Guys, It's Time to Go Ghost or Hit the Eject Button

Now is the time, guys, especially in the USA, where Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching. It is time to become extremely scarce to any woman who considers you her fiancé or expects your relationship to head that way. If you're seeing a woman regularly, it is time to disrupt that. Don't end up spending a lot of money!

[Bumped up! Procrastinators, ACT NOW!!!]

It's Not Too Early to Think About the Holidays

Guys in the USA (and some of this might apply to some of you men in other countries), Thanksgiving will be here before you know it. It's Thursday (of course), November 28. Unless you're so ignorant, delusional, or masochistic that you're thinking you want to be exclusive with a woman you've been seeing, perhaps you should set up a tickler on your phone for mid-November as a reminder that you're going to need to avoid any woman you've been seeing regularly. This is especially needed if you've made the mistake of letting her think of you as a potential husband, or a boyfriend, or committed - or you've met her family or friends.

You do NOT want to be with a woman you've been seeing regularly on Thanksgiving, on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, on New Year's Eve, on February 14, or on her birthday if it falls during that time or soon after. Same goes for any day during that time she considers an "anniversary" with you.

You need to avoid such a woman for that whole time: from at least November 28 through February 14.

Why?

1) So she doesn't get the idea that this is heading for a marital or live-in or even an exclusive situation; and

2) To avoid spending money on gifts for her, airfare, hotel rooms, parties, etc.

Be scarce. Be busy, Be "working". Don't answer her calls, texts, etc. or only respond "late" to every third or fourth one, saying you're busy. (She shouldn't know where you really live, or what you're actual phone's number is - use Google Voice or something similar.)

If she won't see you again come February 15, so be it. There are many other women, if you still want to see any.

During that time, as long as it isn't Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve/Day, or New Year's Eve, it's fine to see women who aren't of the "commitment" or "exclusive" thinking, at least when it comes to you. or new women, and you can see a new woman who is alone and desperate on February 14, as long as you're picking her up out and about, on the fly.

Or, use that time to hang out with friends, family, catch up on hobbies, do those chores you've been putting off, etc.

You DO NOT want to be with a woman who is thinking that because you've been seeing her for a while, and you're with her on those holidays and special days, that you're going to be exclusive with her, or living with her, or heading towards marriage. You DO NOT want to have to meet her friends and family. You DO NOT want to have to buy her gifts, or pay her way to some party or event or overpriced dinner or hotel room.

Read more:

We're Almost to February 14

Dealing With the Holidays

Stop! Don't Propose! Don't Marry!

Now is the Time, Guys

Who Am I? Why Am I Here?

Hey you. Yes, you. You might be wondering who I am and why this blog is here.

I'm a married middle-aged father living in the USA. I have steady career work and a four-year college degree. I'm the breadwinner for my family. I'm married to my first (and only) wife and I'm her first husband. Neither of us have children other than the ones we made together, after we married, and are raising. Neither of us shacked up with anyone before we married each other, nor did we live together before we married. We've been married well over the threshold of time that my state would order me to support her for life should we divorce.

I have opinions and experiences I want to share and questions I want to ask. These days, my main goal with this blog is to serve as a warning to other men that most of them should not sacrifice themselves for what our laws and culture now call marriage and fatherhood. For most men, it won't be worth it, even if your brain chemistry and your psychology try to cover up for making terrible decisions by trying to fool you into thinking that you really didn't do so badly by marrying and making children. Most men should be on a marriage strike.

Statistically, due the factors I mentioned in that second paragraph and other factors, my marriage is supposed to be a happy one. That's what "they" say anyway. And my wife probably would tell a pollster it IS a happy marriage, and if I was being polled in front of her, I'd have to agree. But the reality is, it isn't a happy marriage. Poke around the blog and you'll see why.

So, that's the brief overview.

I welcome comments on almost all the blog entries, whether you agree or disagree with me, but if yours looks like s-p-a-m or something from a b-o-t, it won't get published. Also, please watch your language as I try to avoid publishing profanity. You can also interact with me on Twitter.

Things Not to Say When On the Dr. Laura Show

I was already working on an very considered entry here about how to get through a call with Dr. Laura. She mentioned on the show Monday, October 28, 2019 that "someone" (might have had me in mind... no, seriously) should come up with a list of things not to say while a caller on her show.

So, here they are, in no particular order.

Things Not to Say When On the Dr. Laura Schlessinger Show

Women Get Something Out of Shacking Up, Fornication

This is something I wrote several years ago. It is as relevant as ever.

There Are None Good

Late in her show on Thursday, September 12, 2019, Dr. Laura took a call from a wife who said her husband's nephew was "verbally abusive" to her, which Dr. Laura had her change to nasty or mean or whatever, dropping the "abuse" word. The nephew had indicated his marriage was based on his wife's family's wealth, the caller had spoken up against that, and the nephew responded, with rude words, to tell her he didn't care what she thought.

Because of this, the caller's husband agreed to cut short their visit and leave the next day.

Apparently that wasn't enough for Dr. Laura. The husband was supposed to do... something... to the nephew. She didn't say what, which is very telling. Probably a statement of some sort, even though Dr. Laura also tells callers not to waste their breath with pointless confrontations, and "you have no power" and all of that. I guess maybe the point would be to show his wife that he cares? But that hasn't been enough of a point in so many other situations.

Anyway, the caller said her husband is a great husband, and Dr. Laura insisted he wasn't! He's not a great husband because he didn't tell the nephew off?!? Or do whatever unexplained thing he was supposed to do? He could be a great husband in a million ways, but because of this, he's not a good husband?

As she explained, a husband's top priority is to protect his wife. OK, the nephew was rude to her. It's not like he stole from her, physically threatened her, or even questioned her honor.

So, the caller's husband isn't a great husband.

But if that's the standard, there are none that are good. No husbands, no friends, no parents, because everybody is imperfect. This has been a recurring thing on the show lately. Dr. Laura's opinion of a friend suffered because that friend put her in touch with a possible date Dr. Laura decided was dishonorable. She also recently sounded like she had lowered her opinion of someone else she knows because (and Dr. Laura was intentionally very vague about it) that person suggested Dr. Laura interact with someone in the media she apparently loathes. My guess is that it was a suggestion for helping to promote her upcoming book.

Callers need to take note. Be very careful what you say, or you might get sidetracked by a declaration that someone in your life is terrible and you're in serious error for calling them a friend, or staying in touch with your mother, or having married your husband. Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying. Dr. Laura is absolutely right most of the time when the caller's focus is to describe an individual's ongoing or repeated actions in great detail. But in situations in which only one relatively minor issue can be described, no strangers should make a judgment that the person's overall performance as a parent or friend or spouse or coworker or boss or employee should be declared bad.

Dr. Laura typically does 15 hours of radio per week. In an average week, she hits the nail on the head 98 percent of the time. That's why the times I think she falls short stick out to me so much.

Attention Radio Hosts Whose Shows Are Sold as Podcasts

If you're not going to post an hour of your show, for whatever reason, that you did live, please post a note to that effect. I suppose it is too much ask for a reason, too? Some of us actually WANT TO LISTEN to your show, and yeah, some of us are a bit compulsive about.

The talk radio hosts I listen to the most all have podcast versions of their shows that can be subscribed to for month or a year at a time, at a cost. The "in-show" live ads they read are included, but the "breaks" aren't, which is convenient. Each hour of the show is posted separately, as a separate file to play or download.

When Dr. Laura is out and the show is a "Best of" (a re-run), the brief description of the podcast hours will usually include that it is a "Best of". Sometimes, the same hour will be mistakenly posted as two different hours, and that will usually be corrected the next day the show is live. So, if that happens on a Friday, on Monday the staff will correct it.

I have paid subscriptions currently to Dr. Laura, Dennis Prager, and Michael Medved. Prager's podcast descriptions will also note when the show is a re-run or when a guest host is filling in. My gripe is about Medved's podcast. It seems that every week or two, there'll be an hour that is simply not posted at all. There will be a listing for Hour 1 and Hour 2 on Thursday, no mention of Hour 3, and then Hours 1, 2, and 3 for Friday. That sort of thing. There won't be a mention of the missing Hour 3. Or, as happened recently, there'll be an hour listed and described, but the file is actually something that's just four minutes long, instead of the usual 36 or 37 minutes.

Tweeting at the official account doesn't help.

I'd love to recommend Medved's podcast, but if we're not even going to get an explanation, let alone the actual content for which we paid, I'm reluctant.

Yeah, it's a First World problem. I could go back to listening to the shows live. It's far more convenient for me to listen to them once they're packaged as podcasts.

Do the Dreams of Men Matter?

Dr. Laura has repeatedly told male callers to her show (either directly or through their wife calling) that it doesn't matter if they hate their job, they need to (financially) provide for their family and not be concerned with following some dream.

During yesterday's show (August 21, 2017) [yes, this entry has been bumped up] during the third hour, she got a call from a woman who has been a SAHM, formerly a dental assistant, who was going back to work due to her kids aging out, but as a preschool (= daycare, which Dr. Laura usually rails against) teacher. The woman prefers doing the preschool work, but the dental assistant work, which she could get, pays far more, and her husband wanted her to take that work instead of the preschool work, to facilitate saving for retirement.

Now, Dr. Laura has declared she'll never retire and she says she can't understand people who retire "early" (despite telling men to do jobs they hate), so that might have played into her answer. Most people do want to retire, though.

Dr. Laura specifically told this woman to follow her dream and do the preschool work, and to tell her husband she's going to budget to save money. She tells wives these things (like when she tells a wife to tell her husband she'll feel sexier if she can quit her job), but I wonder how many actually follow through and budget, and are more frequent/enthusiastic lovers? My guess is many don't. There may not be all that much they can do to save more money, or maybe the husband doesn't want to cut back on their current lifestyle? In this case, the kids were off the college so that was probably going to be a big financial strain.

Dr. Laura further said that she doesn't know what has happened to today's males, who are, in her estimation, telling women to "go be a slave, forget about your dreams and earn income". This is very revealing. Are husbands slaves? Anyone clued in to MGTOW would say yes. I'm right there with Dr. Laura when the kids are young and there needs to be a parent with them. One parent (usually the husband) needs to earn income and the other (usually the wife) needs to be primarily concerned with caretaking of the children. But that's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about empty-nesters.

What has happened to today's males? Here's what has happened: It costs more to live longer. Husbands know career disruption is a big thing now and they can't count on having their job until retirement. Also, there are an awful lot of wives out there who decided to leave their marriages, and if they are earning nothing or significantly less than their husbands (as most wives do), they are getting alimony payments, and depending on the state, for the rest of their lives!

The caller's husband is trying to secure their joint future. If they're going to need care, that's going to cost. If they're going to want to travel, that's not cheap. If they're going to be paying for their kids' education and weddings, that can easily total hundreds of thousands of dollars.

So... do the dreams of men matter?

We're not talking about the needs of children. That's out of the picture at this point. Now it becomes a question of whose dreams matter more. His dreams appear to be centered on the two of them together. Her dreams are about what she's doing with her day.

If is important to note that Dr. Laura frequently refers to a man marrying as a man "laying down his life".

Men: Want to pursue your dreams? Want to live your life instead of laying it down? DON'T MARRY. When you marry, it becomes all about her. And if you have children it is all about them. So don't do those things. Now, Dr. Laura and others  might accuse you of being selfish or immature or "afraid of commitment" or some other negative label. So what? You can console yourself with all of your freedom and financial security and enjoying your dreams and NOT dealing with nagging and hostility from the person who is sharing your home. That way, the woman you would have married can work whatever job she wants to. She won't have to deal with your request she be a "slave" like you have been.

Dating and Courting Are Not the Same Thing

I wish I had waited longer to finish up this entry about something Dr. Laura said on her show recently, because this past Tuesday (8/13/2019) she elaborated on her position about dates. I've been listening to her for decades and I don't remember her ever saying it so clearly. There might have been a couple of times I heard her saying the caller was dating a bum because he had gone on a date with someone else, but usually there were other problems with him, so I didn't catch it.

I agree with her on so much, but this is an area in which I think she's far too limiting and most of her listeners will not conform because it is generally understood that going on a few dates with someone doesn't make the people dating an exclusive couple; it is expected that they might be going on dates with other people as well, at least until they have a "define the relationship" moment, agree to be exclusive, or agree "we are girlfriend and boyfriend".

That's how it always was with any woman I dated, including my now-wife. My wife had the same understanding.

So Glad I Could Help

A comment was left on this entry of the blog. I wanted to highlight the comment, but I'm also putting it here because I wanted to "censor" it because I really don't want profanities on my blog. I don't mind people using profanities in private with me. I just don't want them on my blog.

William D.

Just found your blog at 6am in a hotel room away from my Wife and 4 year old daughter because initiating a divorce got me shooed out. Hooked after reading 1 post and stayed because of your positive personality. Might sound ironic to some that I say “positive” but honestly it takes a positive, brave and mindful person to come to terms with what’s going on, accept it and take the best route. It’s easy to go into a downward spiral of resentment and f--- things up (extreme example: Chris watts) Just reading reminds me that I am not alone and grounds me to deeper consciousness. Thanks Ken!

William, thank you so much for your very kind comment. I am so sorry for what you're going through and for what your daughter is going through. I sincerely hope you and your wife can patch things up, at least well enough and long enough that your daughter will be raised in a supportive home. If that doesn't happen, I hope you will be able to be there for your daughter as much as possible.

Guys, the best way to avoid a situation like this is to avoid conceiving children and refuse to marry.

Men Going Their Own Way - MGTOW

As I've understood it, Men Going Their Own Way is about men not getting into dependent relationships with women, whether that means avoiding social interactions with women entirely or exclusive dating relationships, and certainly refusing to marry or co-parent with a woman. I have also understood it to mean not being dependent on, nor reinforcing, gynocentric governments or certain other institutions. MGTOWs are certainly marriage strikers, but not the only ones. There may be some people who can be identified as both MGTOW and MRA (Men's Rights Activist) but not all MGTOWs are MRAs and not all MRAs are MGTOWs.

Faithful Leykis 101 students, who, while pursuing casual sex, avoid exclusive dating/romantic relationships, avoid living with women, avoid interacting with women in the workplace any more than strictly necessary, avoid conceiving children or co-parenting, fit in with the MGTOW movement, although Leykis, a self-proclaimed libertarian Never-Trumper, has stated he perceives MGTOW to be a co-opting of Leykis 101 with Trump support, and perhaps other things he doesn't like, added on. I think I heard him or others suggest MGTOW is racist, which doesn't seem to be the case at all, as I see men of all races active in the movement and most racists in social media strongly urge people of their own race to marry and pop out a lot of children.

My understanding of the MGTOW movement is that it is international, non-partisan, and generally welcomes men across the political spectrum (although it opposes laws and government projects and programs favoring women) regardless of religion, race, or ethnicity. Given MGTOW concerns about gynocentrism, it is understandable why they would have supported Trump as the only alternative to a President Hillary Clinton.

While there may be some incels (involuntarily celibates) who hide behind the MGTOW label, most men in the movement, which deliberately seeks to avoid marriage or any interdependent relationship with a woman, are NOT incels. They are VOLUNTARILY celibate (unmarried), whether they are chaste or they are fornicating. Indeed, many of them have been married and many are fathers. 

Don't Be Like Me

There was a time I was unmarried, child-free, and living a darn good life. [This entry is bumped up from October 2016 as it is still relevant. The updates included below were added a while ago, and things have not improved.]

To be sure, I was working a lot. I had a full-time job, a part-time job, and I freelanced. But the part-time job and the freelancing were mostly about having fun and interacting with my friends. Since I had budgeted my living expenses based on just my full-time job, everything else I earned went directly into savings.

And saving I was. And investing. I was on track to be able to retire very comfortably.

I was renting. Sure, it wasn't owning, but it also meant that no problem with the property was my problem - it was the landlord's, and I had the easy option of moving if I needed to. As it was, I was living a short drive from my full-time job.

I was hanging with my friends and spending time ALONE (which I very much enjoyed) in my free time and otherwise doing what I wanted to do.

As long as I showed up to work, filed my taxes, paid my rent, paid my utilities, and paid my credit cards, which I easily paid off every month, I was meeting my obligations - and I had no trouble doing any of that. I had no mortgage, no property taxes, no homeowner's insurance, no car payments, no school payments, no medical bills beyond insurance and a small co-pay for doctor visits, no student loan payments.  I didn't even need exercise equipment or a gym membership because one of my jobs kept me in shape.

I was fully able to shop for and prepare my own food, take care of my laundry, and keep my place clean.

Basically, my biggest problem was scheduling. If I wanted to do something that was going to take place when I normally worked, I needed to ask for the time off well in advance. Or have a good enough track record to take a sick day.

I had also gotten the hang of dealing with women so as to avoid spending any more time, money, energy, or emotion than necessary. There were women who were all wrong for me, who tried to get their hooks into me, and I limited interaction to what I wanted. I went on dates, and didn't sacrifice my wallet or myself in doing so.

It was a carefree life.

I decided I was open to marriage and fatherhood, if I found the right woman with whom I could do these things. (Before that, I was under the assumption that I should seek to marry and raise children.)

My mistake was believing that such a woman could possibly exist.

It's Amost His Time

There are two basic models of "relationships" that "work" for men.

The first is the all-in, marriage-minded one. Granted, this fails most of the time as either she divorces you, or cheats on you, or kills you, or becomes indifferent towards you, or unbearable to live with. But for a few people, usually people who are both enthusiastically following a conservative religious framework together, it "works" in that they stay together and won't admit to entertaining a desire to have a different life.

The other is the Leykis 101 life or something very similar to it, in which a guy is just enough of an aloof jerk that women will hook up with him for a while without expecting much from him. Guys can get just about all of the sex they want without any of the stuff they don't want (paying her bills, dealing with her friends and family, etc.)

If not one of those, a guy "should" be full-on MGTOW and stay out of the mess entirely. Because otherwise, you get people like this guy who wrote to Dear Abby.

Let's look at the letter from SOMEBODY'S BOYFRIEND IN MICHIGAN. 

More Angry Single Mothers

I have this thing about trying to keep the text on this blog free of "cussing", to keep it like something you'd heard on broadcast terrestrial radio. I even have a warning where people comment saying that their comment won't get posted. But people do it anyway. Sometimes, I want to address their comment. That means I have to copy/paste/edit their comment to remove the cussing.

Below, I look at a couple of comments left on this blog's most popular entry, which advises men not to date single mothers. It's received so many comments over the years that I'm thinking about posting a new entry for the sole purpose of allowing new comments on the topic. (Feel free to comment on this posting instead of the original one.)

What To Teach My Son?

My son currently insists he's never getting married. [This post is from January 2017. My son's thinking might have changed.]

He's still just a little kid, though, so it could still be the childhood "girls are yucky" sort of thing, or it could be more serious, such as seeing what my life is like as a husband. I try to put on a good face, but he is more than smart enough to observe the fact that I have to go work as much as I do and yet we have to watch our spending and that I spend much of my time at home being my wife's butler.

I know what I'm supposed to teach my son, according to the standard operation procedure of the subculture to which I belong: Stay "pure", go to college and/or the military, get a career, get married and make babies, and stay married at least until those babies are all grown, all while regularly attending church and giving "ten percent" and more to the church, in addition to time and effort serving in some capacity. And he should do this so... his sons can do the same thing, and their sons can do the same thing.

However, I can't, in good conscience, encourage a son of mine to enter into what our laws and culture now call marriage.

And there's the great paradox.

Dr. Laura Modifies Her Show

Call-in talk shows, especially those relying on drivers for a good chunk of their audience, are dealing with generations who are not making as many phone calls in general. Tom Leykis dealt with this problem on his live show.

In recent weeks, Dr. Laura was telling listeners she had open lines on a daily or almost daily basis, something I can't recall hearing on her show before. Heading into the Memorial Day weekend, she announced this past Friday that, rather than restricting calls to those she'd begin with "How may I help you?" that were strictly about moral dilemmas and relationships (how to handle a mean coworker, what parent is to do about their troubled teen, should the caller keep dating this person) with the occasional "Just want to tell you that you've helped me so much", she would open it up to broader, seemingly apolitical topics. "What do you want to chat about?" became the opening of each call.

It's really a contrast from just a few months ago, when she'd say "No more calls today about your husband cheating on you or your adult kid being a snowflake who won't move out", which further narrowed the acceptable calls.

Rather than resuming the previous, long-term format after the holiday on Tuesday, she kept the newly adjusted format going.

Another huge, simultaneous change, is that she's being softer and more mellow in her voice and tone. Whether this is due to market research, a lack of calls (people being afraid to be chewed up and spit out), or some good thing in her personal life, I don't know. But the result seems to be positive. A majority of listeners commenting like the show better this way, and I agree it is easier on the ears.

If our culture moves further and further away from phone calls to other ways of communicating, Dr. Laura might have to, reluctant as she may be, incorporate some live social media involvement in her show. Calls and letters from listeners are great, but adapting to more might be necessary.

I hope her show is around as long as she has said she wants it to be.

Does Saving It Make it Better or Divorce-Proof Your Marriage?

A letter was printed at drlaura.com from someone who endorses saving sex for marriage:

Abstinence until marriage is the best!!! It's also the BEST gift you could ever give your future spouse.

To say you WAITED for them, instead of shacking up and throwing the benefits and blessings of marriage to the wind. If you do have sex without the blessing of marriage, you rob yourself and your partner of the best blessing you will ever know.

Its not anything special if you don't wait.

No indication is given as to the sex of the writer, but I think it is safe to say it is a written by a devoutly religious married woman who is happy with her husband, at least for now.

Let's look at it bit by bit.

Provocative Women on Twitter

Dr. Laura has repeatedly told wives who call into her show who don't like their husbands watching porn that it is OK for him to watch as long as he's not neglecting his obligations and the porn is of women or women with men, and not of "children or small farm animals". (It's still OK if he watches gay male porn, but it means he's gay, so it was bad of him to marry her.)

During the first hour of today's show (May 8, 2019) she got a call from a woman upset that her husband follows "provocative women" on Twitter. Without hesitation, Dr. Laura responded like this was not acceptable.

Why?

What is the difference between "watching porn" and "following provocative women on Twitter"? In some cases, there is no difference! Some men watch their porn on Twitter. The "provocative women" are probably models who post pictures and videos.

I have to wonder if there was information on the screen Dr. Laura didn't share with us?

More likely, though, this was simply a part of Dr. Laura's bias against technology and especially social media. She makes it clear that, although her show has a Twitter account, she doesn't use Twitter and doesn't handle the show's account. So maybe she just doesn't know enough about Twitter?

She probably doesn't realize that some of the previous "my husband watches porn" calls were about husbands watching on Twitter, or Tumblr, or some other social media. She probably just assumed it was the husband going to website that isn't social media, or watching videos on discs or streaming services.

So, it sounded like this caller got a different answer than Dr. Laura has given so many others due to a misunderstanding.

Fortunately, she continues to have a great show and help a lot of people. (Also, at the end of the call, the wife was saying she was going to stay, so hopefully a marriage wasn't unnecessarily broken up.)

June Is Coming

Wedding season, gentlemen. Maybe you’re scheduled to be the groom.

Maybe a man you care about is scheduled to be a groom.

Maybe a woman you’re "seeing" or "with" is expecting you to be her date for a wedding or weddings.

Obviously, the first situation is the most dire.

No, Don't Get Rid of Your Video Games

The last call Dr. Laura took during the first hour of her Thursday, April 18 2019 show was a husband and wife. Dr. Laura finished the call insisting repeatedly that the husband get rid of his video games, even though that wasn't what the call was about and was mentioned almost in passing.

Rather than repeat myself, I will refer to these previous entries:

Go Watch Your Musicals, Ladies

Some Real Men Play Video Games