The Latest Shark Attack on Dr. Laura Schlessinger

I used to listen to Howard Stern. I've read his books. I've seen his movie. We even have at least one mutual friend. Listening to his show allowed me to listen to other shows, because of the 20-minute marathon commercial breaks. When he left terrestrial radio for satellite, I figured I would keep up on his show by reading recaps on the fan sites, as I wasn't motivated to pay for radio. Turns out the overwhelming majority of his listeners weren't motivated to pay for radio, either. Turns out I wasn't motivated enough to even read the recaps. In my life, just as in the larger pop culture, Stern's relevance has become a faint shadow of what it had been.

In my case, it can probably chalked up to maturing. Nationally, it is not just his move to pay radio, but also TV shows like Jersey Shore and other "reality" shows essentially doing his show on television. Stern's stuff is very funny to adolescent boys, at least the first few times they hear it. When he was a struggling father and long-married husband who made fun of others for getting drunk, and fought with his boss, people could identify with him. But that all changed. I most enjoyed Robin Quivers' news, and I'm a sucker for parody,so I enjoyed those aspects of the show even as I vehemently disagreed with some of the things Stern said or some of his tone.

There is radio for which I'm willing to pay. I started paying so I could get Dr. Laura’s podcasts, just before she announced she was changing the nature of and base for her show by moving to pay radio.

If you haven't heard yet, Howard Stern's prankster fans did a shark attack on Dr. Laura's show yesterday, apparently trashing the second and third hour so horribly that they weren't podcasted (at least not when I downloaded the first hour). They called with bogus calls, made cryptic and not-so cryptic references to Stern's show, and called Dr. Laura Anglo-Saxon words you can't hear on terrestrial radio because the FCC will fine the broadcaster into oblivion.

Stern has loyal, hardcore fans who, living with their parents and collecting checks from the government, have nothing better to do with their time than play toadie for the bully. If they can get their rude verbal assaults rebroadcast on Stern's show as Stern points out what his toadies did to another show, it is the highlight of their year. If Stern doesn't explicity organize and direct these assaults, he certainly encourages them.

There's no winning this sort of thing. Dr. Laura is on the air fewer hours of the day than Stern. Her show is about helping people, not tearing down others. Her listeners are busy working, loving their spouses, and raising their kids. Stern's toadies (a small subset of his listeners) have a lot of free time, stunted emotional development, and a fixation on insults and offensive disruption.

I'm not sure if there is a way to get Stern to stop attacking Dr. Laura on the air, and thus getting the toadies to stop. Has he made a specific demand? I haven't been playing close attention to Stern for many years now, but based on what he used to say and what scant scraps I've read more recently, my guess is that he attacks Dr. Laura because she teaches things like "It's wrong to kill an innocent human being for any reason other than self-defense", her propogating the ideal of saving sex for marriage, and for her past problems with the content of Stern's show and movie, especially now that she has done what he did – moved to satellite to avoid attacks on advertisers. Stern probably feels like she either should have stuck up for him during his battles in the past or shut up about her battles now.

But there is a difference. Stern's show, and related problems, had to do with pushing racy content for titillation. Dr. Laura's show, and related problems, had to do with instilling morals and ethics. If Stern truly can't see the difference, then he has a serious problem.

I'm interested in seeing how Dr. Laura handles this major shark attack. Is there a way to resolve it without a face-to-face broadcasted meeting between Dr. Laura and Howard Stern? Would Dr. Laura agree to such a thing? I wonder what their "bosses" at Sirius XM think about all of this?

Don't Assume Monogamy

ScienceDaily.com reports on a study out of Oregon State University that, in a significant number of couples, there is either a false belief by one partner that there was a monogamy agreement, or amnesia on the part of the other parther regarding that agreement.

A new study of 434 young heterosexual couples ages 18-25 found that, in 40 percent of couples, only one partner says the couple agreed to be sexually exclusive. The other partner said there was no agreement.

And in those 40 percent, was the partner who believed there was a monogamy agreement always the female? We're not told.

Okay, first of all, 434 couples is a small sample.

Second, consider the ages.

I've said many times before that I believe sex is for the marriage, so strictly speaking, the unmarried couples should be "non-ogamous" in terms of having sex. But I also deal in reality. And the reality is, nobody should ever assume they are in a monogamous relationship unless it has been clearly discussed and there is a mutual agreement that it will be monogamous. Even then, people lie. But don't assume monogamy just because you're having sex, or going steady, or using the "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" label, or you're expecting, or shacking up.

Sexually active or not, most people should not be in exclusive relationships at that age. They should be focusing on education and career and they should be dating many people to learn more about themselves and others.

The results are in a forthcoming article published online in the Journal of Sex Research.

That's gotta be good reading.

Even among those who agreed they had an explicit agreement to be monogamous, almost 30 percent had broken the agreement, with at least one partner having had sex outside the relationship.

And here's something to keep in mind- you're not really monogamous if you do threesomes, swinging, or swapping. Or if you have sex with someone else who is a stripper. Or someone else while on vacation, or drunk.

The couples surveyed included both married and non-married couples. Interestingly, couples with children were less likely to have a monogamy agreement in place.

That's because one person is more likely to just assume it goes without saying.

Married couples were no more likely to have an explicit monogamy agreement in place than other couples.

Uhm, what about "forsaking all others"? Married people should demand monogamy. They should also provide monogamy- not "non-ogamy".

Men and women literally hear and think differently, so it is not surprising that one partner in a relationship might have assumptions that the other does not. Some women also have this script for their lives, and as long as the person one of these women has cast as her man doesn't say or do something in front of her that explicitly contradicts that script, she just assumes everything is like she hoped it would be. Monogamy may be part of that script. But guys should not be fooled into believing that just about all women demand monogamy in order to keep providing sex. For many women, the opposite is true. If she suspects a guy is having sex with other women, she tries to win him over by being "better" – being more sexually available and adventurous. She wants a man that she believes other women want. Some of these women are the ones who lose interest once a guy really does commit to them. This is one reason why unmarried guys who are sexually active, when asked by a woman "What are you doing this weekend?", should answer "having sex". This will drive away a woman who is looking for marriage and family, and it will prompt other women to be the person with whom he is having the sex.

The New Book is Out

The Playful Walrus asks, "Where's the Civility For Dr. Laura?"

So much for toning down the rhetoric and refraining from spewing vitriol. Dr. Laura Schlessinger has a new book out, which means she's promoting that book. And that means shrill, shrieking, and demonstrably false attacks on Dr. Laura by the logically-impaired couch potatoes, neglectful "mothers", and feminized guys out there who are upset that she's appearing on their usually Lefty-feminist televisions.

Go read the the whole thing. It is a quite a defense of Dr. Laura. Anyone else catch her on TV? Anyone else catching her new show? I've heard every minute so far. Anyone have the new book?

Still have a lot to say, just not as much time to say it. Stay tuned for more blog posts in the coming days.

Finishing a Sentence

Sometimes, a couple will be together for years, and when they break up, it is supposedly because the guy didn't want to get married. But then not too long after that breakup, the guy will be engaged to someone else.

Why? Well, it could be that when the guy said, "I don't want to get married", he was not finishing the sentence. If he had, it would have been "I don't want to get married... to you." Or, it could be that he doesn't want to get married, but he's willing to "go along" with the idea and even actually get married rather than having that woman move on to someone else. Either way, it isn't exactly an ego booster to the first woman.

I thought about that when I saw this Associated Press story with the headline "Hugh Hefner's Ex Not Happy About His Engagement".

She plays it off as concern for him, though.

Hugh Hefner's ex-girlfriend Holly Madison tells Life & Style magazine she's not OK with his engagement plans.

She says the 84-year-old Playboy magazine founder is "making a hasty decision" by getting engaged to 24-year-old Playmate Crystal Harris.

Madison tells Life & Style she arranged a meeting with the couple after reading on Twitter that Hefner had proposed.

Here comesthe real point to all of this:

The meeting was filmed for her "Holly's World" reality show on the E! cable television channel.

All of this "news" about what Holly thinks is really about getting publicity for the television show. Hey, Madison turned her stint in the harem into an ongoing TV career. She's no dummy, and knows how to get attention. Good for her for making a living.

Madison says she wished the couple the best but told them Harris had better not do Hefner wrong or she'll "kick her butt."

Oh, please. As my mother's uncle used to say when my mother told him that the young women he was dating only wanted him for one thing - he wanted them for one thing, too, so it was a fair trade. He knows what he is doing, and she knows what she is doing. We can scoff and talk about how wrong it is all we want, but in a strange way, I think it could actually be better if they did marry rather than continue together unmarried, especially if they don't make a show of not being monogamous to each other.

The 31-year-old Madison and Hefner dated for six years until their breakup in 2008 because she wanted to get married and he didn't.

Yup. He probably still doesn't want to get married, but he knows what a pre-nup is, he knows what a lawyer is, and he offers her jewelry and a special party to keep her around longer.

This would be the third marriage for Hefner. He divorced another Playmate last year.

That doesn’t really tell the whole story. He was legally married to Kimberly Conrad, but the marriage had really ended many years ago. She and their son (I don't remember if they had other children together) lived on adjacent property. I actually saw the three of them together when the kid was a little kid. They were doing the family thing at a family venue.

Hefner is enjoying what money, fame, and his business has allowed him to enjoy. Call it wrong, call it disgusting, but these women freely choose to do these things, for any number of reasons. Hef, please, please, please do not get her pregnant.

Some Things Are Better Not Said

I'm glad I subscribed to the paid side of Dr. Laura's website. I did so right before she announced she was going to leave terrestrial radio. Thankfully, this subscription has allowed me to hear every hour of her show by downloading the podcasts, which is especially helpful since I don't have satellite radio.

The show has changed a bit since debuting as satellite-based on January 3. I like the new, less restrained tone even more and there's more content – something like 12 more minutes per hour. The format is a little more wide, as in addition to people calling with their moral dilemmas, Dr. Laura will raise a topic on the broadcast or earlier via Facebook or e-mail, and take calls on that topic as well.

As usual, I agree with her on most things, and just about anything that's really important. But again, I'm going to talk about something on which we might have some level of disagreement.

Dr. Laura has repeatedly supported women who have called in who have wanted to have breast augmentation/enhancement surgery after they've had an accident, disease, or season of breastfeeding that has impacted their breasts to the point that... the woman wants a surgical enhacement. The key thing here is that the woman has wanted it.

Contrast that with a call from the first hour this past Friday, the first call of the day. A woman's breasts were signficantly changed through breastfeeding and the change has been a turn-off for her husband. Dr. Laura ripped into the husband (who wasn't on the phone as the wife made the call), and a lot of people might agree. Isn't it terrible that he's turned off by something that resulted from the nourishment of his children and bonding his children to their mother?

Well... it is terrible that he told his wife that he was turned off because of this. That was stupid on his part.

Yeah, in a perfect world, he would not be turned off. But aside from some sort of therapy or ongoing conditioning, men generally can't control what turns them on and turns them off. Perhaps what the husband should have done is kept his mouth shut, made excuses for any dysfunction she noticed, and sought a therapist who could help him. Maybe she'd be upset by a sense that he was not being open and honest with her, but it is better than telling her he's turned off by something about her that she can't change without surgery.

Let's be precise about what we're talking about. He didn't say he didn't want to be with her, or that he no longer loved her, or anything like that. He was foolishly forthcoming about something that changed.

Of course I was attracted to my wife, in part, because of her physical beauty, including her body, including her breasts. I would not have married her without being physically attracted to her. But I did not marry her on that basis alone. I married her knowing that I could and would still love her even if, God forbid, something happened that disfigured her. Breastfeeding changed and reduced her breasts, to be sure. I wish it wasn't so. And while I recognize that breastfeeding was a great thing, that thought does not sexually arouse me. Thankfully, I am not turned off, either, by the change.

Some men report being turned off, or fear they will be turned off, by pregnancy or by watching their child emerge from their wife's vagina. I did not find either a turn off. I thought pregnancy made my wife even more beautiful (and her breasts even better, too). Watching my children emerge from her vagina, I was in awe, and felt this intense bonding to my wife. But that's me. It may be something some men don't want to see. And my wife didn't get fat when pregnant. She got... pregnant.

Husbands and wives, over the course of a decades-long marriage, are likely going to be turned off by certain things that happen to their spouses that the spouse may not be able to do anything about, at least without taking extraordinary measures. The important thing is working through that and being there, in every right way, for each other. (Sometimes, that involves not saying something.) The only way to avoid getting older is to die. I;d rather have my wife with me. I'd rather have my kids than to have my wife's body the way it was before carrying, birthing, and feeding them. I'd rather have money for other purposes than spending it on breast surgery. And I'd rather encourage her to give me access to her breasts than say anything that would make her less likely to do so!

Ladies, gentlemen.... your experiences and thoughts?

A Very Desperate OC Housewife

I've been keeping too busy to blog a lot lately. But there has been so much to write about. Sean Emery has the Orange County Register story:

A 36-year-old Lake Forest woman was arrested Friday on suspicion of having sex with a 13-year-old boy who authorities say she met in Maryland after the two cultivated an online relationship.

There are plenty of 13-year-olds in Orange County. I wonder if she has any local victims?

Rachel Ann Hicks first befriended the boy while playing X-Box Live online in September, and the two began trading phone calls, texts and e-mails, including sexually explicit images and movies, Orange County Sheriff's spokesman Jim Amormino said.

Now, to be sure, there are some 13-year-old boys who would think this was the greatest thing that could ever happen to them. That still doesn't make it right. There's no way he could have legitimately consented to this, and even if he thoroughly enjoyed the experience, it has no doubt messed with his mind, at the least. It could have downright traumatized him. Plus, she could have given him an infection.

But the story gets "better"...

While visiting family members in Florida over the Thanksgiving holiday, Hicks, a married mother of three, drove to the boy's home in Maryland and "engaged in sexual activity" with him, Amormino said.

I wonder how she explained to her family where she was going? She's a married mother of three. Where did she find the time to do all of this game-playing and grooming of victims? And where were this boy's parents? Did he use a cover story about being with a friend?

She was taken into custody at her Lake Forest home Friday afternoon, and is being held without bail on suspicion of rape, child molestation and sexual solicitation of a minor, Amormino said.

Hicks admitted to having a relationship with at least one other underage boy in California, Amormino said, and authorities are searching for additional victims.

"She flew to Florida and drove to Maryland, so apparently there are no boundaries," Amormino said.

Yeah, {if guilty) she's pretty desperate.

I know there is at least one judge out there who would assign a requirement to pay child support to the rape victim, if a baby was produced from this. I also wonder if the great state of California will give her half of the marital assets, and alimony, should her marriage end? I'm assuming child custody will go to her husband (who could also be required to pay child support if she births a child from this). Will she have to pay child support to her hubby? Will she get the same amount of prison time a man would if the sexes were reversed?

Are You Right For Each Other?

You know the story. Two people are searching for love, and one day... BAM... it hits them like a lightning bolt. They find each other; she finds... the one. He finds the woman of his dreams. They have a beautiful, perfect wedding and they live happily ever after in wedded bliss. Bringing up certain topics during dating or the engagement will ruin this scenario. Financial planning, pre-nups, and frank talks about reality are so unromantic, right? Who needs them when you're in looooooooove?

Well, a generally happy lifelong marriage is possible, if two people are prepared to be spouses and they are right for each other. But how do they know they are? Feelings are great, but feelings aren’t always based on reality. God (or, as some of my readers believe, atoms interacting in strictly natural, normal processes over billions of years) has given us minds and the ability to discern. We should use our discernment to make wise choices.

There’s a British family law firm that is promoting a compatibility quiz for couples planning a life together. It’s a good idea. Check out this Reuters story by Paul Casciato.

Partner Ruth Bross compared taking the quiz to the kind of considerations and research an employer might make before hiring someone.

People put far more research and rational evaluation into their job seeking or even car buying. But I consider choosing a spouse to be the third most important decision a person can make. (The second is whether or not to raise children, and I think if one decides to do that, it necessitates finding the right, willing spouse. The most important decision a person can make is to either become a follower of Christ or reject Christ, but that is my religious bent.)

"No one who is truly committed to a relationship will ever mind making the full and frank disclosure that is asked of them; if they do, you might like to ask yourself why," she said in an emailed statement containing the quiz.

Definitely. Don't fall for the "Don’t you trust me?" line, or "Why do you care so much about money?" The fact is, if the other person trusts you, isn't using you for your money, and is a secure person, they should have no problem with a process like this.

Check out all of the particulars after the jump.

Another Six Months?

These women who are having sex without commitment who then want commitment from the guy who is used to having casual sex with them keep writing in to the advice columns, oblivious to reality.

"Antsy Regarding my Future" wrote in to Dear Margo:

I am 25 years old, and my boyfriend is 37.

Good for him.

We’ve been dating for a year and a half.

That's good.

I want to move in with him so we can take the relationship to the next level, but I think he is afraid of commitment.

Shacking up is a bad idea all around. But I love the "afraid of commitment" allegation. The question is, to what would he be committing? Shacking up is not a commitment. But when the "afraid of commitment" charge is applied to marriage, then legally (and as such, the only commitment that can be enforced by the authorities), the commitment in question is this:

1. He, being the person who earns more, will be obligated to pay you money should he leave or you leave, regardless of the reason. In some places, he will be required to pay you money for life if you leave him after just ten years.

2. Half of everything acquired during the marriage will be yours, even if you never have kids but quit your job, hinder his career, and don't lift a finger around the house.

3. He will assume financial responsibility for any child born to you during the marriage, even if you made that child with the person for whom you leave him.

Call that "afraid of commitment" if you want, but it seems strange to present someone with a legal agreement that puts them at considerable risk with no guaranteed upside, especially when that person is getting just about everything they want already, and then if they are hestitant to sign that agreement, call them "afraid of commitment".

He says he wants marriage and kids one day, but he's already 37 and doesn't seem to be making any moves in those directions.

This wouldn’t be a problem if you were dating other people, too, which you should be doing.

He wants me to wait six more months and then revisit the topic.

I bet he doesn't want you to wait six more months before having sex again, and I bet you won't.

I love him and want to be with him, but six months is a long time to wait when there isn’t even a guarantee that he would be willing to let me move in then.

Your choice is this: 1) Keep enjoying his company as he's been offering it; or 2) Stop seeing him. Take your pick.

Also, I am not from this state and would not stay here if it weren’t for him.

So you've agreed to live somewhere you don't want to live just for someone you are dating? You know, part of the condition of picking my wife was whether or not she would agree to live in the basic geographic area I wanted to live. There could have been great women in other states and staying in other states, but they couldn't be my wife if we lived in different states. If you really don't want to be there, go where you want to be and find someone who is there or willing to move there.

What should I do?

Keep wishing until your eggs are all gone. That's a good idea, right?

Dear Margo responded:

What is the hurry, my dear?

Hurry? She's old enough and they've been dating long enough for a proposal. And if they're going to have kids, they'd better get started soon. He's getting kind of old to start.

The ideal situation (for you) would be for him to be the one wishing to hurry things up.

Yeah, but that's not the reality of the situation. It would be ideal if he had a six-pack and billion of dollars, too.

His reluctance may be uncertainty, a desire to live alone or some foreknowledge that you are not "the one."

It could also be that whether he just wants sex, or whether he really does want marriage and kids, shacking up is detrimental to both goals.

He Has Her Right Where He Wants Her

Ain't liberation great? LOVES MY NEIGHBOR wrote in to Dear Abby:

My neighbor "Marlon" and I have been "friends with benefits" for almost two years. We hang out every day and our kids are friends. We talk about everything. Really, we are best friends. We have attempted to hide our affair from our children (8 years old and under) and from our exes. Many of our friends know, but it is never discussed.

Chances are, your kids have heard or have figured it out.

My problem is, Marlon recently mentioned that he wants to find a "good woman." It upset me because I'm in love with him.

Whose fault is that? Why would he marry you, since he already gets what he wants from you?

At the same time, he makes no effort to meet anyone.

That you know about. That’s his business. But you’re taking it as a sign of hope. He may even be telling you that because it keeps you where he wants you.

He is always with me -- when you'd think he'd be out trying to meet women.

Guys can meet women 24/7 these days. Does he have a job? He could be having sex there.

Although we agreed to be "FWBs," I don't want to be Marlon's security blanket.

Your choices are to 1) Keep things as they are (although he may change things; 2) Drop him from your life; 3) Drop the benefits and see if he still wants to be "friends". Most likely, he won’t.

How do I let him know I want more?

You're not going to get it. But you can come right out and tell him that you want more. He will either 1) Tell you whatever he needs to in order to keep the "benefits" going, or 2) Drop you, fearing you'll try to get pregnant or are becoming TMW (too much work). He's not going to say, "Okay, since that is what you want, I will agree to it." He no doubt enjoys sex with you, but you do not have the one and only magic vagina.

It comes down to this, since morality doesn't seem to be a concern to you. Do you prefer things as they are now, or would you rather not have the "benefits" and quite possibly the "friendship"? Those are the real choices under your control, as long as he is willing to keep the current arrangement. If he isn't, then you won't have a choice.

I know this from personal experience. In my wayward days, women with whom I had friendships would make themselves available to me for sex and I would fornicate with them with no intention of it going beyond what was essentially a FWB situation. I never lied to them or made false promises. I didn't need to. Many women aren't down with that, but enough are. And I was not going to ever let the relationship become more serious than that, because I knew I couldn't marry those women and have a good, lasting marriage - some of that time I thought I might want to remain unmarried anyway - and so there was no point to increasing the social commitment. It wasn't a  matter of "I can't marry them because they're willing to have casual sex" - it was the age differences or other realities that precluded marriage. But they were willing to have sex, and so was I.

Relationships can certainly go from more commitment to less, such as when people break up but still hook up from time to time, but other than the initial "uphill" arc (dates, steady, couple, engagement, marriage) it can almost never go from something like a booty call or FWB to a sustained girlfriend/boyfriend or marital situation. Permit me a crude, crass analogy. If you're getting access to a recreational facility for $40 to $0 a session for months or years, and then suddenly the cost skyrockets to half of your earnings, are you going to pay that higher charge, or are you going to go to another recreational facility that is charging $40 or less? But if you were paying half of your salary for daily access, and that ends... but every once in a while you are invited back for a night at $40 or less, you might take that offer.

Dear Abby responded:

Revisit the subject with Marlon and ask him how many "good women" he thinks he can handle, because he already has one.

Doesn't that depend entirely on someone's definition of good? My guess is Marlon's definition is quite different than Dear Abby's. I would also say Marlon isn't beinga good man, just like I wasn't being a good man.

It couldn't hurt to mention that you are in love with him and have taken your relationship seriously.

Yes, it could, if she likes his company. If he wanted it to be more, he would tell her.

If one woman isn't enough for him, you will have to start looking for a good man -- one who won't monopolize your time and take you for granted.

BINGO!

Please understand that if Marlon is serious about looking elsewhere for someone to settle down with, you cannot invest any more time or emotion in him.

Maybe she shouldn’t anyway.

I would tell Marlon if all he wants is sex, he shouldn't be having sex with a mother of minor children. Also, I would tell him not to take away time he should be spending with his kids, who have a broken home already, and risk making half-siblings they'll have to deal with. I would say the same thing to the letter-writer about her seeing men.

It's Looking Like a Better Year

For most of the weekend, it looked like the new year was going to start off on a dismal note. For quite a while, the sexual frequency was down to once a week. Several weeks back, I started getting what I would call "mercy oral" – very mechanical, very "going through the motions" – once during the week as well. Hey, that's better than nothing, but I really enjoy my wife's body and seeing, touching, and tasting her, and especially pleasing her, and I wasn't getting to do that during the week.

Christmas weekend, because of everything my wife wanted to get done, I didn't even get our usual weekend session. If it was anything, it was the mercy oral, like during the week.

This definitely had an impact on my mood. I get irritable.

I told my wife this weekend that it had been too long since I'd seen her naked, too long since I'd tasted her. Unfortunately, she was menstruating. I'm still willing to do what I can for her, but she is generally against doing anything down there while menstruating. So, we had skipped the week before and then there was this.

New Year's Eve was a non-event. We went over to the in-laws' to exchange Christmas gifts (because we hadn't seen them since before Christmas) and have a meal. The brother and sister who had fought with them weren't there, and no mention was made of Christmas Eve. But we left to return home long before midnight, as the get-together was never meant as a NYE get-together.

NYE used to be a big deal in my life. I can remember it being a huge deal going as far back as I can remember. There were a couple of years I was asleep at midnight because I had to show up at a job at 4, 5, or 6am, but otherwise it was a big deal. I know we celebrated big time when my wife was pregnant with our first child, because we knew our life was going to be different after the birth. It seems like the last few years, though, it hasn't been an event for us. I would have planned something had I realized we were not going to be at the in-laws'.

So, having written all of that, why is it looking like a better year?

Last night, as I was turning in for the night, my wife joined me. I knew something was up, because she had already given me the mercy oral the night before. Turns out that one of her New Year's resolutions was to send me off to sleep with, as she put it, a smile on my face every night. Yes, it was another night of mercy oral, but that is certainly better than nothing. I can't remember the last time we had sexual contact two nights in a row. It was probably the last time we were trying to make a baby. I expect that sometime within the next couple of days, I will regain access to her body.

This is one resolution I hope she keeps! I will do my best to help her by initiating as often as possible. If this resolution is kept, it can have a huge impact on our marriage. Who knows, maybe she will let me take her to climax more than once every week or two?

Dear Abby Defends Attention Whores

DOIN' WHAT COMES NATURALLY wrote in to Dear Abby:

When a man meets a woman wearing a low-cut dress or blouse, is it rude to momentarily glance down (not stare) at her cleavage?

It isn't rude to her. That is exactly why she wore it - to get attention. Now, there may have been one or two people in particular whose attention she was trying to get, and as such, she may be uncomfortable with you taking a look. But tough toenails for her. She doesn't get to pick and choose if she goes out in public like that.

It may be rude to your wife, depending on how obvious you are about it.

Most men find this a natural, unavoidable impulse.

True. This is the way our biology is wired.

Dear Abby gets gender partisan:

It may be a "natural, unavoidable impulse," but gentlemen have learned to control their impulses.

And ladies know exactly how they are dressing.

I'm surprised you haven't heard the phrase, "My eyes are up here."

I would suggest completely ignoring any woman who behaves this way. She is an attention whore, and wants attention so that she can then insult or hurt others. Ignoring women like this drives them even crazier than they already are, but you should do it for your own protection.

What other possible reason, other than to draw attention to her breasts, would a woman display her cleavage to strangers in public? Women, if you're going to dress this way, the appropriate response when you notice a man noticing that you've dressed this way is to smile.

I had a girlfriend who was sporting DDs (beautiful... just glorious marvels of nature), and she wasn't overweight in the slightest... she had the perfect body as far as I was concerned, but like most very attractive women, she didn't see herself that way. She was a teacher, teaching middle schoolers at first. She dressed very conservatively, and yet heard from some of the girls that they thought she was purposely showing off. Nothing could have been further from the truth. That is not what is going on this letter to Dear Abby. Anyway, my girlfriend asked me about calling up boys to the front of the room to do work on the board, and it there was a problem with that. I told her at that age, boys are "at full attention" quite often, even if there is no present visual stimulation. But with her there, it must have been going on constantly. She took my advice... best not to have the students get out of their seats.

Family Drama For Christmas

How was your Christmas? What are your plans for New Years or, if you're reading this later, what did you do?

Our Christmas was generally good, spent with most of our immediate family on both sides.

The current plan for New Year's Eve is to go over to the home of my in-laws, which is in the same city. We got that call inviting us over yesterday. This is significant because we still haven’t exchanged Christmas presents. The reason we haven't is the same reason we can't ever count on my in-laws to watch our kids.

Christmas morning, my wife woke up before the kids and before me, despite having been up late getting things ready and not getting enough sleep. The plan was to go over to the in-laws' house after the kids opened their presents to have brunch and exchange gifts with my wife's parents and siblings. However, one of her sisters called to let her know that the Christmas Eve dinner over there (which everyone knew we were going to miss because we were with my family of origin) didn't go well. So we invited everyone over to our place, at least those who were sober and not getting belligerent on the phone.

As the story goes, everyone except us was over at the in-law house for Christmas Eve dinner and family time. My married sister-in-law and her husband had called it a night and took their kid with them, as they could see the drinking was getting out of hand again. That left behind my wife's parents, the brother who lives there, and the brother and sister who are joined at the hip and live together about an hour or more away. These last two were planning on spending the night there.

MIL wanted to play table games. The visiting brother and sister agreed to play games (instead of calling it a night) on the condition that there be no further drinking that evening. FIL, MIL, and the resident BIL objected. The drunken BIL got nasty with his language towards his sister, nearly resulting in a fight between him and his brother. The visiting brother and sister left instead of spending the night and crashed at the home of the sister who had already left. My melodramatic, drunk in-laws reset the locks on the house to make sure those who had left could not get back in.

The next morning (Christmas), they were still drinking.

So we didn’t go over there.

I'm still coming to grips with this alcoholism dynamic. My dad would drink wine after work every night... no problem. My older sister had her wild phase, but clearly wasn't an addict. And unlike how it often gets portrayed in media, there can be long stretches where drinking isn't a problem during our visits. But clearly it IS a problem. Sometimes it ruins a normal night. Sometimes it ruins holidays and special events.

I made sure to thank my dad the other day for being a responsible drinker rather than a drunk. My mother rarely drinks.

Another Letter Published

Another letter of mine was published today on DrLaura.com. The text of the letter is no surprise to anyone who has been reading this blog for a while.

Daughters Need Their Fathers

GIRL IN NEED IN BALTIMORE wrote in to Dear Abby:

I have a big problem. My father refuses to spend time with me. He is a firefighter and says he has a busy schedule. I understand that. But when he has extra time, he will find anything else to do. I tried talking to him -- it was like talking to a brick wall.

She's right. This is a problem. A girl's relationship with her father is very important. We aren't told her age. She doesn't indicate the relationship was ever different. But if it was, and if she's entered puberty, it could be her father not knowing how to handle that. I was reading recently that some fathers will stop hugging their daughters or start to avoid them when puberty hits, because the fathers are uncomfortable with the fact that their daughter is starting to look and feel like a the very kind of thing that turns a man on – a grown woman. Throw in that there are some corners of society where every grown man, and especially a father, is considered a possible predator of girls, and you have a recipe for distance.

On the other hand, the guy could be an all-around self-centered jerk.

My mom has comforted me a lot, but I feel there is something missing in my life.

Your mom needs to step up. First of all, if she did marry a self-centered jerk, she needs to admit it and apologize to you, and find you some strong, positive male role models, like a coach. If this is a matter of discomfort with his girl growing up, she needs to ask herself if she has contributed to that. Has the husband/father been made aware of some father-daughter problem in mom's family, and he is overcompensating for that by trying to avoid contact? If this is a matter of dad being uncomfortable, mom needs to tell him how badly his daughter needs his attention, and how it is okay to hug his daughter and spend time with her and how to actively listen in a way his daughter will know he's listening.

What you could also have here is a guy who didn't want a daughter. Or maybe he didn't want kids at all. It is possible the mother knew that before she ever got pregnant.

I wanted kids, including a daughter. Still, I wonder sometimes if I shouldn't have remained childless and perhaps even unmarried, because so much of what I like to do is solitary. I like reading, I like writing, I like watching movies and television that might not be good for minors to watch. But I know my kids need me. So some things I like to do have to be put on hold or missed entirely beause I need to be there for them. And even though I do recognize this, I still feel like I'm falling short.

Just the other day, I got back in touch with a friend of mine I wrote about in this previous entry. He's still with his girlfriend. He told me that his daughter "understands" that he sent more cash for Christmas presents rather than visiting her in person. I'm sure he daughter would rather see him. She probably also "understands" that the girlfriend was a recipient of his Christmas generosity, So really, he could have visited his daughter if he wasn't spending money he barely haves on a woman young enough to be his daughter.

I haven't seen him since he returned to town. It isn't going to be very comfortable if my wife and I bump into him, especially if his girlfriend is with him.

Another Wife Who Wants it More

What is going on with all of these neglected wives? SUSPICIOUS IN FLORIDA wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm pretty sure my husband is addicted to adult porn movies.

I agree with Dr. Laura that people misuse the word "addicted" in cases like this – most of the time. Anyone can get "addicted" to anything that feels good. I could claim an addiction to peppers.

We have several pornographic DVDs in the house and I can tell when they have been moved.

I have many DVDs, none of them pornographic, and they get moved around all of the time without being watched.

He denies he's watching them, so confronting him again will only make him more angry and possibly push him "underground."

Uh, so having them in the house isn’t the problem, but watching them is a problem? It's already an "underground" situation, isn't it? Sounds like there is a lack of communication going on here.

Our sex life, which used to be grand, has become almost non-existent.

Correlation does not prove causation, or even a connection. Now, perhaps what you're thinking is true – that he watches the DVDs, masturbates, and as a result of that, has no interest in making love with you. It could also be that because he is unhappy with your sex life (see this quiz), he watches these DVDs. Or, the two could have nothing to do with each other, though that possibility is slim.

Have you tried initiating? I know most women like their husbands to initiate and some women want him to initiate all of the time, but think about it from his perspective – nobody likes to be rejected, and if you have rebuffed him from time to time, that may have gotten to him. Perhaps he got the impression (mistaken, from what you say) that you weren't enjoying yourself much and he felt like you were only accommodating him out of a sense of obligation. That becomes a turn-off to some men. If a man risks rejection from his own wife, and then when he isn't rejected he gets the feeling that she is doing it as a "mercy session", and she offers little assistance to his desire to bring pleasure to her (so that he feels like failure), he may feel like what is going on is pretty much glorified masturbation, so why not save his wife the trouble and not bother her at all? I'm not saying that's what IS going on in this case – it is just one possibility. We don't know his side of the story.

Do you have any suggestions?

Yes. Complain to all of your family, friends, in-laws, and fellow church congregants about this. No, wait, that's not right. I take it you want suggestions about how to have your sex life restored? You said it used to be "grand". Think really hard about when that changed and if you can think of why, based on the timing. If the only change you can think of is the DVDs coming into the home, then it might be those. But be brutally honest with yourself. You were obviously enjoying your lovemaking, but was he? Were there things he tried to do, or requests that he made that you shot down? Did he approach you at certain times of the day, only to be rebuffed? Have you gained a significant amount of fat? Did you cut your hair?

If you can honestly rule out anything you have done (or not done, even though he wanted it), then the problem is entirely his responsibility. If you chose your husband wisely, then you should be able to get him to go to counseling by appealing to his love for you and sense of obligation as a husband.

Dear Abby responded:

Rather than accuse your husband of being a porn addict, start a discussion about what has happened to your sex life.

Hey, there's an idea.

He may need to be examined by his doctor to determine if his problem could be physical.

That's another good idea.

If that isn't the case, then marriage counseling with a licensed therapist might help.

She's batting 1000 so far.

However, it doesn't seem likely to me that a man who views only "several" adult DVDs is a porn addict. Porn addicts are usually glued to their computers at every available spare moment.

Perfect batting average. Good for Dear Abby.

Now, I know in conservative church circles these days, we're all supposed to foam at the mouth and warn her that her husband is about to beat, rape, and murder her and just about every other person on the planet because he's watching those DVDs, and that he needs to go to a treatment facility, possibly undergo an exorcism, and then beg you to take him back under the condition that he give up all electronics for the rest of his life and be followed around by an accountability partner. But I really don't see why what he's doing is any worse than a wife reading romance novels or watching soaps or romantic comedies that give an incomplete or false portrayal of certain aspects of life or cause her to covet. It is just that what he's doing has gotten more attention because it is easier to beat up on what is seen as a male problem.

As for me, I'd be happy to find some evidence (like DVDs) that my wife actually does have a libido right now. There are times these days that I have to plead with her to let me bring her to orgasm once a week. She doesn't want any more than that right now. She'd taped some stuff off of cable that she'd use from time to time before we married. She told me this after we married, and told me she'd erased the tape. We do not own any "adult" DVDs, but we have watched some soft-core stuff before on cable together - twice, I think, and have read/seen some stuff online apart from each other. I'm not justifying any of this, just being real. The bottom line is that I know from experience that husbands like me will not put time and effort into watching such stuff behind out wife's back if we're making love with our wife every time we want. This is not to say that a sexy picture won't catch our eye, because it likely will anyway. But the motivation to masturbate isn't there.

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas, everyone. Thanks for reading this blog and for all of your feedback. I pray that you are having a great and meaningful Christmas. Don't spend too much time online, especially if you could be spending that time with framily and friends during this special time of year.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow II

The Best of Dr. Laura is airing, since Dr. Laura, like a lot of other radio hosts, is on vacation for the holidays. On Monday, in the third hour, about 20 minutes into the podcast, a woman called in to say her husband had stopped initiating sex with her a few weeks back and when asked why, he told her that he was turned off because she had her hair redone.

Dr. Laura blamed the man and called him unloving, citing another husband who was caring for his wife as she was losing her hair due to chemotherapy.

But this is likely apples and oranges. Now, I think Dr. Laura gets it right so often, and all you have to do is check out other things I’ve written here about her to know I’m no Dr. Laura hater. But sometimes, I disagree.

Losing your hair because you are being medically treated to save your life is not the same thing as deciding to go against your husband's desires and intentionally, unnecessarily change one of the things that attracted him to you. In doing so, the wife was telling her husband she didn't care what he wants.

Maybe Dr. Laura knew more about the situation than made it to the air during the call (due to screening), but the information that went out over the air was not enough to definitively decide if this was a case of a husband who is a jerk or has a problematic fixation or need for too much control – or if it was a matter of a wife choosing to make herself less attractive to her husband.

I've known women who have kept their hair long all through dating, and then immediately after marrying, they chop it off and start to butch up. I know at least one who did it literally the next day after the wedding. My wife pointed it out to me. You know what message that sends to a husband and other men? "I care about getting a man to sign on the dotted line. After that, I’m not going to care." An attitude like that is what is the big turn-off, not necessarily the actual hair style.

This is not to deny that there are men who would welcome the new hairstyle or even requested it. There are also men who don't care either way. But most men do have a preference and for most men, it was part of what attracted him to his wife in the first place. If a husband has a preference, it should be honored (as should his wife's preferences about his facial hair). Dr. Laura has told women who've called in wanting to cut their hair short over the objection of a husband not to do it. But in this case, the damage was already done.

Ah ha! I suspected I had previously written something like this before. I searched and found a posting with the same title.

Daycare Operator Arrested For Impersonation

Allegedly, 34-year-old Chelsea Nichole McClelland was doing bad things with someone else who was entrusted to her care – kind of like an impersonation of Mary Kay Letourneau. Andrew Blankstein reports at LATimes.com.

A South Los Angeles day-care center operator has been arrested on suspicion of lewd acts with her godson after she was allegedly caught having sex with the 13-year-old in a van, Los Angeles police said Monday.

What does she charge for daycare, though?

McClelland, who was arrested on suspicion of multiple instances of lewd acts with a child, is being held in lieu of $400,000 bail at the Van Nuys jail. McClelland could not be reached for comment, and there was no answer at the number listed for the day-care center.

What, none of the other highly qualified staff will answer the phone?

Last week, Mid-City residents reported seeing a white van repeatedly parked in the neighorhood. Police responded Friday and discovered the boy inside the vehicle. The boy initially told them he was 18, but after being interviewed by LAPD sex crimes detectives, he acknowledged that he was 13.

Yeah, good try.

Police said they believe some of the illegal contact took place when the victim was 12.

But maybe he looked 13. "You don't understand, officer! He's so mature. He's really good at the Wii."

McClelland has three biological children and is the legal guardian of a fourth. At the time of her arrest, she was caring for eight children at her day-care center.

Hey, maybe they can make a TV movie about her, too, and there can be all those news magazine television shows that interview them when she gets out of prison and they reunite and marry.

Now, to be fair, there are some great people out there who operate day orphanages. But even the best ones can't replace a parent.

Do you think she'll lose her godmother status?

UPDATED

Boyfriends are Not Husbands

Although husbands can act like boyfriends in certain nice ways. UNSURE IN THE MIDWEST wrote in to Dear Abby:

My boyfriend and I have reached an impasse. He says that breakfast, brunch or lunch is an acceptable time to spend with my girlfriends, but dinner is "family time" and should be spent at home with him.

Since he is your boyfriend, he's not family. But it sounds like you are shacking up, and he is asking you to act like family even though you aren't.

He also says that girlfriends who spend a weekend away together are "up to no good." I see no problem with it.

It is no problem as long as you are unmarried and not engaged. Ask him what he would expect of his wife. If he insists that this wife will be spending most dinners at home, and no weekends with the girlfriends, and that's not the way you want to live, don't marry him. If you don’t want to date under these conditions, dump him. There are men who won't mind a wife being away with the girlfriends on weekends or somewhere else for dinner. But would you want to be married to any of them?

Dear Abby's response:

Your boyfriend appears to be insecure, controlling and have a dim view of women. If you're smart, you will find someone who is less easily threatened by female bonding and let this one go.

Hmmmm, I agree in that he's only a boyfriend. Then again, if they are shacking up and he's paying her bills, then he expects her time in return. If she doesn't like that kind of a "controlling" boyfriend then she can pay her own bills. But what about if they were married? If he would never want his wife away with her friends for a weekend, that would be a problem, but wanting her with him most weekends and for dinner isn't. How controlling can be he if he says it is fine for her to be elsewhere for breakfast and lunch? I also wonder if Dear Abby would say the same thing to a man whose girlfriend wanted him to be with her for dinner every night and didn't want him away with his buddies on weekends?

Another Sexless Marriage

Again it is a husband neglecting his wife. WANTING MORE IN THE SOUTH wrote in to Dear Abby:

My husband of one year (at the time) was considered by everyone to be the most caring, good husband. But he never wanted to have relations with me.

Unacceptable. Divorce time. It shouldn't have taken a year to decide that. If all he wants to be a is a friend, then you shouldn't be married.

After several months of investigation, I learned he had been seeing prostitutes.

Female prostitutes?

He even admitted to me that when he did have sex with me he was thinking of them.

Wait, so you were having relations. Sounds like he has a fetish. Or, that you're really lousy in bed. It's probably the former. Solution: Make him pay you. If you earn less than he does and you're in a community property state, he's paying you anyway. So why not accept payments in cash conveniently timed with your marital lovemaking? I'm mostly kidding.

Fast-forward: I forgave him; we went to counseling.

Oh yeah, that will solve everything.

Abby, he still never wants to have sex with me! When we do, it's because I initiate it. My self-confidence is shot. He says he "doesn't have a sex drive," so I can either accept him for all the positives -- of which there are many -- and not have a sex life, or not.

Is there anything he’s done with the prostitutes that you will not do? As wrong as it is for him to go to prostitutes, that might be why he is. He should be able to ask you for what he needs, and you should be able to give it to him. Otherwise, you're not a match. That might not be your fault at all. It could be a fetish on his part.

I have considered fulfilling my needs outside the marriage, and giving him the green light to do the same, but he's against it.

He's breaking his vows, Why be married if you are at that point? Are you that dependent?

Here's a tip. If you buy a car, and you are never able to get it running, send it back to the dealer instead of taking it to the mechanic. Don't keep making payments and taking the bus.