Weddings Don’t Have to Mean Debt

Andrea Chang of the Los Angeles Times wrote an article about keeping wedding costs down.

Wedding costs can be outrageous. Every dollar spent on the wedding is more than a dollar that you won’t have down the road during the marriage – to spend on a home, or a car, or education, or retirement, or medical care, or insurance, or a vacation.

A typical bride-to-be, Katrina Macrae has bought a dress, browsed different varieties of flowers and settled on a date and location for her April nuptials.

But her bridal gown is actually an ivory-colored prom dress that she picked up for $160. The flowers will be purchased wholesale from the flower district in downtown Los Angeles the day before the wedding. And she's getting married to her fiance, Scott Smith, on a Sunday, when location fees are usually cheaper.

My wife also found in inexpensive – but very beautiful – dress, and got the flowers wholesale.

At a time when the average wedding costs about $30,000, Macrae, of Redondo Beach, plans to spend $8,000.

$30,000 – and that’s for average. That’s probably taking into account those quickie civil ceremonies. Some people spend much more than $30,000 on the flowers alone. Ridiculous. We beat the average, thankfully, and still had the wedding in a beautiful church on a Saturday.

Then, in April, she was laid off from her job at an architectural firm because of the cooling housing market, and Turner said she realized more than ever that a wedding shouldn't mean "starting your life off with debt."

That is true even in an economic boom.

And when Turner learned she'd have to fork over $4.25 per guest for a cake-cutting fee, she scrapped plans for a wedding cake and ordered cupcakes.

Good for her! I attended a wedding where the bride and groom had a small cake of their own, and everyone else got some of several sheet cakes from Costco. Good move.

There’s a paradox in our current culture that has elevated weddings while degrading marriage. The wedding day has always been the bride’s big day (you don’t see Modern Groom magazine on many coffee tables, do you?), and so the tradition that her parents pay for the wedding made some sense. Now, as people have their weddings later in life, they tend to pay more for their own. Since women tend to marry men who earn more than they do, what this really means is that the groom is paying for the bride’s party. Her day to wear an expensive dress she’ll never wear again. Her day to be the center of attention. Her day to have flowers everywhere, that will die in mere days. Plus to even get there, he has to buy her an expensive diamond and gold ring.

We’ve turned weddings into an excuse to throw parties and get gifts and then go on a vacation.

And then there are weddings where I have to wonder why the groom is even bothering. If they are already shacking up, why, other than the parties and gifts, should they bother to get married? And get married in a church, no less? I know why some guys do this – they are afraid she’s going to leave without a wedding. The thing is, if they were shacking up for a while, chances are she’s going to leave anyway, or rather kick him out - or so the statistics would have us believe. Only post-wedding, he’ll be obligated to pay her alimony.

Let’s not forget the bachelorette parties, either, which, from what I understand, tend to get raunchier than bachelor parties. Why bother to get married if you value your intended so little that you’ll participate in some of those shenanigans? Just stay single and enjoy those shenanigans whenever you want to. I firmly asserted that I would not have stippers, "dancers", prostitutes, porn films, or any related stuff of that sort in my pre-wedding festivities, and despite prodding from some of the guys, I insisted on sticking to that.

We should celebrate marriage with nice weddings, but we should also celebrate marriage in other ways – like saving sex and living together for marriage. But how many of us do that? Attending a wedding used to mean pledging, as a witness, to support that covenant. It wasn't just a party and a meal.

Finally… since weddings are really about the bride, and since more often the groom is the one paying for it, I think most of these guys should see if they can get a pre-nup that will take the costs of the wedding – with interest – out of any money she gets in the event of a divorce – especially if she is the one who files for divorce. Not sure if such a stipulation would stick.

Please Stop Watching “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette”

Although I own shares of ABC’s parent company, I hereby urge everyone (which mostly means women) to stop watching “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette”. Isn’t it obvious now that, like other matchmaking “reality” shows, that the goal isn’t matching compatible people for lasting relationships? The goal is to get you to watch the show. That means participants and situations are going to be selected to be geared towards that, not towards developing an honorable relationship. With extreme rare exceptions (maybe no exceptions, actually), these kinds of shows have failed to produce a lasting relationship. Just about any other television show, reality or otherwise, has had a better track record than the modern matchmaking shows. The real goal of any of the pool of hopefuls is to stay on television as long as possible, not to find true love. How can you find true love with cameras and bright lights and a crew surrounding you whenever you are together?

Here’s E! Online Natalie Finn’s story on the latest with “The Bachelor”. Last I checked, E! is partially owned by ABC’s parent company, so this isn’t going to be hard-hitting journalism.

Recent Bachelorette reject Jason Mesnick, whose heart DeAnna Pappas passed over in her own second-time-around quest for love, has signed on to be the new
Bachelor when the ABC series returns in January 2009.

Ugh.

The hunky single dad from Seattle had been all primed to propose, ring and everything, when Pappas stopped him from getting down on one knee, leaving him—and plenty of viewers—crushed.

He’s a divorced dad. He shouldn’t be dating. Much less on TV. He should be concentrating on raising his child.

Instead, she opted for 26-year-old snowboarder Jesse Csincsak.

And how is that working out? You can keep track of this sort of thing on Wikipedia.

Now Mesnick gets another shot at making the perfect match. The hunt is on for 25 ladies willing to bare their hearts, souls and, in some cases, claws on national TV.

And be portrayed as the producers/editors choose. Actually many of them are struggling/hopeful actresses anyway, and they will act on the show.

The logistics are still being hammered out, but Chris Harrison, who hosts both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, told iFilm.com during the recent Television Critics Association press tour that Mesnick's 3-year-old son, Ty, "would have to take center stage."

Great. Let’s screw up this kid as much as possible.

“If they look for the right people [to cast], anything is possible."

Hey, buddy, they aren’t going to cast people who are fundamentally compatible with you – at least not for the most part. They are going to cast a wide variety of attractive women based on their ability to fill archetypes, stereotypes, and entertain the audience.

Sexism Holding Career Women Back?

If I was a bettin’ man, I’d wager that Tom Leykis will talk about this one on his show today – provided it isn’t a tape or the time isn’t taken up with some comedian plugging an upcoming gig.

Women are their own workplace enemies when it comes to cracking the glass ceiling, with an international study finding they are less likely to promote themselves and network than their male counterparts.

Surprise, surprise!

I have worked in places where my boss was female and most of my coworkers were female. Many of my coworkers confided that they prefer male bosses.

The 2008 study, part of U.S. behavioral scientist Shannon L. Goodson's new book "The Psychology of Sales Call Reluctance," compared almost 11,500 professional women with 16,700 men from 34 countries.

Sounds extensive.

Goodson said professional women in Britain, the United States and China were more likely to promote their interests, whereas women in New Zealand and Sweden are the most timid, followed by Australian and Canadian women.

But overall, women were not doing enough to advance their own careers, she said in a statement.

For both men and women other priorities often interfere with career advancement. However, the fact is, men don’t get pregnant and they don’t nurse. They also don't take time off because of a bad period.

"Being able to draw attention to your contributions and competencies at work has become an important part of modern career management, and it is something most women are still unwilling or unable to do as consistently as their male counterparts," she added.

Sometimes, you have to be aggressive. Plus men, as the sexual pursuers through most of history and across cultures, have had to market themselves. It is more likely to be in our system.

Goodson's research also found that women who had managed to climb up the
corporate ladder tended to "take the ladder with them," sometimes even sabotaging the chances of other female workers seeking promotion.

Sad, but true.

This part of the study, which was conducted mainly in the United States, revealed women executives may not be as encouraging or supportive of female staff.

I’ve heard that complaint.

"This led many women in the study to actually prefer male managers to female
managers, claiming men are more consistent and fair-minded than women," Goodson added.

If a man said this he’d be savaged as a sexist pig. But denying reality impedes progress.

I’m glad that feminism gave women some real choices. But the feminists who tried to convince women that they could have it all were not being honest. The fact is, you must make choices. You won’t be able to take every opportunity before you. Men who want to ascend to the top of the business world need to be cautious about marrying and starting a family, and this is even more true for women. Women who want to scale those heights need to market themselves and sometimes be aggressive. And it looks like it might help to get a male boss.

More Marriage Fun in Dear Abby

PRACTICAL IN DENVER, who “despises” wearing rings, yet plans to get engaged, wrote:

I have an expensive heirloom ring I would gladly give to my lady if she'd keep it in the safe deposit box where it belongs. I don't want to insure it, deal with it if she loses it, or know I caused her to be injured if a thug tried to steal it. If I give it to her, she'll want to wear it.

I wonder if this guy even has a good reason for proposing? While their obvious disagreement over wearing jewelry should not be a dealbreaker, I do have to wonder if this guy has stepped back to take a look at the larger picture.

She doesn't need an ornament to prove she's special or loved.

No, she doesn’t. Come to think of it, I can’t recall a good explanation for why a man who does want to get married should buy an engagement ring for a woman. Don’t pull out the “tradition” card unless you are consistent about sticking to tradition. Life has changed. Women can vote now. They own their own property, earn their own money, and have their own authority. So why is a man supposed to spend thousands of dollars on a ring? Wouldn’t that money be better served building a life together?

I'd rather give her an annuity or something useful.

Not a bad idea.

I feel the same when I see rings in the workplace and socially. Why not just duct-tape a $1,000 bill to your forehead if you want to call attention to yourself?

It’s called “pretend”. We’ve pretended that gold and diamonds are classy in a way that wearing cash isn’t.

He should keep the heirloom, and if he’s going to give her a ring, it should be a new one.

Dear Abby responded:

Before you pop the question, be absolutely sure you and your lady have a meeting of the minds on this subject.

Sounds like a good idea.

Candidly, from the tone of your letter you come across as rigid, opinionated and controlling.

Of course! A man who doesn’t want to blow thousands of dollars on a ring for someone else is controlling. Any man who doesn’t allow women to run his life is controlling.

While you are entitled to your biases, if you marry an "intelligent and productive working woman," she should be able to decide for herself what kind of jewelry is appropriate.

She sure can. She can also buy it herself.

Also, I find it sad that you would rather keep an expensive heirloom ring hidden in a safety deposit box than have your lady enjoy it -- presuming, of course, that it's her taste and she WOULD enjoy wearing it.

And assuming, that the laws of his state and the practicalities of the courts there make it reasonably certain he would get the ring back without penalty if she decided to commit adultery and file for divorce.

TROUBLED IN TORONTO wrote in:

I'm a divorcee, dating a man I'll call "Jack," who has been separated from his wife for three years. We've known each other two years and have been intimate for 11 months now.

So you are fornicating with a married man.

Jack's daughter is being married in Mexico in two months. I have met both his adult children; they seem happy he is finally in a relationship. The problem is, Jack hasn't invited me to the wedding.

Fornicating with someone does not make you part of the family.

Jack attended my son's wedding with me last summer. It was 1,500 miles away. I had no problem taking him there.

You were free to make that choice. He is free to make his. You are free to stop fornicating with him. Although it does seem strange to take a married man with whom you are fornicating to a wedding. I mean, why celebrate marriage if you don't actually respect marriage and see a difference between someone being married and someone no longer being married?

Jack says he isn't divorced because he doesn't want to "pay the cost" of one -- although he does have a separation agreement.

I know a lot of women scoff at that, but divorce is costly for men.

I suspect he wants to avoid the stress of revealing our relationship to his former wife, who left him after 25 years of marriage.

Or maybe you are more of a booty call? Or maybe his daughter doesn’t want you there? Maybe he is hoping his wife will come back? Maybe it is all of the above?

Prostitution?

W. Tom Foster of Santa Ana, California, wrote in to the Orange County Register:

So we are paying multiple members of the law-enforcement community upward of $100,000 per year to cruise the Internet hunting down persons who wish to engage in sexual activity for money ["Prostitution fight hits Web," Local, Aug. 17].

Why hasn't Heather Mills, the ex-wife of Paul McCartney, been arrested? I guess charging $50 million for a few years of promised sexual activity doesn't count.

Don’t forget Phil Collins’ third wife. How many songs did she write or perform again? Why does she deserve all of that money? Oh, that’s right. She was clever enough to marry a man without an effective pre-nup.

I can understand why people don't want hookers walking Harbor Boulevard, but two people meeting over the Internet and making arrangements to go to a motel
doesn't seem all that bad to me – especially when we have gangs and illegal drug
users robbing people and desecrating our cities with spray paint.

Well, we can always come up with hierarchy of crime and say that we shouldn’t be committing resources to X, Y, or Z as long as there are murders being committed, But I do find myself leaning to and fro on the fence about prostitution. I defy anyone to present an objective difference between most present-day dating and prostitution. Why is chatting online and agreeing to have sex and that one person will give money to another any different from agreeing to have sex after one pays for dinner for another?

As long as our laws and courts say that sexual activity between consenting adults is a private matter and can’t be criminalized (uh, except if they are related, or work together, or any number of exceptions), then I find it hard to see why this activity should be illegal. Streetwalking is a different story. A public street is owned by the people and the people can collectively decide whether or not to allow that. When a road is private, it should up to the owner of the road.

Again, I believe sex is for marriage and that all sex outside of marriage is wrong. Whether or not it should be illegal is a different matter.

Good Work, Tom

Tom Leykis helps snag a possible murderer. Read about it here.

When He Calls Off the Wedding

There was a caller to Dr. Laura today whose ex-fiancé called off their wedding two months out. He gave many reasons, any one of which should have been enough to show that he didn’t want to get married. At least not then. At least not to her. Dr. Laura pointed out to the caller that she should be happy that he called off the wedding when he did instead of waiting until after they were married and expecting a child to reveal that he didn’t want to be married.

The caller was emotional, no doubt in part to the fact that she had started seeing him again – which I’m sure means that they were fornicating, only now he didn’t have to face a wedding and marriage.

When a guy calls off a wedding, it often comes as a complete surprise to the woman who was expecting to be a bride. That’s because, especially that close to the wedding, she is so wrapped up in planning her party, her big day, that she will ignore any of the clues.

Why do men call off weddings? I’ve never called off a wedding that had a date set. I was once "engaged" to a woman who kept breaking up with me and kept handing back the engagement ring and then kept coming back to me and insisting that we simply resume like nothing had happened. Yeah, I was ridiculous back then to put up with that at all, but I had it in my head that you were supposed to make a relationships work. I didn’t yet realize that 1) not all people who were somewhat compatible in their outlook on life are meant to be together, and 2) there was nothing wrong with being single and that it was preferable at that age. Fortunately, I smartened up enough to decide that I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than take her back yet again, and I made it stick. Having been through that, having gone through a wedding myself, and having a Y chromosome, I have something to say about why men call off weddings.

A man calls off weddings because:

He’s realized he doesn’t want to get married
-to you
-yet
-at all

Maybe he never wanted to get married to begin with. Maybe he proposed marriage or agreed to get married because he felt obligated because 1) you got pregnant; 2) you’re shacking up or at least fornicating; 3) he’s getting something from you like a job through your dad or your cooking and cleaning services; 4) his family was pressuring him.

But maybe that wasn’t the case. Either way, let’s look at the possibilities.

He doesn’t want to get married to you. You may not believe that because he was willing to fornicate with you, but men will stick their penises in knotholes on 2x4s. You may not believe it because he was shacking up with you. But shacking up is different than marriage. So is dating you for a really long time. Men don't grow up dreaming about their wedding day the same way women do.

But even if he, at one time, genuinely wanted to get married to you, that could have changed.

Why? Maybe it is because he’s learned more about you and your family – more of the flaws and baggage and shortcomings and personality differences, how you behave under stress or pressure, and he’s decided he can’t handle it, or at least doesn’t want to deal with it. Maybe as you started to taste the power you would have as a wife, your true nature started to reveal itself and he didn’t like he saw. Let’s face it – when a man gets married in today’s society, he’s forfeiting a lot of his power over himself – legally and socially. He’s forming a corporation with you, and if you should decide to break it up, he will lose half of everything that corporation earned, which more often means what he earned. A man may grow uncomfortable forfeiting his power and autonomy and earnings to a woman who has already started to show a pre-occupation with her own wants and willful ignorance of his needs. Ideally, a woman is also giving up her autonomy when she marries, but there’s nothing in the law that can enforce that, and a husband risks getting branded as "controlling" if he expects his wife not to behave like an unmarried woman.

He doesn’t want to get married yet. Circumstances may have changed – jobs, earnings, bills, health, whatever. He’s realized that he isn’t - or is no longer - in a position to take on the responsibilities of being a husband.

He doesn’t want to get married at all. Some men don’t realize this until marriage looms close and they suddenly realize what marriage means in today’s society. With community property and no-fault divorce laws, the only thing a state-licensed marriage guarantees is: 1) the spouse who earns more will have to pay the other spouse in the event of divorce; 2) any child born to the wife will be considered the husband’s by default. State-licensed marriage also tends to mean that a stepchild living in the marital home will be entitled to child support from the stepparent in the event of a divorce. These things usually work against men.

Is there anything a woman who wants to be wife can do to reduce the chances of having her wedding called off (or, for that matter, reduce her changes of divorce)? Yes.

Realize that your vagina is not magic. Using it or thinking about it (if you are holding out) will not make a man who doesn’t want to get married, or married yet, or married to you change his mind. If you have been dating for four years and you’re not married yet – chances are, he doesn’t really want to get married. It’s different if one or both of you is still in school, but in that case you should be seeing other people or nobody at all anyway.

Don’t pressure or nag a man to propose. If a man wants to marry you and he is ready to be a husband, he will propose on his own. It is perfectly fine saying on or before the first date (or on a second date or whatever) that you are dating to find a spouse. It is also fine to say at any time during the dating that you do not plan on living with or having sex with any man who is not your husband… or anything else you won’t be doing until you are married. But do not nag or pressure.

Don’t get pregnant hoping that will get him to marry you or will fix problems in a marriage.

Do not accept a marriage proposal too quickly into the relationship – most likely, something is amiss if he proposes too fast.

Save sex for marriage, then give him enthusiastic, passionate, or playful sex any time he wants it. Hey, I know this advice will not be followed by most women, but it works. A corollary to this is: do not shack up – wait until you are married to live together. If you are fornicating, and especially if you are shacking up, he has less motivation to marry you, and you may want to get married and he may agree to even if you are not the right spouses for each other because you have formed these bonds.

Make him glad you are getting married, and then glad he married you. You do this by paying attention to his needs, and that includes not letting yourself fall apart. If you picked the right man, he will pay attention to your needs. Deal with your major problems or challenges before committing – such as establishing yourself, paying off debt, getting your head shrunk, settling deadly vendettas, serving your prison time, etc.

Only commit to someone who is compatible with you in the most important areas of life, such as major goals, existing and desired lifestyle, worldview, and personality. This should be basic, but too many people, especially women, come up with this play in their heads and "cast" someone to fill the role of their romantic lead, ignoring that the real person does not match the "scripted" role.

Get pre-marital counseling with clergy or through your church (or equivalent), or with a family-minded licensed therapist. Strongly consider legal and financial counseling, including a pre-nuptial agreement that spells out expectations and conditions. The state already has a pre-nup for you – you might as well have one to which both of you agree, even if you don’t have any significant assets – yet. It is also a good thing to meet as a couple with your respective doctors so that any medical conditions that either of you have and their ramifications are discussed. Surprises and secrets in these areas are almost never a good thing.

So there you have it. You can completely ignore my advice if you’d like. Goodness knows, I didn’t know all of this before I got married, and so I definitely didn’t stick to all of this.

Dear Margo Advises Catholic Guy About His Dating

HEARTSICK recently wrote in to Dear Margo:

I am a 23-year-old Catholic male. The last serious relationship I was in ended when I was 17.

That wasn’t really a serious relationship. It only felt like it to you.

Even though we dated for three years, we never went "all the way."

Good for you.

Now I am intimidated by women who have more sexual history than I do.

Intimidated? Is that the right word? You should only be intimidated if they are
assaulting you.

I have always believed that one sexual partner for one's entire life is the ideal.

You mean you believe in line with your religion? Wow. Imagine that.

Here comes the fun part.

Recently, a 20-year-old woman whom I care for deeply told me in explicit detail about a sexual experience she had with a 45-year-old man she met on the Internet.

RED FLAGS! (And there’s that “met on the Internet” thing again. It is completely irrelevant. It is like saying “met in a library”. Come to think of it, he might be in the "friend" category for her anyway, making this whole thing pointless.)

She did not mean to have sex with him, she told me, and the circumstances as she explained them sounded like borderline rape.

Hmmmm. So she thought a 45-year-old man simply found her, a 20-year-old, so fascinating and insightful, that he just had to meet her in person, in private? Hey, I speak from experience - when a 45 year old you met online wants to spend time with you and you are 20, they want sex; even if the sexes are reversed. (No, I'm nowhere near 45. You figure it out.)

Okay – let’s go over the possibilities here:

1) She was naïve and showed very poor judgment and wanted to get her ego stroked so badly that she put herself in a very bad situation and was raped. I do not excuse rape, just like I do not excuse grand theft auto, but I think someone who leaves the keys in the ignition and the car door open and unattended is still an idiot.

2) She is not telling you the truth or telling it wholly or accurately. This could be because she doesn’t want to take responsibility for her own actions, so she could be recasting her fornication as rape.

3) She attracts “dangerous” men.

Do you want to be with a woman like that? At the very least, she isn’t ready to be in a healthy relationship. Actually, at 23, you probably have some more time to go before you see someone exclusively anyway. You should be out dating various women so you can be sure to develop a good idea of what kind of woman you enjoy spending time with. Wish someone would have told me that when I was 23.

Think about this – if this woman engaged willingly in fornication with this guy and then later recasts it as rape, she is more likely to do the same with you. False rape accusations are nothing to take lightly.

However, if she was raped, you can hardly call this “sexual experience”. And if she was raped, she should turn that guy in to law enforcement.

I am afraid that if I stay involved with her, the knowledge of that experience will eat away at me.

Leave now. If she was raped, she doesn’t need someone like you adding to her troubles. If she simply had sex she claims to regret, it will still bother you. Either way, it is best to move on.

Doesn’t the Roman Catholic Church have all sorts of people for this guy to turn to for advice in situations like this? It seems to me that writing in to Dear Margo is fishing for getting the exact answer he wants to hear.

Dear Margo responded:

I encourage you to move away from your instinct to "fully understand" or to find and punish this man.

Move away altogether.

It would be a shame to end the relationship because of something basically out of this woman's control.

Would it really? Should everyone volunteer to subject themselves to a relationship with someone with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? We’re not talking a married couple where one spouse gets traumatized. We’re talking about a new dating situation. If he doesn’t want to knowingly enter in to a new relationship with someone who has PTSD, that is his choice and certainly understandable.

Because you say you are intimidated by women more experienced than you are, perhaps a few sessions with a mental health professional will help you over this hurdle.

Be sure to pick a solid Catholic, or at least Biblical counselor. Otherwise, you’ll get someone who will tell you that the solution is to fornicate a lot. Or, you could stick to women who don’t have more “experience” than you. There’s nothing wrong with that. But make no mistake: If someone is raped, that does not mean something is wrong with them or they are sexually impure.

Checking in on Dear Abby Again

More often then not, I see stuff in advice columns that I want to discuss here. But I run out of time. Couldn’t let this one slip.

LOST IN THE BIG CITY wrote in to Dear Abby:

Nine months ago, my wife, "Marie," left to go shopping and never came back. She took off leaving me and our three sons, ages 12, 14 and 16, without a word.

Wow, that’s very irresponsible of a spouse and parent.

We had been married 25 years.

Which means in a lot of places, she could file for divorce and live off alimony for the rest of her life. Yeah, that's justice.

We had no contact for the first three months, and she has not helped support the kids in any way. She told no one -- including her family -- that she had left.

Sounds like she has a problem with communication.

Marie has recently started talking about coming home, but I have mixed feelings. I asked why she left. She said she was unhappy and tired of living a lie. What lie? Marie refuses to elaborate.

She might expect you to read her mind, and be insulted that you are unaware of her pain and suffering.

Two of our sons don't want her back.

They don’t really get a say. They are minor children. The parents run the home.

They felt abandoned when she disappeared.

They were abandoned by her!

Dear Abby responded:

Under the circumstances, I'd say the feelings you and the boys are experiencing are normal. However, all of you need to come to terms with why your wife and their mother walked out so abruptly. Before she returns, it is important that you understand why she felt that leaving the way she did was her only option.

There is some truth to this. It would be helpful for the husband to figure out what went wrong and what his part was in it – even it was nothing more than choosing the wrong woman to marry and make three children with. He could have been an excellent husband for 25 years, but if he picked the wrong woman, this kind of thing could happen anyway.

HOWEVER, can anyone imagine this would be Dear Abby’s response if it was a wife writing about her husband having left and wanting to come back, but not confessing what he did and why? Regardless of gender, the unhappy spouse should explain the reason for their unhappiness, unless it is something that can’t be changed or was previously mutually accepted as part of their lives. The spouse/parent who bailed out so irresponsibly should confess their error, repent of it, beg forgiveness, and get help. The abandoned spouse should try to determine if there was anything reasonable that they could have done differently, but not excuse the desertion.

The entire family needs counseling together.

The husband should also look into having her sign a post-nuptial agreement and some other paperwork that will protect the rest of the family should she decide to leave again. I doubt that he can legally prevent her from moving back in, which means he probably has no leverage to get her to sign such paperwork, but he should definitely consult with an attorney anyway.

Parents With Minor Children Should Not Date

I know the divorce rate is high, even among groups that consider marriage to be sacred lifelong commitments. I know there are many people who’ve become parents out of wedlock. And I also realize that most people continually seek companionship in the romantic sense, so I know that my position that people with minor children should be focusing on them instead of dating/marrying a new person isn’t a popular one. Yes, there are some great stepparents out there.

But I think it is impossible to really separate your marriage from your children. If your children are from a previous marriage, they may think of a re-marriage as a rejection of them, despite what you tell them, especially if their other parent it still around. They may also feel this way if it has just been you and kid(s) for a while. Is it good for kids to have a role-model from the other gender around? Yes, it is. But that can be somewhat fulfilled with other relationships - your siblings, your parents, a coach, etc.

A new spouse will mean that less of your time and energy can go to your kids. If that spouse has children of their own already, it is unlikely that all of the children are going to be treated equally. If you have more children with that new spouse, it becomes even more of an issue with uneven treatment, jealousy, rejection, and competition. You can’t expect your minor children to handle these things like adults. They aren’t adults, and growing up is hard enough without added chaos.

Second marriages after divorce are even more likely than first marriages to end in divorce, and third marriages… well you get the idea. That brings more drama and turmoil to the children. If the person you made the child with was a bad partner or parent, you may be bad at picking partners. It’s somewhat different in the case of most widows and widowers, provided the deceased wasn’t self-destructive.

And while it may be that only a small minority of stepparents are abusers, the likelihood of a child being abused is higher with a stepparent. Even more so with a “live-in” unmarried partner. Also, the process of finding that new partner exposes you to abuse, assault and infection, and your child to an increased likelihood of abuse, as we see all of the time in the news. That is time and energy you should be spending with your child anyway. Your child is living without their mother or father, at least in your home.

Men who have options and are desirable partners, men who really think through things, and who don’t have reason to believe they are sterile yet they want to be fathers, are more likely to prefer women who do not have minor children, for any number of reasons. The exception would be… pedophiles. Yes, there have been good, desirable men who fell in love with and married women with children, but most guys like that did so despite the fact that she had children, or they really didn’t think it through.

Men who are only interested in sex and do not want a serious relationship prefer their women available and cheap, and a woman with minor children is less likely to be free for sex (especially at her place - or, she shouldn't be fornicating with casual partners in front of the kids), is more likely to be looking for an emotional and financial provider, or at least will expect the man to pay for a babysitter or meals and entertainment for her child(ren) as well as her. Also, that she already has a child is taken as a sign that she will either not use contraception effectively, or will go ahead and have the child if she gets pregnant – which is not what hedonistic men want. But you may not want to date guys like that anyway.

But even desirable men looking for a wife would prefer not to have minor children of hers as part of the picture. It make a carefree “honeymoon period” less likely and it brings all sorts of complications, hassles, and expenses. It may mean dealing with the father(s) of the child(ren), constant reminders of your past loves or sex partners - and if you subscribe to the modern theories of evolution or otherwise compare man to animals, the man is likely to resent raising another male’s offspring.

So, to put it another way, men who date women with minor children tend to have one or more of the following characteristics:
--Are pedophiles or otherwise abusers.
--Have an unhealthy desire to “rescue” someone.
--Care less about the turmoil this will bring to the woman’s children or their own than they care about their own needs and wants, or don't understand child development.
--Are unable to attract and sustain a relationship with a woman who doesn’t have children.*
--Don’t think through important choices in their life.
--Are unable to father children of their own and want to raise children.

Now, the ideal would be the last one and the last one only, but that’s rare.

(* Think of it this way, ladies... if you could fall in love with and marry two men who were equal in just about every way, except that one earned less and would always earn less than the other, which one would you choose? You would choose the one who earned more... unless he didn't want you and you had no other option but the man who earned less. Well, it is the same way with men and whether or not a woman is a mother to minor children. All other things being equal, he's going to prefer a woman without the minor child... but if he can't attract her, he's going to have to settle for the one with the child.)

Much of what I wrote also applies to women dating a man with a minor child. He should be focusing on raising that child, not dating women who are likely to come in and out of the child’s life. Plus, if a man is paying child support... guess what happens when you marry him? The mother of that child can get the child support increased based on YOUR income. Basically, that will mean you have worked so that some other woman can buy more expensive shoes for herself.

Is the notion of not dating until your youngest child is 18 a fun one? No. I pray that I’m never in that situation. But that should be part of the decision you make when you go ahead and make a child with someone. And maybe, just maybe, if you stick to the idea that a divorce will mean no dating/romance until that youngest child is 18, you will stick it out in your marriage and make it work. Because your marriage isn't just about you. It is about your kids, too.

Dating while raising children exposes the children to unnecessary turmoil and abuse, when they need even more of your attention and devotion. “The Brady Bunch” was not typical of reality.

Scaring a New Guy Away

I love the dating advice that shows up online from professional advisors. Some of what is written about men is spot-on. Sometimes, it is ridiculous. In this entry I want to discuss this current advice from David Wygant on Yahoo! Personals titled: Six Dating Behaviors That Scare Single Men Away

1. Trash-talking your ex.

Especially if you fornicated with him. You know what that says to the new guy? “I have sex with jerks, and I don’t stalk them afterwards.” That encourages the wrong kind of guy, if you are looking for a relationship.

Your ex is somebody you dated, invited into your life, and with whom you spent a lot of time.

So there must have been something about him that attracted you.

So don't talk negatively about your ex in any way, because what a guy thinks when you do this is that if he ever becomes your ex that you're going to trash-talk him the same way.

Yes, but I do want to disagree a little. It is okay to, once or twice, mention what you didn’t like about your ex. It helps explain why you’re not still with that person. If a guy is looking for a relationship and he knows he has those same qualities, maybe he will break it off and stop wasting your time. Or, it can be reassuring to know that you recognized those negatives and didn’t put up with them, and you are now with a guy who doesn’t have that negatives.

2. Paranoia Runs Rampant.

He’s definitely right about this one. Read the whole thing. Live it. I can vouch from experience that it is no fun at all being with someone who is paranoid. Why do you care so much? If a guy is going to do things he shouldn’t, being paranoid is not going to stop him. If you can’t trust him, don’t be in a relationship with him.

3. Trash-talking other women.

He gets that one right, too. And often, women who do this point out things men don’t really care about. "Look at that! That color is all wrong for her." We don't care.

4. Fishing for compliments.

Yes, knock that off.

5. Clingy and possessive. You don't need to do everything together.

Yes, yes, yes. See #2.

6. Pushing friends on him.

Definitely. He knows what you're up to. You are getting your friends to judge him or using him to try to impress your friends or make someone jealous. Be patient.

We don't want to be "the boyfriend" right away.

Or sometimes, not at all. Some guys just want the sex or company. The only reason a man should be the boyfriend is if he wants to get married now and is ready to get married now (25 or older, established, has achieved his dream, is saving for the future).

The writer presents these as rules for the first month or two, but they should be observed for the rest of the relationship.

Other ways to scare men away early on: wedding magazines on your coffee table; dragging him into a jewelry shop; saying “I told my family all about you!”; always ordering the most expensive thing on the menu (even if you pay); talking about how L. Ron Hubbard changed your life; starting every sentence with “Oprah says…”; showing him your tattoo of Sarah Jessica Parker; kissing your dog on the lips…

One Example of Where Most Husbands Can Do Better

Men often fail to be sensitive enough to the feelings of their wives. It is too easy for a man to think, “Well I don’t feel that way, so neither should you,” or to cite some fact that counters the feelings.

But someone’s feelings are their own, and may or may not be based on something rational. As a husband, I think we could reduce a lot of marital strife if we 1) honor her feelings by listening and being observant; 2) acknowledging her feelings when she tells us about them; 3) talking about if there is anything reasonable we can do about the feelings; 4) doing what we can, as long as it is right.

A woman’s intuition can often catch things that we have failed to objectively ascertain - such as the character flaws of an individual.

There is a reason God made men and women different. Both masculinity and femininity have important contributions to life and relationships.

Men who can’t handle this should remain unmarried.

None of what I wrote means that women should go to their husbands to endlessly complain about things he can’t change, or she doesn’t want him to change or fix. And it also helps if the wife makes it clear whether she wants simply a listening ear to which she can vent, or if she’s looking for an actual solution from him - he's not a mind reader.

Women Need to Save More (So Do Men)

Big news, brought to us by Associated Press writer Candice Choi. Women, who live longer than men (where is the outcry of sexism?), aren’t saving up enough for those golden years.

They invest more conservatively, start saving later and are more likely to be in and out of the work force, according to a study released Wednesday by Hewitt Associates, a human resources consulting firm.

The first two factors are behavioral choices made by women exercising their freedoms, and women should voluntarily address those. As for the third factor - the only reason women, in general, should be “in and out of the work force” should be for childrearing. And the only way they should be raising children is within a marriage. “Yes, but husbands leave or die,” say the women who advocate letting other people “raise” your child. That’s why women should insist in pre-nups, saving and insurance, and assist their man in staying healthy. See how conservative values work together? Choosing your husband wisely and treating him well will almost elminate the possibililty of him dumping you.

At any rate, someone will propose a government program to correct this “inequality”, I’m sure, when no government program is necessary. Or someone will bring out the tired line the women earn less than men, which isn’t true when you compare men and women doing the same kind, level, quality, and quantity of work.

The importance of saving didn't dawn on Jerre Laughlin until she was in her 40s and started working in human resources.

What was she doing until then? Spending money on shoes, purses, and trips to Cancun, figuring a fiscally responsible man would swoop in and marry her? Or counting on Big Brother?

"Women tend to be a little more risk averse, more fearful of losing money," said Alison Borland, an author of the study.

Heck, even if they saved regularly to a basic interest-bearing bank account or even stuffed money regularly into their mattress, they’d be better off than spending the money on beverages and jewelry.

Not surprisingly, the study states 90 percent of women were unsure about managing their finances.

There are, after all, no classes in offered, no cable networks, books, magazines, or newspapers that address personal finances, saving, and investing available to women, right?

Of course, many guys these days aren’t being smart about finances, either, including spending too much money on dates who earn their own money.

Overall, four out of five men and women aren't saving enough to keep up the same lifestyle after they stop working.

This is no surprise. People frequently spend more money than they need to.

Spend less money than you earn.

"Pay" yourself at least ten percent by diverting that portion of your income into savings and investments – IRAs, 401(k)s, etc., maxing out your employer’s match.

Save up for big purchases instead of financing (with the exception of a home) - do not buy anything with a credit card that you will not pay for before interest starts accruing.

Never use a "payday loan" unless your only alternative is borrowing from the mob.

Husbands: Discuss the finances and sound financial practices with your wife, who will likely outlive you. Fathers: Teach your daughter about money so she can be self-sufficient and choose to marry if the finds Mr. Right and won't feel compelled to marry or marry Mr. Wrong for the sake of his income. That will also make her less likely to vote socialist in hopes that Big Brother will take care of her.

News Flash: Men With ED Don’t Have Sex Often

Okay, so my headline is a little sarcastic. There’s a report out on a study suggesting that an active sex life in older men reduces the chances of ED.

It’s tempting, I’m sure, for older men to quote this to their wives who have been reluctant to engage in lovemaking. It might not be helpful, because if she doesn’t want to have sex to begin with, it might give her incentive to decrease the frequency even more hoping the man will get ED). Of course, anyone involved in research can tell you that correlation does not establish causation. How do we know that it wasn’t ED that led the men who had less sex to have less sex in the first place? Perhaps the things that caused ED (such as obesity) also turned off potential sexual partners. Or, in the case of women attracted to money – if a man has less testosterone and is therefore less aggressive or ambitious, he might find himself with ED and without a sexual partner – independent of each other, with both cause by the hormonal imbalance.

In a study that followed nearly 1,000 older Finnish men for five years, researchers found that those who were regularly having sex at the start of the study were at lower risk of developing erectile dysfunction (ED) by the study's end.

In fact, the more often the men had sex, the lower their ED risk.

The implication, say the researchers, is that men should be encouraged to stay sexually active into their golden years.

Hey, I don’t need any more encouragement.

Overall, those who said they had sex less than once per week were twice as likely to develop ED over the next five years as men who had sex at least once a week. Furthermore, compared with men who had sex three or more times per week, their ED risk was increased nearly four-fold.

A number of factors contribute to ED development, many of which could also affect a man's sexually activity -- such as age, diabetes and heart disease. However, after taking account of those factors, sexual activity itself remained linked to ED risk, Koskimaki's team found.

That’s key to making determinations.

It may be a matter of "use it or lose it," according to the researchers. Just as exercise boosts physical fitness, they note, regular sexual activity may help a man preserve his erectile function.

ED occurs when there are problems with blood flow to the penis. Regular sexual activity, Koskimaki's team writes, may help maintain healthy blood vessel function in the erectile tissue.

Sex is a form of exercise.

The news report doesn’t mention the marital and fidelity status of the participants, nor their masturbation frequency. The personal characteristics of a man’s wife just may have some correlation to whether or not he develops ED.

Along with what we know about prostate health, wives should take note: If you want a healthy husband, encourage him to have frequent erections and ejaculation. The best way to do this, of course, is to be his "girlfriend".

Marrying a Boy, Expecting a Man?

HOME ALONE IN WEST VIRGINIA wrote in to Dear Abby:

My husband of three years, "Mike," is never home.

Was he like this before you married? Did the two of you discuss your expectations about married life ahead of time?

He goes to work and then hangs out with his buddies,

I’ll assume this is not a once-in-a-while thing and is more like a typical day. If so, he shouldn’t be doing that. Why do you think he prefers being with his buddies all of the time instead of you? Is he gay? Why else would he not want to come home to an inviting place; spend time with his kind, loving, supportive, beautiful wife (including time in bed); and enjoy a home cooked meal? Or is he not getting any of those things when he is home?

leaving me at home with our baby and my two other children until late at night.

Ah. The picture becomes a little more clear. How have things been since the baby was born? Since you got pregnant? Was he agreeable and enthusiastic to having a child? He shouldn’t have dated a woman with minor children to begin with. And you shouldn’t have been dating - you should have been concentrating on raising the two children you already had. But what is done is done, and now you are writing into an advice column.

Most of the time he doesn't bother to call, but when he does I'm usually so mad I don't answer the phone.

Well that will be sure to encourage him to call more often, won’t it?

My friends say they think Mike has someone else. I'm not sure.

Well, are you meeting his needs? Did you choose your husband wisely?

This has been going on for a year and a half, and I am tired of it.

So, about the time you got pregnant?

Then the picture becomes a little more clear…

When he's home, all he does is play video games.

Abby, Mike is 34 years old. I am 41.

Hmmmm. Now, I have nothing women who date younger men. I enjoyed that arrangement more than once. Nor do I think it is wrong for a grown man to enjoy video games, even though I’m not a gamer. However, perhaps you married a man who was looking for mommy, or you have insisted on being his mommy? Why did you choose a younger man – probably because you thought his youth was exciting, right? Well, here you go. Sounds like you married a boy, not a man.

He has touched me only once in the last four months.

Either he has come to see you as mommy, or you have let yourself go, or you rejected him one too many times, or he’s no good and decided to get it elsewhere. Heck, he could have a whole other life if he is really gone that much. Or it could be all of those things. Dear Abby pretty much says the same things – except for the part where she might have let herself go or rejected him – she wouldn’t want to upset her base.

Dear Abby: Okay to Stay With a Sex Offender, But Dump a Self-Centered Husband

Okay, it has been way too long since I’ve discussed advice columns here. There has been plenty of material – and maybe I will go back and do some of them – but I couldn’t pass up this latest one from Dear Abby.

CONFUSED AND TORN IN ILLINOIS writes:

I have been in a relationship with "Wade" for six years.

Translation: I have been fornicating with Wade for six years, hoping he has been fornicating only with me, even though we’re not married.

He has gotten into trouble and can't be around children because he's a registered sex offender.

Hmmm. There are some details missing here. A sex offender could be someone who got caught going to a prostitute. Do you mean he is a child molester? Either way, as a man, it sure is nice to know that no matter what I do, I can still find a woman who will fornicate with me.

Okay, this is where it starts to get really good.

I have an 11-month-old daughter by him.

Genius! Make a baby with a registered sex offender who “can’t be around children”. Make a baby with someone who is not married to you. I’m surprised she is able to write.

I want to be with Wade and work our relationship out,

Translation: I have extremely low self-esteem, I don’t use the brain God gave me, and Wade gives me orgasms and/or makes more money than I do.

but if I do, I'll have to give custody of my daughter to my parents and live in my own place with him.

Gee, that’s a tough one. Abandon my daughter, or dump the sex offender who hasn’t bothered to marry me. Hmmmm. Oh, how to choose?!?

But wait – there’s more!

I'm in love with Wade, but I don't know if he loves or wants to be with me anymore despite the fact he keeps saying he wants to be with me.

The dude will say whatever he has to in order to keep your legs open, Einstein. Just like he probably says “I’ve lost my puppy… please help me find him” to little girls or boys he sees on the street.

Am I being silly for still wanting to be with him?

Silly? SILLY?!? No, no, no… there are much more appropriate words.

Dear Abby replies:

After six years with Wade, you are still single. You could be single forever.

That’s the first concern?!?

When you became a mother, life stopped being all about you.

Now that is very, very true.

What if you should become pregnant again? Is it fair to your parents to dump your daughter on them like an unwanted pet?

Still nothing about the danger Wade poses. At least she says...

What effect could it eventually have on the child?

To be raised by the grandparents? Hard to say – they are the same people who raised this woman who apparently has no maternal instinct whatsoever.

Do you fully understand that what you have in mind will isolate you from relatives and friends who have minor children?

What about how it could put those children in danger?

While I can't dictate what you should do with your life, I can say you're heading in the wrong direction. Please step back and rethink this.

She wrote in asking for your advice. Of course you can make suggestions. Geez. Have people really become so worried about being “judgmental” that they won’t even suggest that someone should choose their own child over a “registered sex offender” who “can’t be around children” because it is the right thing to do?

Later on in the same edition, THE SILENT PARTNER writes in:

I have been married for 12 years to the most self-centered man in the world.

Unless he kidnapped you and forced you to marry him at gunpoint, my guess is that he is still the same guy who turned you on enough to marry him 12 years ago. Back then, you told yourself he was “confident” and “interesting”. You probably didn't give nice guys the time of day.

He's an astute businessman and a good provider,

You see, she is unaware that women can provide for themselves, or that other kinds of men can be good providers, so she felt the need to marry a self-centered man.

The moment I start talking about things I think are important, he turns on his TV or shushes me.

Maybe you keep complaining about the same things – things he can’t do anything about and things you choose not to do anything about, or simply complaining about him.

How can I get him to stop ignoring me?

Get in shape, strip naked, and jump his bones. He will not ignore you unless he is gay, ill, or getting it on the side.

Notice Dear Abby’s response:

If after 12 years your husband still won't listen to you, have your lawyer talk to him.

She has no problem telling a woman who is hurt by her husband of 12 years’ self-centerdness to threaten divorce through an attorney, but can’t bring herself to tell a mother to protect her daughter from a man who may be a child molester. Through the looking glass, indeed.

Asia Leeshawn Ferguson – Darwin Award Candidate

I feel for this guy’s family, but I will not refrain from calling him an idiot. In this Atlanta Journal-Constitution article by Rhonda Cook and Marcus Garner, we read how he died.

The popular "Batman the Ride" rollercoaster at Six Flags Over Georgia remained closed Sunday while authorities continued investigating the death of a teenager who jumped over two fences and was struck by the ride.

I bet the family still gets a settlement or at least tries to.

The 17-year-old South Carolina teen who died was identified as Asia Leeshawn Ferguson, of Springfield, S.C.

Didn’t even make it to 18.

Signs about 40 to 50 feet apart on the outer fence warn that it is a "restricted area" for "authorized personnel only."

According to park officials, a sign on a locked gate at the chain link fence also reads "Danger zone" and "Do not enter."

Ferguson was decapitated when the ride struck him, police said.

Pleasant, huh?

Pierce said there were many witnesses, and the county's 911 center was almost immediately flooded with calls from people reporting what they had seen.

Somebody’s going to need counseling.

Being a former theme park employee, I know that the parks go to extremes to protect people. But there’s always going to be someone who is going to kill themselves through their own stupidity. Deaths involving rides are rare enough that they always make the national news, and most of those deaths are caused by customer mistakes, not operator error, mechanical failure, or design flaw. You are probably safer in the theme park than you are getting there. I firmly believe in “rider responsibility” as long as they have access to information about the ride and what kind of stresses it puts on the body.

This guy wasn’t even on the ride, though. He was trespassing. There was no excuse to go where he did, except to save someone else’s life.

Another example of how not following the rules can be deadly.

Is Your Ex a Jerk? You Picked Him.

I'm on MySpace. No, I'm not trying to pick up on 13-year-old girls, or even trying to get on TV by picking up on a decoy who is working with Chris Hanson of Dateline NBC. I find MySpace helpful because it gathers together many different elements of online communication into one place. I can share pictures and communicated with friends and family all over the world. I clearly state in my profile that I'm happily married and not looking for romatic or sexual attention outside of my marriage.

Anyway, one of my "friends" is a woman with whom I went to high school, for three years at least. She's divorced and raising two boys. Not long ago, she decided to move herself and her boys into her boyfriend's place.

Bad move, of course. But do you think she would listen to reason? Of course now.

I've noticed how much she badmouths her ex. Just recently her update was "[name redacted] IS AT HOME TRYING TO MEND MY KIDS BROKEN HEART FROM THERE FATHER WHO IS AN A-HOLE"

Notice the use of "THERE" instead of "THEIR", and the singular "HEART". But that's not really important.

What's important is... she picked this "A-HOLE". He turned her on enough that she married him and let him impregnate her... twice. Did he magically turn into a jerk after the second kid? My guess is no. He was a jerk all along, and that's what turned her on about him. Until she finally realized that jerks don't make good husbands or fathers.

So her boys are left without their father, and a mother who dates and posts inappropriate stuff online. And now they are living with a man who is not their father and is not married to their mother.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and tell you I haven't made some major mistakes in my life. Oh, I've blown it big time over and over again. There's no doubt about it - I need a Saviour, and I'm so thankful I know Him. But just because I'm not perfect doesn't mean I'm not going write about mistakes other people are making, too. I pray that I will stay focused on Him, and treat my wife in a way that represents His love, so that our marriage will stay strong and happy, and we never subject our children to the pain of divorce.

Finally... ladies... remember.... that jerk turned you on enough that you had sex with him. In some cases, the sex was so good that you married him.

This is one reason why some men consciously act like jerks. It gets the results for which they are looking.

Santa Ana I-5 Freeway Northbound This AM

I'm sorry, but it should NOT take three hours during the morning commute crawl to remove a car that "went over the side" of the freeway, especially in a location where that means the car was two feet off of the freeway.

Somebody was getting paid by the minute, methinks.

Man Bites Dog! (Woman to Pay Penalty For Marrying)

Poor Anne Heche.

Actually, I guess I could say "poor Ellen DeGeneres" and "poor Coleman Laffoon", for the fact that both of them lived with Heche, who has demonstrated mental instability. That can't be fun. DeGeneres moved on to a much hotter woman. Laffoon, having married Heche, is getting some very nice parting gifts now that there is a divorce settlement.

Anne Heche's five-year marriage to Coleman Laffoon is officially over, but not without a pinch to her pocketbook.

A judge ruled that Heche must pay $275,000 to her ex-husband, along with monthly child-support payments of $3,700 for the care of their 6-year-old son, Homer, according to court documents released Friday.

Only $275,000 for five years of marriage? Something tells me that if the sexes were reversed, that would be a much higher number. Perhaps there was some sort of agreement that the judge interpreted? On the other hand, what's with the $3,700 per month in child support? It doesn't take that much money to raise a child. Something tells me this will benefit Laffoon more than the child. Can't he support himself? Can't most women in divorce cases support themselves?

Heche will also have to pay 75 percent of Homer's private-school tuition. The couple agreed to split the cost of any "agreed upon extracurricular activities" for their son.

I can picture Laffoon saying "Hey, the kid needs a trip to Europe" and Heche disagreeing that he even needs go to the movies. So she's covering most of the tuition, and still has to pay all of that money in "child support".

Heche, 39, and Laffoon, 34, were married Sept. 1, 2001. He filed for divorce on Feb. 2, citing irreconcilable differences.

If this was in California, I don't think there is much you can cite other than "irreconcilable differences". But my interpretation of that is "My wife is nuts. Yes, I knew that before marrying her, but I finally realized I can live comfortably on her money without putting up with her!"

Heche starred in TV's "Men in Trees." She and Laffoon, a cameraman, met while working on a documentary about Ellen DeGeneres — with whom Heche was
romantically linked for three years.

It is very telling that the father is getting custody.

To me, this is another example of showing that the alimony and child support realities in our system are unfair. It just so happens that in this case, the male is benefitting financially at the expense of the female - which is rare.

In other Hollywood news, Vin Diesel and model Paloma Jimenez just had a child out of wedlock, making them illegitimate parents and setting a horrible example. At least they didn't have it sucked into a sink.