Checking in on Dear Abby Again

More often then not, I see stuff in advice columns that I want to discuss here. But I run out of time. Couldn’t let this one slip.

LOST IN THE BIG CITY wrote in to Dear Abby:

Nine months ago, my wife, "Marie," left to go shopping and never came back. She took off leaving me and our three sons, ages 12, 14 and 16, without a word.

Wow, that’s very irresponsible of a spouse and parent.

We had been married 25 years.

Which means in a lot of places, she could file for divorce and live off alimony for the rest of her life. Yeah, that's justice.

We had no contact for the first three months, and she has not helped support the kids in any way. She told no one -- including her family -- that she had left.

Sounds like she has a problem with communication.

Marie has recently started talking about coming home, but I have mixed feelings. I asked why she left. She said she was unhappy and tired of living a lie. What lie? Marie refuses to elaborate.

She might expect you to read her mind, and be insulted that you are unaware of her pain and suffering.

Two of our sons don't want her back.

They don’t really get a say. They are minor children. The parents run the home.

They felt abandoned when she disappeared.

They were abandoned by her!

Dear Abby responded:

Under the circumstances, I'd say the feelings you and the boys are experiencing are normal. However, all of you need to come to terms with why your wife and their mother walked out so abruptly. Before she returns, it is important that you understand why she felt that leaving the way she did was her only option.

There is some truth to this. It would be helpful for the husband to figure out what went wrong and what his part was in it – even it was nothing more than choosing the wrong woman to marry and make three children with. He could have been an excellent husband for 25 years, but if he picked the wrong woman, this kind of thing could happen anyway.

HOWEVER, can anyone imagine this would be Dear Abby’s response if it was a wife writing about her husband having left and wanting to come back, but not confessing what he did and why? Regardless of gender, the unhappy spouse should explain the reason for their unhappiness, unless it is something that can’t be changed or was previously mutually accepted as part of their lives. The spouse/parent who bailed out so irresponsibly should confess their error, repent of it, beg forgiveness, and get help. The abandoned spouse should try to determine if there was anything reasonable that they could have done differently, but not excuse the desertion.

The entire family needs counseling together.

The husband should also look into having her sign a post-nuptial agreement and some other paperwork that will protect the rest of the family should she decide to leave again. I doubt that he can legally prevent her from moving back in, which means he probably has no leverage to get her to sign such paperwork, but he should definitely consult with an attorney anyway.

Parents With Minor Children Should Not Date

I know the divorce rate is high, even among groups that consider marriage to be sacred lifelong commitments. I know there are many people who’ve become parents out of wedlock. And I also realize that most people continually seek companionship in the romantic sense, so I know that my position that people with minor children should be focusing on them instead of dating/marrying a new person isn’t a popular one. Yes, there are some great stepparents out there.

But I think it is impossible to really separate your marriage from your children. If your children are from a previous marriage, they may think of a re-marriage as a rejection of them, despite what you tell them, especially if their other parent it still around. They may also feel this way if it has just been you and kid(s) for a while. Is it good for kids to have a role-model from the other gender around? Yes, it is. But that can be somewhat fulfilled with other relationships - your siblings, your parents, a coach, etc.

A new spouse will mean that less of your time and energy can go to your kids. If that spouse has children of their own already, it is unlikely that all of the children are going to be treated equally. If you have more children with that new spouse, it becomes even more of an issue with uneven treatment, jealousy, rejection, and competition. You can’t expect your minor children to handle these things like adults. They aren’t adults, and growing up is hard enough without added chaos.

Second marriages after divorce are even more likely than first marriages to end in divorce, and third marriages… well you get the idea. That brings more drama and turmoil to the children. If the person you made the child with was a bad partner or parent, you may be bad at picking partners. It’s somewhat different in the case of most widows and widowers, provided the deceased wasn’t self-destructive.

And while it may be that only a small minority of stepparents are abusers, the likelihood of a child being abused is higher with a stepparent. Even more so with a “live-in” unmarried partner. Also, the process of finding that new partner exposes you to abuse, assault and infection, and your child to an increased likelihood of abuse, as we see all of the time in the news. That is time and energy you should be spending with your child anyway. Your child is living without their mother or father, at least in your home.

Men who have options and are desirable partners, men who really think through things, and who don’t have reason to believe they are sterile yet they want to be fathers, are more likely to prefer women who do not have minor children, for any number of reasons. The exception would be… pedophiles. Yes, there have been good, desirable men who fell in love with and married women with children, but most guys like that did so despite the fact that she had children, or they really didn’t think it through.

Men who are only interested in sex and do not want a serious relationship prefer their women available and cheap, and a woman with minor children is less likely to be free for sex (especially at her place - or, she shouldn't be fornicating with casual partners in front of the kids), is more likely to be looking for an emotional and financial provider, or at least will expect the man to pay for a babysitter or meals and entertainment for her child(ren) as well as her. Also, that she already has a child is taken as a sign that she will either not use contraception effectively, or will go ahead and have the child if she gets pregnant – which is not what hedonistic men want. But you may not want to date guys like that anyway.

But even desirable men looking for a wife would prefer not to have minor children of hers as part of the picture. It make a carefree “honeymoon period” less likely and it brings all sorts of complications, hassles, and expenses. It may mean dealing with the father(s) of the child(ren), constant reminders of your past loves or sex partners - and if you subscribe to the modern theories of evolution or otherwise compare man to animals, the man is likely to resent raising another male’s offspring.

So, to put it another way, men who date women with minor children tend to have one or more of the following characteristics:
--Are pedophiles or otherwise abusers.
--Have an unhealthy desire to “rescue” someone.
--Care less about the turmoil this will bring to the woman’s children or their own than they care about their own needs and wants, or don't understand child development.
--Are unable to attract and sustain a relationship with a woman who doesn’t have children.*
--Don’t think through important choices in their life.
--Are unable to father children of their own and want to raise children.

Now, the ideal would be the last one and the last one only, but that’s rare.

(* Think of it this way, ladies... if you could fall in love with and marry two men who were equal in just about every way, except that one earned less and would always earn less than the other, which one would you choose? You would choose the one who earned more... unless he didn't want you and you had no other option but the man who earned less. Well, it is the same way with men and whether or not a woman is a mother to minor children. All other things being equal, he's going to prefer a woman without the minor child... but if he can't attract her, he's going to have to settle for the one with the child.)

Much of what I wrote also applies to women dating a man with a minor child. He should be focusing on raising that child, not dating women who are likely to come in and out of the child’s life. Plus, if a man is paying child support... guess what happens when you marry him? The mother of that child can get the child support increased based on YOUR income. Basically, that will mean you have worked so that some other woman can buy more expensive shoes for herself.

Is the notion of not dating until your youngest child is 18 a fun one? No. I pray that I’m never in that situation. But that should be part of the decision you make when you go ahead and make a child with someone. And maybe, just maybe, if you stick to the idea that a divorce will mean no dating/romance until that youngest child is 18, you will stick it out in your marriage and make it work. Because your marriage isn't just about you. It is about your kids, too.

Dating while raising children exposes the children to unnecessary turmoil and abuse, when they need even more of your attention and devotion. “The Brady Bunch” was not typical of reality.

Scaring a New Guy Away

I love the dating advice that shows up online from professional advisors. Some of what is written about men is spot-on. Sometimes, it is ridiculous. In this entry I want to discuss this current advice from David Wygant on Yahoo! Personals titled: Six Dating Behaviors That Scare Single Men Away

1. Trash-talking your ex.

Especially if you fornicated with him. You know what that says to the new guy? “I have sex with jerks, and I don’t stalk them afterwards.” That encourages the wrong kind of guy, if you are looking for a relationship.

Your ex is somebody you dated, invited into your life, and with whom you spent a lot of time.

So there must have been something about him that attracted you.

So don't talk negatively about your ex in any way, because what a guy thinks when you do this is that if he ever becomes your ex that you're going to trash-talk him the same way.

Yes, but I do want to disagree a little. It is okay to, once or twice, mention what you didn’t like about your ex. It helps explain why you’re not still with that person. If a guy is looking for a relationship and he knows he has those same qualities, maybe he will break it off and stop wasting your time. Or, it can be reassuring to know that you recognized those negatives and didn’t put up with them, and you are now with a guy who doesn’t have that negatives.

2. Paranoia Runs Rampant.

He’s definitely right about this one. Read the whole thing. Live it. I can vouch from experience that it is no fun at all being with someone who is paranoid. Why do you care so much? If a guy is going to do things he shouldn’t, being paranoid is not going to stop him. If you can’t trust him, don’t be in a relationship with him.

3. Trash-talking other women.

He gets that one right, too. And often, women who do this point out things men don’t really care about. "Look at that! That color is all wrong for her." We don't care.

4. Fishing for compliments.

Yes, knock that off.

5. Clingy and possessive. You don't need to do everything together.

Yes, yes, yes. See #2.

6. Pushing friends on him.

Definitely. He knows what you're up to. You are getting your friends to judge him or using him to try to impress your friends or make someone jealous. Be patient.

We don't want to be "the boyfriend" right away.

Or sometimes, not at all. Some guys just want the sex or company. The only reason a man should be the boyfriend is if he wants to get married now and is ready to get married now (25 or older, established, has achieved his dream, is saving for the future).

The writer presents these as rules for the first month or two, but they should be observed for the rest of the relationship.

Other ways to scare men away early on: wedding magazines on your coffee table; dragging him into a jewelry shop; saying “I told my family all about you!”; always ordering the most expensive thing on the menu (even if you pay); talking about how L. Ron Hubbard changed your life; starting every sentence with “Oprah says…”; showing him your tattoo of Sarah Jessica Parker; kissing your dog on the lips…

One Example of Where Most Husbands Can Do Better

Men often fail to be sensitive enough to the feelings of their wives. It is too easy for a man to think, “Well I don’t feel that way, so neither should you,” or to cite some fact that counters the feelings.

But someone’s feelings are their own, and may or may not be based on something rational. As a husband, I think we could reduce a lot of marital strife if we 1) honor her feelings by listening and being observant; 2) acknowledging her feelings when she tells us about them; 3) talking about if there is anything reasonable we can do about the feelings; 4) doing what we can, as long as it is right.

A woman’s intuition can often catch things that we have failed to objectively ascertain - such as the character flaws of an individual.

There is a reason God made men and women different. Both masculinity and femininity have important contributions to life and relationships.

Men who can’t handle this should remain unmarried.

None of what I wrote means that women should go to their husbands to endlessly complain about things he can’t change, or she doesn’t want him to change or fix. And it also helps if the wife makes it clear whether she wants simply a listening ear to which she can vent, or if she’s looking for an actual solution from him - he's not a mind reader.

Women Need to Save More (So Do Men)

Big news, brought to us by Associated Press writer Candice Choi. Women, who live longer than men (where is the outcry of sexism?), aren’t saving up enough for those golden years.

They invest more conservatively, start saving later and are more likely to be in and out of the work force, according to a study released Wednesday by Hewitt Associates, a human resources consulting firm.

The first two factors are behavioral choices made by women exercising their freedoms, and women should voluntarily address those. As for the third factor - the only reason women, in general, should be “in and out of the work force” should be for childrearing. And the only way they should be raising children is within a marriage. “Yes, but husbands leave or die,” say the women who advocate letting other people “raise” your child. That’s why women should insist in pre-nups, saving and insurance, and assist their man in staying healthy. See how conservative values work together? Choosing your husband wisely and treating him well will almost elminate the possibililty of him dumping you.

At any rate, someone will propose a government program to correct this “inequality”, I’m sure, when no government program is necessary. Or someone will bring out the tired line the women earn less than men, which isn’t true when you compare men and women doing the same kind, level, quality, and quantity of work.

The importance of saving didn't dawn on Jerre Laughlin until she was in her 40s and started working in human resources.

What was she doing until then? Spending money on shoes, purses, and trips to Cancun, figuring a fiscally responsible man would swoop in and marry her? Or counting on Big Brother?

"Women tend to be a little more risk averse, more fearful of losing money," said Alison Borland, an author of the study.

Heck, even if they saved regularly to a basic interest-bearing bank account or even stuffed money regularly into their mattress, they’d be better off than spending the money on beverages and jewelry.

Not surprisingly, the study states 90 percent of women were unsure about managing their finances.

There are, after all, no classes in offered, no cable networks, books, magazines, or newspapers that address personal finances, saving, and investing available to women, right?

Of course, many guys these days aren’t being smart about finances, either, including spending too much money on dates who earn their own money.

Overall, four out of five men and women aren't saving enough to keep up the same lifestyle after they stop working.

This is no surprise. People frequently spend more money than they need to.

Spend less money than you earn.

"Pay" yourself at least ten percent by diverting that portion of your income into savings and investments – IRAs, 401(k)s, etc., maxing out your employer’s match.

Save up for big purchases instead of financing (with the exception of a home) - do not buy anything with a credit card that you will not pay for before interest starts accruing.

Never use a "payday loan" unless your only alternative is borrowing from the mob.

Husbands: Discuss the finances and sound financial practices with your wife, who will likely outlive you. Fathers: Teach your daughter about money so she can be self-sufficient and choose to marry if the finds Mr. Right and won't feel compelled to marry or marry Mr. Wrong for the sake of his income. That will also make her less likely to vote socialist in hopes that Big Brother will take care of her.

News Flash: Men With ED Don’t Have Sex Often

Okay, so my headline is a little sarcastic. There’s a report out on a study suggesting that an active sex life in older men reduces the chances of ED.

It’s tempting, I’m sure, for older men to quote this to their wives who have been reluctant to engage in lovemaking. It might not be helpful, because if she doesn’t want to have sex to begin with, it might give her incentive to decrease the frequency even more hoping the man will get ED). Of course, anyone involved in research can tell you that correlation does not establish causation. How do we know that it wasn’t ED that led the men who had less sex to have less sex in the first place? Perhaps the things that caused ED (such as obesity) also turned off potential sexual partners. Or, in the case of women attracted to money – if a man has less testosterone and is therefore less aggressive or ambitious, he might find himself with ED and without a sexual partner – independent of each other, with both cause by the hormonal imbalance.

In a study that followed nearly 1,000 older Finnish men for five years, researchers found that those who were regularly having sex at the start of the study were at lower risk of developing erectile dysfunction (ED) by the study's end.

In fact, the more often the men had sex, the lower their ED risk.

The implication, say the researchers, is that men should be encouraged to stay sexually active into their golden years.

Hey, I don’t need any more encouragement.

Overall, those who said they had sex less than once per week were twice as likely to develop ED over the next five years as men who had sex at least once a week. Furthermore, compared with men who had sex three or more times per week, their ED risk was increased nearly four-fold.

A number of factors contribute to ED development, many of which could also affect a man's sexually activity -- such as age, diabetes and heart disease. However, after taking account of those factors, sexual activity itself remained linked to ED risk, Koskimaki's team found.

That’s key to making determinations.

It may be a matter of "use it or lose it," according to the researchers. Just as exercise boosts physical fitness, they note, regular sexual activity may help a man preserve his erectile function.

ED occurs when there are problems with blood flow to the penis. Regular sexual activity, Koskimaki's team writes, may help maintain healthy blood vessel function in the erectile tissue.

Sex is a form of exercise.

The news report doesn’t mention the marital and fidelity status of the participants, nor their masturbation frequency. The personal characteristics of a man’s wife just may have some correlation to whether or not he develops ED.

Along with what we know about prostate health, wives should take note: If you want a healthy husband, encourage him to have frequent erections and ejaculation. The best way to do this, of course, is to be his "girlfriend".

Marrying a Boy, Expecting a Man?

HOME ALONE IN WEST VIRGINIA wrote in to Dear Abby:

My husband of three years, "Mike," is never home.

Was he like this before you married? Did the two of you discuss your expectations about married life ahead of time?

He goes to work and then hangs out with his buddies,

I’ll assume this is not a once-in-a-while thing and is more like a typical day. If so, he shouldn’t be doing that. Why do you think he prefers being with his buddies all of the time instead of you? Is he gay? Why else would he not want to come home to an inviting place; spend time with his kind, loving, supportive, beautiful wife (including time in bed); and enjoy a home cooked meal? Or is he not getting any of those things when he is home?

leaving me at home with our baby and my two other children until late at night.

Ah. The picture becomes a little more clear. How have things been since the baby was born? Since you got pregnant? Was he agreeable and enthusiastic to having a child? He shouldn’t have dated a woman with minor children to begin with. And you shouldn’t have been dating - you should have been concentrating on raising the two children you already had. But what is done is done, and now you are writing into an advice column.

Most of the time he doesn't bother to call, but when he does I'm usually so mad I don't answer the phone.

Well that will be sure to encourage him to call more often, won’t it?

My friends say they think Mike has someone else. I'm not sure.

Well, are you meeting his needs? Did you choose your husband wisely?

This has been going on for a year and a half, and I am tired of it.

So, about the time you got pregnant?

Then the picture becomes a little more clear…

When he's home, all he does is play video games.

Abby, Mike is 34 years old. I am 41.

Hmmmm. Now, I have nothing women who date younger men. I enjoyed that arrangement more than once. Nor do I think it is wrong for a grown man to enjoy video games, even though I’m not a gamer. However, perhaps you married a man who was looking for mommy, or you have insisted on being his mommy? Why did you choose a younger man – probably because you thought his youth was exciting, right? Well, here you go. Sounds like you married a boy, not a man.

He has touched me only once in the last four months.

Either he has come to see you as mommy, or you have let yourself go, or you rejected him one too many times, or he’s no good and decided to get it elsewhere. Heck, he could have a whole other life if he is really gone that much. Or it could be all of those things. Dear Abby pretty much says the same things – except for the part where she might have let herself go or rejected him – she wouldn’t want to upset her base.

Dear Abby: Okay to Stay With a Sex Offender, But Dump a Self-Centered Husband

Okay, it has been way too long since I’ve discussed advice columns here. There has been plenty of material – and maybe I will go back and do some of them – but I couldn’t pass up this latest one from Dear Abby.

CONFUSED AND TORN IN ILLINOIS writes:

I have been in a relationship with "Wade" for six years.

Translation: I have been fornicating with Wade for six years, hoping he has been fornicating only with me, even though we’re not married.

He has gotten into trouble and can't be around children because he's a registered sex offender.

Hmmm. There are some details missing here. A sex offender could be someone who got caught going to a prostitute. Do you mean he is a child molester? Either way, as a man, it sure is nice to know that no matter what I do, I can still find a woman who will fornicate with me.

Okay, this is where it starts to get really good.

I have an 11-month-old daughter by him.

Genius! Make a baby with a registered sex offender who “can’t be around children”. Make a baby with someone who is not married to you. I’m surprised she is able to write.

I want to be with Wade and work our relationship out,

Translation: I have extremely low self-esteem, I don’t use the brain God gave me, and Wade gives me orgasms and/or makes more money than I do.

but if I do, I'll have to give custody of my daughter to my parents and live in my own place with him.

Gee, that’s a tough one. Abandon my daughter, or dump the sex offender who hasn’t bothered to marry me. Hmmmm. Oh, how to choose?!?

But wait – there’s more!

I'm in love with Wade, but I don't know if he loves or wants to be with me anymore despite the fact he keeps saying he wants to be with me.

The dude will say whatever he has to in order to keep your legs open, Einstein. Just like he probably says “I’ve lost my puppy… please help me find him” to little girls or boys he sees on the street.

Am I being silly for still wanting to be with him?

Silly? SILLY?!? No, no, no… there are much more appropriate words.

Dear Abby replies:

After six years with Wade, you are still single. You could be single forever.

That’s the first concern?!?

When you became a mother, life stopped being all about you.

Now that is very, very true.

What if you should become pregnant again? Is it fair to your parents to dump your daughter on them like an unwanted pet?

Still nothing about the danger Wade poses. At least she says...

What effect could it eventually have on the child?

To be raised by the grandparents? Hard to say – they are the same people who raised this woman who apparently has no maternal instinct whatsoever.

Do you fully understand that what you have in mind will isolate you from relatives and friends who have minor children?

What about how it could put those children in danger?

While I can't dictate what you should do with your life, I can say you're heading in the wrong direction. Please step back and rethink this.

She wrote in asking for your advice. Of course you can make suggestions. Geez. Have people really become so worried about being “judgmental” that they won’t even suggest that someone should choose their own child over a “registered sex offender” who “can’t be around children” because it is the right thing to do?

Later on in the same edition, THE SILENT PARTNER writes in:

I have been married for 12 years to the most self-centered man in the world.

Unless he kidnapped you and forced you to marry him at gunpoint, my guess is that he is still the same guy who turned you on enough to marry him 12 years ago. Back then, you told yourself he was “confident” and “interesting”. You probably didn't give nice guys the time of day.

He's an astute businessman and a good provider,

You see, she is unaware that women can provide for themselves, or that other kinds of men can be good providers, so she felt the need to marry a self-centered man.

The moment I start talking about things I think are important, he turns on his TV or shushes me.

Maybe you keep complaining about the same things – things he can’t do anything about and things you choose not to do anything about, or simply complaining about him.

How can I get him to stop ignoring me?

Get in shape, strip naked, and jump his bones. He will not ignore you unless he is gay, ill, or getting it on the side.

Notice Dear Abby’s response:

If after 12 years your husband still won't listen to you, have your lawyer talk to him.

She has no problem telling a woman who is hurt by her husband of 12 years’ self-centerdness to threaten divorce through an attorney, but can’t bring herself to tell a mother to protect her daughter from a man who may be a child molester. Through the looking glass, indeed.