Let’s Check Up on a Marital Bed

 

Mine.

We’re going to check up on my marital bed.

I want you unmarried men to get a realistic perspective on marriage. Be sure to bookmark this place. Any time you think you might want to marry, read those reports from the front lines.

This post is going to talk about “adult” matters a bit explicitly. Duh. So if you you’d rather not read about that stuff, move on to another entry.

OK, so, my wife and I have been married for… many years. We’re into middle age now. Well, definitely I am. She’s not far behind me. 

I will say, my wife hasn’t blimped up nor butched up, unlike so many other American wives. She’s gained weight, to be sure, but she was about as thin as I could accept when we married. I figured/hoped she’d gain some weight. She’s kept her hair long, and her hair “down there” shaved, which is good because I like the view and it makes it easier for me to do my favorite thing. So, I do appreciate her efforts as far as those things go.

There’s the inevitable march of time, along with breastfeeding all those years ago, that have taken their toll.

That’s not really much of a problem though. She’s still a lot younger than my oldest lovers were in my years as an unmarried young man.

No, the problems are that she has a very low sex drive and many hang ups and inhibitions, and almost every time we do it, it’s planned (and only if not cancelled or “delayed” yet again) and in what’s supposed to be the middle of my sleep cycle. I don’t get enough sleep, but if I don’t agree to sacrifice some of the sleep I could get, our bedroom will be even closer to permanently dead. And if she “can’t” wake me up after barely trying, she’ll simply go to sleep. So when she’s indicated before I turn in that we can get busy when she finally joins me in bed (which will usually be hours later), I’ll often keep myself from fully falling asleep until after our session.

For many years, we were down to about once every 3-to-6 weeks for any sexual contact at all. But having more pity on me, she has responded to an increase in stress in my life by planning to do fellatio more often. We might be up to once per week or two. I’m fully aware many husbands wish they could get that much. But you have to understand, this is in the  dark, quiet, her lower parts covered, and with her treating my ejaculate like poison; she’ll actually pull away so early sometimes I’ll have to get myself over the top. She gave better fellatio a few times - the best she ever has - before we married, including gulping it all down. Hmm. Gee, I wonder what changed? Ah yes, wedding cake does that to many women.

Another discouraging turn-off is when she “schedules” our interaction for “tomorrow night” or “tonight” and then she delays it. This is frequent. A “delay”is more likely to happen than not, and often is a de facto cancellation. It’s not like there are all these rain checks being stored up that will be “paid out” sometime in the future. 

It’s almost always scheduled rather than spontaneous and it’s never a surprise, meaning if it’s spontaneous it’s because she decided not to turn me down this time when I initiated. She’s not spontaneous about this. I have learned not to be through repeated rejections and negative feedback; almost always, it’s going to be her telling me we can.

If the stars have aligned, and I’ve jumped through enough hoops, she will tell me to shower and shave before I go to bed. Showering is always required before any sexual contact. The shaving part of the request means she intends to give me access to her as well.

And if, in the next two to five hours, nothing has happened to change course, she’ll come to bed when I’m supposed to be in the middle of my sleep cycle, willing to engage. And yes, even if the kids aren’t home, it will be in bed; anywhere else, a pet might see us. I kid you not. (Such a strange limitation considering we had her pet in bed with us when we first married.)

I’ve not only showered thoroughly, but I’ve applied specific flavoring to my crotch, at her insistence because the “natural” flavor of my skin (after body wash and water) must be such a turn-off. The flavoring isn’t anything from our kitchen. She wouldn’t want to ever think about sex while eating. (So, no getting playful with syrups or whipped creams or anything else food related.)

Even so, there’s a good chance the flavoring will have been wasted; that was the case even before she recently started to ease my tension on some other nights.

If I’m really lucky, she will turn on a dimmed light so I can see her.

She’ll find me either half awake, having held off on badly needed rest in hopes of “getting some,” or she’ll wake me up and I’ll be very groggy.

From there, we’re off to the races, in virtual silence the whole time.

And by races I mean I’ll try to give her all the affection she says she wants. I’m from the “she comes first” way of doing things. So, there’ll be kissing, maybe I’ll enjoy her breasts for a while, and then I’ll usually move on to cunnilingus, which is my favorite thing to do. And that’s good, because there are very few things I’m allowed to do.

Fingers are not allowed inside her during cunnilingus. Petting or stroking her anywhere is not allowed at any time, whatever the circumstances, other than in a specific ways during or immediately after our session. Also, she never runs her hands over herself, never touches her own breasts, never touches herself down there in front of me; she will allow me to move her hands in my effort to encourage those things, but will stop after I take my hands away from hers and she’ll move her hands away.

If I’m lucky, somewhere along the way, she will tug on me a bit, maybe even take me into her mouth for a bit.

Whatever touches her lower/vertical pair of lips, such as my lips, hands, or you-know-what can’t subsequently touch her mouth, so I have to be careful about what I do in which order, and when. And no, she’ll never get so passionate or lost in the moment for an exception to be made.

I’ll do cunnilingus, which is my favorite thing, any way I can, including from behind, but it will usually be with her resting on her back. She will almost always climax from the cunnilingus. Just once. She will literally push me away if I try for a multiple, no matter how long I wait.

There’s a small but not zero chance, if she has climaxed, she’ll curl up and that’ll be it for the night. I won’t have finished. But usually, instead, she’ll make it clear she wants intercourse, which is almost always missionary. If I kiss her during or after, it won’t be on her mouth. She’ll literally turn her head if I try.

Once in a while, she will want intercourse before she has climaxed, and in those cases I’ll return to cunnilingus after intercourse, even if I’ve climaxed, to get her over that hill. The exception will be if she says there’s no way it’ll happen this time and I should stop, but that’s very rare.

Her eyes will be closed during intercourse, and again, it’s quiet. She doesn’t do anything, just kind of relaxes and takes it. The Dead Bedroom people call it starfishing.

She wants me going off inside. It’s proof she isn’t actually allergic to my stuff. (I’m shooting blanks, so this isn’t about trying for a late pregnancy.)

After, while I’m still inside her, she will continue to be still. This will be the one time I can rub her arms, legs, stomach, whatever, and I tend to make the most of that.

I’ll often think about how that’s all going to have to last me for 3-to-6 weeks. We won’t even spoon, cuddle, or snuggle until that time weeks later, as foreplay. We never touch while resting or sleeping; at all.

That’s all by her choice. All the limits and restrictions are by her choice. I’ve never said no to her when it comes to sex or physical affection, but then she doesn’t ask for much, as you can see.

That’s it. That’s how it is for us. No adventures. No experimenting, even though we have books, including “activity” books and a game or two for a couple, and an app or two. Those sit unused. I don’t ever think, “Wow, that’s the best I’ve ever had!” There are a couple of toys that get used once in a blue moon.

I drift off to sleep thinking “Well, that’s it. It’s never going to get any better.”

She will say “thanks” to me the next day, as if it was amazing. I’ll appear to match her enthusiasm, because I’d still rather encourage her than discourage her.

And there are plenty of husbands who wish they had it this “good.” I know I could have it a lot worse. But it’s nothing like the great times I experienced before I signed that terrible state contract.

There’s nobody else. She’s not doing anything with anybody else and neither am I. I mean, maybe she sexts someone, but I’d wager a lot of good money she doesn’t. I don’t. We don’t watch even slightly erotic media together. She never sends me any pics. We don’t sext each other. We don’t get heated in our texts; just slightly flirty. Sometimes, when we’re in a common area of the house, she’ll flash me a nipple or I’ll caress her, or she’ll pinch me as she passes by. That’s the most that will happen, other than kisses.

So, that’s how things are.

What do I want? What most men want: A harem with a revolving door. Lots of group stuff with me being the only guy.

What do I want that’s realistic and wouldn’t get me kicked out of my church? Believe it or not, one thing is spooning. One of the things I liked in past relationships was literally sleeping together. Actually together, not like now and all throughout my marriage: in the same bed but completely apart. I want enthusiasm and passion. I want a lover who craves sex or at least behaves like it. I want fellatio like I used to get. I want a few more common positions more often; I’m not asking for anything that requires a contortionist. I want to get frisky outside of bed, too. I want these things 3-or-4 times per week. Not going to happen.

I keep myself groomed and practice good hygiene. I have all of my hair. I take her out on dates, and ask her out more than she accepts. She says I’m an excellent husband and father. I do more chores than she does. I work, she doesn’t. The kids are old enough to take care of themselves. I’m not in my best shape, but this is pretty much how things were when I was in my best shape, and I’m generally healthy.

Here’s where some well-meaning person will say “Communicate!”

I have. It makes things worse. And no, I’m not a bad communicator. Talking about it makes things worse. She has imposed additional restrictions when we’ve talked; nothing has gotten better, so it’s not a trade-off, but rather a net negative for me. Oh, she has claimed a desire to increase frequency. But there’s nothing I can do to make that happen and she doesn’t follow through. She’s aware I’d like it more. She has said so. She’s also said things during these talks Dr. Laura says there’s no coming back from, so talking with her about this brings the risk of me becoming permanently turned off.

What are the other options?

Leave? Once the kids are grown, I can do that. I’d lose most of my wealth (because legally it’s “ours”) and I’d have to financially take care of her the rest of her life. How much of our money would go to lawyers? My kids would hate it even if grown. I’d have to move, along with all of other disruption.

Secretly cheat? That’s not me.

Negotiate an arrangement? More couples do this than most people realize. One way is that a wife will tell her husband he can get it elsewhere under a set of conditions she sets down. I’ve known my wife a long time now, and she’d never agree to that. Unless she’s fooling me, she thinks our marriage is great. But even if she knew the truth about how I feel, I can’t see her agreeing to an arrangement. There’s a slight chance that once the kids are out, I can sit her down and say the options are divorce, an arrangement, or she changes, and she’d choose the second or third option, but it’s more likely we’ll win the lottery, which we almost never play. I just can’t see myself being married, especially to her, and pursuing sex with another woman.

Masturbate? Of course I do. But that doesn’t replace spooning, good fellatio, or cunnilingus. And technology isn’t quite there yet.

So… provided we both live, what’s most likely to happen is, as we get older and older, things will get more and more like going through the motions, with the same (aging) woman, my body aging as well, and then I’ll die.

At least I still have memories of the great experiences I did have before I married.

Never get into a situation like this in the first place, guys. Stay free.