My husband of three years, "Mike," is never home.Was he like this before you married? Did the two of you discuss your expectations about married life ahead of time?
He goes to work and then hangs out with his buddies,
I’ll assume this is not a once-in-a-while thing and is more like a typical day. If so, he shouldn’t be doing that. Why do you think he prefers being with his buddies all of the time instead of you? Is he gay? Why else would he not want to come home to an inviting place; spend time with his kind, loving, supportive, beautiful wife (including time in bed); and enjoy a home cooked meal? Or is he not getting any of those things when he is home?
leaving me at home with our baby and my two other children until late at night.
Ah. The picture becomes a little more clear. How have things been since the baby was born? Since you got pregnant? Was he agreeable and enthusiastic to having a child? He shouldn’t have dated a woman with minor children to begin with. And you shouldn’t have been dating - you should have been concentrating on raising the two children you already had. But what is done is done, and now you are writing into an advice column.
Most of the time he doesn't bother to call, but when he does I'm usually so mad I don't answer the phone.Well that will be sure to encourage him to call more often, won’t it?
My friends say they think Mike has someone else. I'm not sure.Well, are you meeting his needs? Did you choose your husband wisely?
This has been going on for a year and a half, and I am tired of it.
So, about the time you got pregnant?
Then the picture becomes a little more clear…
When he's home, all he does is play video games.Hmmmm. Now, I have nothing women who date younger men. I enjoyed that arrangement more than once. Nor do I think it is wrong for a grown man to enjoy video games, even though I’m not a gamer. However, perhaps you married a man who was looking for mommy, or you have insisted on being his mommy? Why did you choose a younger man – probably because you thought his youth was exciting, right? Well, here you go. Sounds like you married a boy, not a man.
Abby, Mike is 34 years old. I am 41.
He has touched me only once in the last four months.
Either he has come to see you as mommy, or you have let yourself go, or you rejected him one too many times, or he’s no good and decided to get it elsewhere. Heck, he could have a whole other life if he is really gone that much. Or it could be all of those things. Dear Abby pretty much says the same things – except for the part where she might have let herself go or rejected him – she wouldn’t want to upset her base.
Well, I certainly here what you are saying about immature men, and clarifying expectations before one marries, but that's where the agreement begins and ends.
ReplyDeleteIt seems as if you are suggesting ( and I'm being kind here) that a single mom shouldn't have any life outside of her children. I have a friend that has been a widow for 10 years. Are you suggesting that she never have another relationship? That because she *GASP* had a child with her husband that she doesn't deserve to be happy? That her SOLE pupose in life is raising that child? I'd have to disagree. She is a mother first - no question. But she is also a human being that deserves love and compainionship like anyone else.
As for the suggestion that she has a baby so it's ok for him to be gone... especially if he wasn't on board - well, I think that's almost juvenile a perspective as gaming and boozing with friends instead of being a man. Here's the deal, I agree with you that man need to protect themselves - as women do. But if you are married, you don't take measures to prevent a pregnancy ( want to bet he NEVER wore a condom?) then you need to step up and grow up. Period.
Snowflake,
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and for our thoughtful omments.
I was mainly reacting to her, because she was the one who wrote in.
I do not let the guy off the hook at all. He's acting like a little boy, when he should be acting like a man.
I do hold the position that neither mothers nor fathers with minor children should be dating or marrying anyone other than the other parent of their child. Yes, I know that is blasphemy in today's culture, but I don't care. People do NOT have the right to a new lover when they have a child to raise. That takes time, energy, focus, money, and whatever else away from their child(ren), and raises the risk that their child(ren) will be abused. In the case of never-married or divorced parents - they have a history of making poor choices in this area, and odds are, their new lover will be gone before too long, causing another loss for the children, who did not choose to expose themselves. While that is less likely to be the case with widows or widowers (unless they are attracted to self-destructive people or risk-takers), many of the negative factors and risks for the children remain.
It's tough, but they should wait until their last minor child is raised.
It is NOT OK for this woman's husband to neglect his wife or children. But I don't buy gasoline expecting it to be milk, either. Media like Dear Abby often refuse to point this kind of thing our, thereby not warning their readers who may be considering getting into the same situation.
I keep seeing mention of single moms "deserving" love and companionship, like it's an entitlement; it isn't. Like respect, it's earned, and it befalls her to prove that she is worth the time and effort, just like it is for any man. Being a mother does not bestow magical, mystical properties on anyone.
ReplyDeleteIf a man does not want to be second place in anyone's life, you may scorn and scourge him for it, but it is his choice. It doesn't make him any less a man. It just makes him a man who doesn't want to become an instant father. I don't excuse men who skip out on kids they sire, but anyone else...well, that's a different matter entirely.
In reality, the single mom is always going to go along with whatever her kids think and feel, and utterly disregard her own thoughts. If the kid is a total bratling and doesn't like the guy, then the mom will dump him by the wayside. She will never ever defend the man and her choice of him to her precious little angels, and he will automatically be in the wrong. Moreover, single mothers have the option of using her kids as a crowbar to get what she wants, excusing any poor behavior on her part as "well, I did it for my kids". Will they all do it? No. But the option is there to be exercised at will.
If she has a dog that she treats like another child, then the guy has just slipped into third place. Who wants that for themselves?
Does this mean men should avoid single mothers? That's up to them. But, if they are going to get involved, they best know that the complexities of involvement have increased geometrically compared to pursuing a single woman who is not a parent.
I plan to post something more extensive soon about my reasoning in this matter.
ReplyDeleteBut I did want to mention that not only should men avoid single mothers (with the possible... possible exception of steril men who want children)...but single mothers have more important reasons to avoid men.
Parents in general, male or female, should not be seeing anyone but the other parent of their child if they have a minor child. There are more reasons for mothers to adhere to this than fathers, but it does apply to both.
Dear anonymous - I'm sure you realize this but, according to Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs, every human being "needs" to feel love and like they belong. Therefor, in my opinion, yes, every single person DOES deserve love - of some kind. Now, does that mean that the Jeffrey Dahmers of this world deserve the kind of love we are talking about- between a man and a woman - no it doesn't. However, he did deserve the love of his mother - every mother should love her child, no matter what.
ReplyDeleteYou make some valid- if superficial points. Yes, goodness forbid I should ever end up a widow and have the unfortunate circumstance of getting invovled with a shallow, superficial and self centered man ( all of which I highly doubt) You better damn well believe that my daughters would come before him, and yes, probably my dog too.
Every time I read about the nature of human relationships today I am more convinced of the happiness of my marital state. I thank you both for that.
That's what works for you, Snowflake. But my only point is that a man has the perfect right to say 'no' to being a part of this without being painted in some ugly colors. There is nothing superficial about not wanting to be a tool for someone to exploit and not wanting to rate behind an animal that cleans himself with his tongue.
ReplyDeleteBut hey...it's just a man we're talking about, right? What makes him think he deserves any better than to worship at the altar of motherhood?