Response to a Widowed Mother

The most visited entry on this blog, by a mile, is about why men shouldn't date single mothers. It has garnered hundreds of comments. One came in today from Anonymous that prompted me to respond:

You really broke my heart, I'm new to the dating scene. My husband passed away for years ago I'm in my young forties and I have three little girls that I love dearly. My husband died of no fault of my own and I'm widowed. It looks like I have no hope to ever find someone to love me because I have 3 kids even though they have their own checks that come with them until they're 18 men don't know that unless I tell them. If what you say is really What Men really think then I have no hope. My heart is so broken your article is so sad

Anonymous, I'm so sorry that that happened to you. You have my sympathies. I can't imagine what you've endured.

As I wrote in the entry on dating single mothers, it's a little different for your situation (being widowed through no fault of your own).

The "good" news for you is that there are PLENTY of men who don't think these things through and will take on a woman with kids, even though people like me would urge him not to.

But there's a lot of bad news and potentially bad news, including that the pickings are slim for a woman in her 40s even if she is child-free.

While your situation is different from a never-married or divorced mom, there are still enormous risks for a man. And there are problems for you, too. Here are some of the problems you're still facing:

1) Marriages in which there are stepchildren (which your children would be to him) have a 70% divorce rate, and the other 30% aren't all happy.

2) That's just marriages. Most relationships do not even get to that point. Do your kids really need the drama of a new man coming into their life, and then the breakup and him going back out of their life? And you being upset about it?

3) What if he has kids? If you're looking for a serious, lasting relationship, most men in the age range you should be dating are going to have kids; some are even going to have grandkids. That makes it even more complicated and chaotic. Let's say he has minor kids. And he marries you. So now his kids get to come VISIT him raising YOUR kids. How do you think that makes those kids feel? And do you think your kids will want to deal with these interlopers?

4) Kids whose parents do not bring around a new lover into their kids' life have a much lower risk of being abused than kids who are exposed to their parent's new lover(s). In other words, it appears that bringing your new lovers around your kids makes it more likely they will be abused. Imagine for a second the mind of a pedophile. I know, it's an icky thought. But do you think a pedophile is more likely to choose a woman who has kids (and their father isn't around!) or a woman who has no kids? So, you're a target. Scary thought, but it's sadly true.

Seems to me the best thing to do is: 1) Make sure you're done having kids, either through tubal ligation or hysterectomy or whatever. 2) Until your kids are grown, date when your kids are with their grandparents or aunts or uncles or friends, so your kids never have to meet your new lover(s) while they are still minors.

And, if you do things that way, the good news is that you can expand the age range of men you'll date. So, for example, if you want to try being with a younger man, go for it! You can find a lot of them willing to date a mother in her 40s because a lot of the their age are too busy with older men to date them.

I hope I've given you some perspective.

A Tale of an Alpha Male Father

One of Dr. Laura's favorite go-to stories about "alpha male" fathers dealing with boys who disrespect their mother is from a letter she got from a guy who recalls mouthing off to his mother until his father came into the room, grabbed him by the collar and/or pinned him up against the wall or some such maneuver, got into his face, and said "You will never talk to MY WOMAN that way!" And the letter writer claimed it worked.

Dr. Laura is very clear that the wording is "my woman" rather than "your mother", because the woman being disrespected is the father/husband's territory. That's her wording. This is one of the very few specific examples I've heard anyone, not just Dr. Laura, describe when they tell husbands and fathers to "man up" or "be a real man" or "be alpha" or "get control of your family". Apparently guys are usually supposed to magically know an effective tactic that follows from such admonitions. Like this:

Teen: Screw you!
Outside Observer: You can't let your son behave that way! Be alpha!
Father: [does the unexplained alpha tactics... because someone else told him to be alpha]
Teen: I love you, dad! I'll never be disrespectful again.

But here we have one of the very rare times a specific tactic is described. A few of observations about this anecdote:

Prager Isn't a Hypocrite When It Comes to Divorce

Someone got here by searching:

dennis prager divorce hypocrite

Prager is NOT a hypocrite on divorce.

He's been divorced twice but he never says people shouldn't divorce. Quite the contrary, he says marriage involves a contract and that if someone isn't holding up their end of the contract, then divorce is entirely reasonable. He also tries to advocate for strengthening marriages.

People assume all "religious conservatives" think alike on everything, and it isn't the case. Also, remember that Prager is an observant Jew, not a Christian.

I have no idea why Prager has been divorced twice. That's probably by design. And to be fair, why would he give an explanation on his radio show or in his books or columns when his ex-wives don't really have the same platform? It's probably best he doesn't talk about it.


He does beat the drum for marrying and having children. I wish he wouldn't. Most men shouldn't marry, not have children. But Prager advocates marriage and is consistent in that he's married three times (so far).

Interestingly, he has a colleague working for the same company, Michael Medved. Diane Medved has written a book called Don't Divorce that Michael has promoted on his show. I'd thought I'd read Michael had been married before he married Diane but maybe I'm not remembering correctly. He speaks glowingly of Diane.

They Do Everying But Name the Guy a Murderer - UPDATED

The first suspect in criminal homicide cases is usually going to be either the last person who saw (or admitted to seeing) the victim alive, or the victim's spouse (ah, marriage), A good example of the first scenario is this tragic case unfolding right now in Orange County, California. A university student by the name of Blaze Bernstein went missing, and then was found dead over a week later. This article by Kelly Puente in the Orange County Register cites a police document, referring to the "friend" of the victim:

The body of 19-year-old pre-med college student Blaze Bernstein was found Tuesday in brush near a Foothill Ranch park where he went missing more than a week ago, and records show that a high-school classmate who reportedly was the last known person to see him alive appeared nervous when interviewed by detectives.

That's just the start of it.

Trying to Make a Bad Situation A Little Bit Better

There's a lot of advice out there about keeping or reviving the  - romance, spark, passion or whatever words you want to use - in a marriage.

Why is that?

It's because so many married people lose that spark, lose that attraction, lose that fun, lose that passion.

This is why so many men are just fine dating a woman for three months and then not really caring if she stops seeing him ("Where is this relationship going???"). Such men are constantly finding other women, and they know the sex is never going to get any better than those first few months. Some marriage advocates balk at that and insist the sex gets better in good marriages, and to some extent I agree, but I also know most men want variety and excitement in sex more than emotional intimacy. And most marriages aren't good most of the time.

Anyway, the latest bit of advice about trying to arrange the deck chairs on the Titanic comes from Dr. Laura. She posted this on her website: "10 Ways to Rekindle the Romance in Your Marriage"

You might think that trying to rekindle the romance in your marriage is heavy stuff.

As I Guessed

On yesterday's show, Tom Leykis confirmed the threshold had been met and his show will continue. He came on live to make the announcement despite his voice being seriously limited by illness, because he'd  promised that date as the date of the big announcement.

Hopefully, he'll fully recover ASAP.

It will be interesting to see how many people bought yearlong subscriptions that will lapse (due to their intention setting or due to credit card changes) in December of this year. If enough other people subscribe or renew throughout the year, or a significant new sponsorship gets into place, it won't matter.

If Leykis still has a book coming, that should get him a new wave of listeners/callers/subscribers.

The Age of 2017 is Over - The Age of 2018 is Here

Another calendar year is winding down to a close. Have you made resolutions for 2018? Resolutions can be made at any time. You don't need to wait for an arbitrary calendar date. I read somewhere that if you can keep  a new habit for 21 days, you're likely to keep it going. It can also be helpful to make incremental changes. For example, if you want to walk more, don't think you need to start walking a certain long distance every day. Start with something and then add to it a little at a time.

But this entry is not about resolutions.

It is simply taking a moment to think about the year ending and think about the year ahead.

New Years Eve and New Years Day have become popular proposal days, and there are people who  pick December 31 as their day to get married. Guys, DO NOT fall into that trap!

As for me, I have kept active on Twitter and I plan to keep active on this blog, because I find it therapeutic and if I can help just one man have a better life, and to be better, than it will be worth it (in addition to how it helps me).

There were some big things that happened this year. My wife's sibling and in-law, who'd been living with us rent-free for almost two years, were kicked out by my wife because my wife didn't think they were helping out enough and didn't like their attitudes. We had to hospitalize one of our kids in a psych ward (they were only there temporarily, but long enough) and we're still dealing with finding the best therapy. There was at least one other big change on which I might elaborate later.

I'm not planning big changes for 2018. I plan to keep working and I plan to keep trying to keep my wife from going off the rails again and keep tending to my kids. Save for a concert I have tickets to already, I have nothing planned for me that will be fun. I'll be happy if life doesn't get much worse.

A few notes about media from this past year. Hugh Hefner died, as I predicted he would (two other people I predicted would die in 2017 haven't - yet). Some people tried to tie Hefner in to all of the men doing everything from sending unsolicited crotch shots to sexual harassment to rape in the entertainment industry. At the other end of the spectrum, the head of a Protestant ministry, the Christian Research Institute, left Protestantism for Eastern Orthodoxy while staying put at the ministry, which I consider to be a bad move on his part (not necessarily joining the EOC, but keeping his position in a Protestant ministry). Then there was Tom Leykis continuing to pass along his astute observations on the unfolding demise of the corporate terrestrial radio industry while threatening to end his own Internet-based show unless he got enough subscribers by the end of the year.

Do you have observations for 2017? Plans or predictions for 2018? I always welcome comments. I hope you have a great 2018.

How Things Go in Marriage

At least mine, anyway, and probably a lot of other husbands.


Scenario 1:

Wife: I'd like you to make more of the decisions.

Me: [consults with my wife, makes a decision]

Wife: You don't listen to me!

Me: I did listen to you. We didn't agree. I made the decision.



Scenario 2:

Wife: I want to do X, Y, and Z.

Me: Let's think about this for a bit.

Wife: I REALLY WANT TO DO X, Y, and Z NOW!

Me: What if M, N, and O happen as a result? I don't want to deal with that. That wouldn't be good.

Wife: You're so negative! Why do you have to crap on everything I want to do?!? This is the best thing to do!

Wife: [Does X, Y, and Z.]

M,N, and O are the result.

Wife: I didn't know it was going to be like this! This bums me out so much. I wish we'd never done X, Y, and Z. HELP ME!!!

REPEAT with different things in the X, Y, and Z spots.


If you want to share scenarios, please comment with yours.

What Women Like

Today's example of what women like - like so much they will have intercourse with such men, apparently without effective contraception - comes from a recent Dear Abby column:

I have a 14-year-old daughter I have raised alone. Her father has never been in her life, nor has he been in the lives of his other children with other women. He has a long history of criminal behavior and mental illness.

Note that the guy being described has obviously had sex with many women, women who don't use contraception effectively.

Will There Be a Tom Leykis Cliffhanger? - UPDATED

As has happened in some years past, at least as recently as 2014, Tom Leykis, who evaluates his business goals on a calendar year basis, is warning his listeners that his live audio call-in show will end at the turn of the year unless the finances are favorable. Extremely transparent in comparison to so many other entertainers, he's insisting that unless he has 1,900 subscribers by the end of the year (and it is important to note the shows at the end of the year will be repeats due to the holidays), this version of his show, which started in early 2012, will end, with a final live show in early January to say goodbye. And as Leykis says, his word is his bond. As of this writing, he has nearly 1,800 subscribers. Unless the pace of subscriptions and renewals picks up, his live shows this year will end without it being clear if the goal will be met.

If you're not familiar with Leykis' business, you should be. And you should care what happens with it.

Go Watch Your Musicals, Ladies

UPDATE: I'm bumping this up on June 15, 2012 because today Dr. Laura covered this topic again and asked for comments on Facebook (even though grown men are not supposed to use Facebook, right?) about how playing video games is turning men into pathetic worms. Or something like that. I haven't listened to her commentary on today's show yet. I'll likely have more to say about this soon, based on the comments left on Facebook. -K

UPDATE AGAIN 12/14/2017: Bumping this up again because she again told a caller to toss out her 16 year-old son's video game system (and remove the network entirely from his life). You know what guys that age are likely to do if you do that, given their newfound free time? Knock up girlfriends.



Dr. Laura is back from vacation and the first segment of today's show already got me going. If you click on my Dr. Laura tag you'll see that there's a lot I like about her and her show and I think she does a lot of good. But one of the areas in which I think she's off the mark is "video games". I've written about this before.

I think it was her second call of the day... a wife had called, dragging her husband along, telling Dr. Laura that they have disagreed since they got married (about a year and half ago, if I recall correctly) about the husband playing video games. Dr. Laura did NOT ask the wife if she knew about the guy's game playing when she married him.

Instead, she insisted that the guy needed to choose between the video games and his wife. She repeatedly said that he looks like a "boy", and "adolescent". She would not listen to anything he had to say, nor when his wife tried to interject something. She called it "childish", a "turn-off" and said it didn’t matter what his accomplishments were, that he needed to give up the games.

From there, she went to break and when she came back, she emphasized her point again. Finally, just before she took another call, she threw in a mention that women should not overlook it before marriage and then turn around and make an issue of it once married. (My guess is that she'd advise women not to marry these guys.) I wish she would have drilled the wife on that one. I think it is a rotten thing to do to marry someone and then make an issue out of your spouse's recreational activity.

As I wrote before, I don't play video games. I don't even play those games on social networking sites, or solitaire, or any of the other games found in desktop and handheld computers. But I still fail to see what the big deal is about this. Some people like watching movies. Some people like watching TV shows, including sports. Some people like playing video games. I fail to see why one is worse than the others. I get that Dr. Laura is not into them, but she's wrong on this one.

There are a lot of things, I’m sure, that the husband could cite about his wife's behavior that guys would find a turn-off, even though he married her knowing about them. Dr. Laura had kicked off the show talking about how she had taken time off to go sailing and how much fun it was. There are people who would find that to be silly or childish. But so what? They don't have to go sailing. And Dr. Laura doesn't need to play games, and neither does this guy's wife.

At least people are able to play video games together, and he's right there in the home so that his wife can approach him if she wants to. I hope that guy rewards his wife for dragging him into that trap by picking up a solitary hobby that takes him out of the house or into the garage and away from his wife… so that she begs him to go back to playing video games.

I personally know two grown men who are game designers, and they are mature and make a good living. It's honest work. And they target their games to adults - not with "adult" content, mind you, but they do not talk down to children. I hadn't even thought about them, though, when I started writing this. I was simply thinking about players.

Don't like your husband playing games? Go watch a musical, or scrapbook, or whatever.

Do You Have a Commitment?

Ladies, after listening closely to Dr. Laura for many, many years, I know how to tell if you have are in a committed relationship. Some of you think you're in a committed relationship, but you're really not. I've tried to keep this as simple as possible.


Do You Have a Commitment?

On Spreadsheets and Owing Sex

[Bumping this up.]

Much attention was recently paid to a posting by a frigid wife of a spreadsheet her husband made detailing their lack of a sex life and the lame excuses she provided in rejecting him.

In response, many people have circulated this flowchart:

Of course this is not something presented from a Biblical perspective. In the Biblical worldview, married people (uh, that's a man and a woman, for you youngsters who have been robbed of a good understanding of marriage) belong to each other. Sexually rejecting your spouse is denying something they are owed, and is religious grounds for divorce, and used to be legal grounds for divorce, back when you actually needed a reason. Marriages weren't considered valid unless they has been consummated with intercourse.

We can agree that a wife (or woman, since we as a society now want to shame slut-shamers) does not owe anyone sex. However, we should also agree that in the very same sense, no man owes a woman...

love

respect

his seat

his coat

his arm

a dance

a prom

a phone call

protection

help with heavy objects

automotive maintenance and repair

romance

dinner

a movie

a ride

the storefront side of the sidewalk

conversation

attention

flowers

jewelry

sweets

a wedding

a baby

birthday cards

birthday presents

anniversary cards

anniversary presents

Valentine's Day cards

Valentine's Day presents

tax money

Let's make sure we establish that and it will be a wonderful world of men and women not being pleasant towards each other.

Most likely, the woman who posted that spreadsheet her husband had made rarely, if ever, rejected a nice session of fornication with him. Before they married, she represented herself as enjoying sex and wanting to have regular/frequent sex with him. If he was a bad lover or somehow deficient in their relationship in a way that turned her off, why wasn't he alerted? She was able to function just fine then. Now that he has signed a legal contract giving him certain financial obligations to her, she rejects him. Is this just a coincidence?

Many unmarried men, especially ones who are divorced, find that many women seem to be willing and eager to have sex - lots of it - with them, even if they don't spend much (if any) time, money, or effort into romancing them or "setting the mood" or jumping through hoops. This is true even if those women have children, jobs, and maintain their own homes. These women really seem to enjoy the sex, too. Why do so many wives, meaning women who are legally entitled to one man's earnings, have so much less interest in sex? Is this just a coincidence?

Even stupid men eventually follow the rewards.

A strong inculcating of conservative religious notions about sexuality will tell a man that fornication is wrong. However, at some point, more and more men will be willing to be celibate or an occasional fornicator than a rejected husband, because becoming a husband means taking on very serious risks and obligations and if the rewards aren't there, fewer men are going to do it, no matter how much their churches tell them women deserve husbands.

On the personal front, it has been a while since I wrote this series. Things have gotten worse. Mercy sex is now once per week if I am lucky. Two week+ intervals are being imposed more, and that's just part of the problem. Recently we spent a little time with a married couple I admire that we do not get to see that often. I have been friends with them for a long time now, long before I met my wife. The husband was one of my groomsmen. After the visit, they wrote to me with their concerns. Their concerns matched those of my father (who has been telling me to consider divorce) and line up with what our therapist has said to me. All of them urge me to find relaxing, fun time for myself, but I just don't see how I can without further shortchanging my children, who have already been screwed by having the parents they do.

I hope somebody out there is learning important lessons from all of this.

Your Child, Your Choice, Your Responsibility

The mommy wars never end. Michael Medved, as I type, has Erica Komisar on his show, who has a book out about the importance of mothers being with their children from birth to age three. Of course there are women calling up complaining about the fact that children benefit from actually being with their mother. They'd rather not hear the truth, apparently. And others are complaining that their employer doesn't facilitate this.

There are thee issues here.

1) It is YOUR responsibility to plan things so that if you have children, they will have their mother* with them. Your choice, remember? With choice comes responsibility. Daycare is almost always voluntary and a bad choice. If you're not cut out to be a mother, don't become one. If you don't have a marriage that allows for you to mother your own children, don't have them.

2) It is not a legitimate role of government to compel employers to provide daycare or maternity leave or any other of these accommodations parents want.

3) Employers should be free to run their businesses as they want. If they want to give mothers paid time off to raise their children, fine, but expecting all employers to offer it is an attitude of entitlement.

A Free Man Calls Dr. Laura

As you know if you read this blog, I'm married, and I'm a father, having had children with my wife. I got married because I wanted to, and I have children because I wanted to.*

On yesterday's (Wednesday, November 1, 2017) Dr. Laura Program, which I love, I think it was the first call that she took that had me wanting to scream.

The caller was a man of about 30 years of age, who has a girlfriend who is 29. He's never wanted children. The girlfriend indicated she has wanted children, but was willing to not have children for the right relationship.

Hugh Hefner and Hysteria

After a long and storied life, Hugh Hefner passed, and everyone seemed to have something to say about him. Those who had mostly negative things to say about him fell into two basic categories: self-proclaimed feminists who are misandrists, and people with a religious conviction that sex and nudity are for monogamous heterosexual marriage and anything that goes against that is some of the worst stuff ever.

While some critics puffed up their essays with big words, if you watched closely and read between the lines, what really upset people about Hefner more than anything else was that he and/or his media exposed or glaringly reinforced some truths people didn’t want to admit:

1)  Men can get sexually aroused strictly from the visual, and static, two-dimensional visuals at that.

2) Men want to see women naked more more than woman want to see men naked.

3) Men are willing to pay to see women naked.

4) Women, even the girl next door, are willing to sell their sexuality for money.

5) Men want sex more than women.

6) Women are their most visually attractive in their late teens/early 20s.

Hugh Hefner's biggest "crime" was making glamour nudes of the world's most beautiful women accessible to the masses, especially men, even if they were poor, whereas in the past, only the rich could see such women. He catered to the tastes of grown men, without trying to accommodate women and children or let women dictate what men should enjoy. Playboy allowed men to see nude women (albeit only pictorial representations) without having to sign a state marriage contract. These are his real sins in the minds of so many, whether they want to admit it or not. Some of the men speaking out are trying to appease their wives or pastors.

Regarding truth number 2, notice that while Playgirl and similar offerings became a thing, their popularity was only a tiny fraction of that of Playboy, and much of that interest came from homosexual men.

The critics, especially the religion-based ones, make it sound like Hefner was one of the worst things that ever happened to the world, because his magazine and associated media had young, beautiful, nude women and because he surrounded himself with young, beautiful women. He did far more damage with some of his political involvements and some of the messages conveyed in text, but people want to focus on the fact that his magazine featured women in their birthday suits.

Do the critics really think that if Hugh Hefner never existed, media, and society in general, wouldn’t be like it is today? While critics and fans alike try to paint Hefner as a pioneering pornographer, if he hadn’t done it, someone else would have. He saw a demand and cultural trends, and he capitalized on them.

Below are some of the reactions published online in response to Hefner’s death.

Video Games, Employment, and Marriage

Matt Walsh posted this Daily Wire story by Paul Bois to knock men for supposedly "playing video games instead of finding jobs"/

A new study shows that young males would rather sit on their rears while playing "Grand Theft Auto" than look for long, steady work.

Oh really now?

According to research from economists from Princeton, the University of Rochester and the University of Chicago, non-college educated men are rejecting full-time employment and spending as much as 40 hours a week playing video games.

I'm sure there are some who did this. But how many have been looking hard for work, aren't finding it, and are enjoying a little entertainment with their free time? What are those guys supposed to do? Oh, I know... they're supposed to be lackeys to women.

​The University of Chicago's Erik Hurst, an economist at the Booth School of Business, confirms that happiness, at least for now, has gone up among this group of people.

This is when the misandrists say that happiness shouldn't be a goal.

Why Health Matters in Relationships - Part 2

In the first installment from a couple of years ago, I wrote about why health matters in relationships, and a small part of what I wrote was this:

The kids. What genetic problems have our kids inherited, including mental illness? What did her conditions and the medications do during her pregnancies? Our kids are not lacking in their appearances and they are highly intelligent, but I'm bracing for mental illness to be diagnosed and when their behavior is problematic I wonder if they've been impacted by medication. My wife could no longer physically control the kids from an early age so discipline became a problem. Also, the kids literally watched their mother lose touch with reality and behave in ways that they'll probably be talking about in therapy for the rest of their lives.

Since then, the fit has really hit the shan, bigly.

Someone Please Call and Ask This

I want to hear a call like this to Dave Ramsey or any conservative and/or business/financial commentator who will answer questions/give advice through call-in show. Dave Ramsey is ideal because he gives financial advice and is popular in conservative religious circles:

I want to know your thoughts about this pending deal because I’m getting cold feet.

I have a friend with whom I’ve had what amounts to a weekend hobby for a few years. We often get together a couple of nights in a week, too. My buddy wants to take it to the next level, though, with papers and everything. He wants to form a partnership and register it with the state.

Although there’s nothing in the written contract that penalizes either of us for working with others, my potential partner expects I will put all of time and resources into the partnership, and said there'd be Hell to pay if I even thought of doing a side project with someone else and the partnership would be over.

With the people who've prepared like we have, who hire a consultant like we have, there's about a 40% failure rate of these ventures. Failure would mean not only would half of the assets go to my partner, but I would have to pay my partner’s attorney fees, and I would be obligated to pay money to my partner based on the length of the partnership; if the partnership had lasted ten years or more, I’d be making payments in perpetuity.

There is the possibility that products would be created within the partnership that could be liabilities and financial drains for 18-25 years; I would be expected to cover those costs, including more than necessary if manage to earn a high income. There is a possibility, but by no means a certainty, that the products will provide me with some nominal income late in my life.

Even though there is an expectation that we would not work outside of the partnership, many people who’ve entered into these agreements have done that anyway, and like I said, there is no penalty for doing so. If my partner incurs a liability with someone else, I would be obligated to pay for it for 18-25 years.

Finally, my partner has indicated that soon into the partnership, I will be the person solely responsible for bringing in revenue; my partner plans to provide intangible contributions, such as encouragement, but would not be penalized at all for not doing so. Even without bringing in any revenue, my partner would still get at least half of the assets in the event the partnership ended.

Do you think this is a good deal for me?

Of course those of you who read this blog know exactly what I'm talking about. From a purely financial perspective, it would be insane to tell someone this is a good partnership to enter.

Revisiting My Series on the Claim Married Men Get More Sex

[Bumped up from December 2016] I wrote a seven-part series for this blog that ran in February and March of 2010. A lot has happened since then. I have done more reflection, I've had significant life experiences since then, I have learned much more about my wife, and so I thought it would be a good time to revisit what I wrote back then.

From Part One:

We've been having quick, rather vanilla/repetitive/almost clinical, once-a-week, mostly one-sided sessions for quite a while now, usually involving her waking me up from a dead sleep (I don't get enough sleep as it is), though not as creatively as she could. That means we've been doing it 4-5 times a month (and usually not taking her to climax, which I really, really like doing). There's no way we've averaged 9.94 times a month when considering the whole marriage.
Verdict: I am currently one of the people who can say I got more sex while unmarried than married.

Geez, I thought I had it bad then. It's been more like once every three weeks now, although my wife has just agreed to try to get it up to three times per week. The problem is, after everything that's happened and the things she's said repeatedly, including recently, and done, it is difficult for me to be turned on to her. Sex is a burden and chore for her and she deliberately avoids orgasms except for rare times. Yes, I'm still physically attracted to her and want to enjoy her body and treat her well, but treating her well seems to be leaving her alone, and emotionally it's a mess. Like just about every other plan to which she agrees, the plan to at least make out more often will probably be dropped quickly.