of midnight as 2019 becomes 2020.

Read this and follow the links.

I know.

I didn't see any of my original family or friends for Christmas. I spend the whole date with my wife's family.

Thinks were, comparatively, much better than some other Christmases I've spent with her family, but it was still mostly a day sitting around wishing I was with my parents and siblings or home, being tired and having to drive in bad conditions but having to wait for when she had had enough, meaning driving conditions were much worse than when I would have left. And again, this was comparatively good. There have been some awful Christmases with her family.

Stop! Don't Propose!

Guys, if you're thinking about proposing as a holiday surprise or just because you think it is a romantic time of year to propose, DON'T DO IT.

Odds are, proposing is a mistake. This is a statistical fact.

Consider:

1) 33-40% of first marriages end in divorce. It is well over 50% for second marriages (70% if stepchildren are involved).

2) Enough of the other marriages are problematic enough of the time that literally, between divorce and "bad" marriages (including marriages that effectively end but don't legally divorce, or in which one spouse dies or is killed by the other before divorce could take place) most marriages are a mistake.

3) On top of that, add in the engagements that don't make it to marriage that end with drama and/or bitterness.

So, statistically, proposing is a mistake, a very big mistake.

December Is Here and That Requires Evasive Maneuvers

Guys, December is here, and that means holidays, like Christmas, Hannukah, and the New Year. Those can be threats to free men. If you're an American who celebrates Thanksgiving in November, you should have already taken steps to ensure your freedom won't be jeopardized, but if you haven't, you really needs to act sooner rather than later.

Now is the time, guys. It is time to become extremely scarce to any woman who considers you her fiancé or expects your relationship to head that way. If you're seeing a woman regularly, it is time to disrupt that. Don't end up spending a lot of money! Don't give her (or her family!) the impression that you're eager to marry. That it what she/they will think if you join her at events with her friends and family. You shouldn't even know any of her friends or family. You should only be seeing her when the Sun isn't visible, preferrably at her place.

In taking evasive maneuvers, you're going to avoid seeing her until at least February 15. She might not agree to see you when that time comes. That's a small price to pay compared to having to spend the time and money that it would take if you were with her in-person through the holidays. 

Guys, It's Time to Go Ghost or Hit the Eject Button

Now is the time, guys, especially in the USA, where Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching. It is time to become extremely scarce to any woman who considers you her fiancé or expects your relationship to head that way. If you're seeing a woman regularly, it is time to disrupt that. Don't end up spending a lot of money!

[Bumped up! Procrastinators, ACT NOW!!!]

It's Not Too Early to Think About the Holidays

Guys in the USA (and some of this might apply to some of you men in other countries), Thanksgiving will be here before you know it. It's Thursday (of course), November 28. Unless you're so ignorant, delusional, or masochistic that you're thinking you want to be exclusive with a woman you've been seeing, perhaps you should set up a tickler on your phone for mid-November as a reminder that you're going to need to avoid any woman you've been seeing regularly. This is especially needed if you've made the mistake of letting her think of you as a potential husband, or a boyfriend, or committed - or you've met her family or friends.

You do NOT want to be with a woman you've been seeing regularly on Thanksgiving, on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, on New Year's Eve, on February 14, or on her birthday if it falls during that time or soon after. Same goes for any day during that time she considers an "anniversary" with you.

You need to avoid such a woman for that whole time: from at least November 28 through February 14.

Why?

1) So she doesn't get the idea that this is heading for a marital or live-in or even an exclusive situation; and

2) To avoid spending money on gifts for her, airfare, hotel rooms, parties, etc.

Be scarce. Be busy, Be "working". Don't answer her calls, texts, etc. or only respond "late" to every third or fourth one, saying you're busy. (She shouldn't know where you really live, or what you're actual phone's number is - use Google Voice or something similar.)

If she won't see you again come February 15, so be it. There are many other women, if you still want to see any.

During that time, as long as it isn't Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve/Day, or New Year's Eve, it's fine to see women who aren't of the "commitment" or "exclusive" thinking, at least when it comes to you. or new women, and you can see a new woman who is alone and desperate on February 14, as long as you're picking her up out and about, on the fly.

Or, use that time to hang out with friends, family, catch up on hobbies, do those chores you've been putting off, etc.

You DO NOT want to be with a woman who is thinking that because you've been seeing her for a while, and you're with her on those holidays and special days, that you're going to be exclusive with her, or living with her, or heading towards marriage. You DO NOT want to have to meet her friends and family. You DO NOT want to have to buy her gifts, or pay her way to some party or event or overpriced dinner or hotel room.

Read more:

We're Almost to February 14

Dealing With the Holidays

Stop! Don't Propose! Don't Marry!

Now is the Time, Guys

Who Am I? Why Am I Here?

Hey you. Yes, you. You might be wondering who I am and why this blog is here.

I'm a married middle-aged father living in the USA. I have steady career work and a four-year college degree. I'm the breadwinner for my family. I'm married to my first (and only) wife and I'm her first husband. Neither of us have children other than the ones we made together, after we married, and are raising. Neither of us shacked up with anyone before we married each other, nor did we live together before we married. We've been married well over the threshold of time that my state would order me to support her for life should we divorce.

I have opinions and experiences I want to share and questions I want to ask. These days, my main goal with this blog is to serve as a warning to other men that most of them should not sacrifice themselves for what our laws and culture now call marriage and fatherhood. For most men, it won't be worth it, even if your brain chemistry and your psychology try to cover up for making terrible decisions by trying to fool you into thinking that you really didn't do so badly by marrying and making children. Most men should be on a marriage strike.

Statistically, due the factors I mentioned in that second paragraph and other factors, my marriage is supposed to be a happy one. That's what "they" say anyway. And my wife probably would tell a pollster it IS a happy marriage, and if I was being polled in front of her, I'd have to agree. But the reality is, it isn't a happy marriage. Poke around the blog and you'll see why.

So, that's the brief overview.

I welcome comments on almost all the blog entries, whether you agree or disagree with me, but if yours looks like s-p-a-m or something from a b-o-t, it won't get published. Also, please watch your language as I try to avoid publishing profanity. You can also interact with me on Twitter.

Things Not to Say When On the Dr. Laura Show

I was already working on an very considered entry here about how to get through a call with Dr. Laura. She mentioned on the show Monday, October 28, 2019 that "someone" (might have had me in mind... no, seriously) should come up with a list of things not to say while a caller on her show.

So, here they are, in no particular order.

Things Not to Say When On the Dr. Laura Schlessinger Show