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Thursday, May 29, 2014

I Did Not Miss You

Recently, after I’d implemented my New Attitude, my wife was still upset about the last incident where I was yelling at the kids (it was over a situation where they were endangering themselves). She repeatedly asked me to leave the home to stay somewhere else. I refused. So after a couple of days of me handling the kids without yelling at them, without discussing the issue with me or telling me what she was going to do, while I was out working, she packed up some items, packed up the kids, and took them to the home of her married-with-kids sister. I came home and realized, after I didn’t get immediately presented with demands, that they weren’t there. There was no note left. I had to check my e-mail to find a message that had been sent only a few minutes before explaining her plans. I was relieved that, if her message were to be believed anyway, the kids were alive and safe and with other responsible, capable adults. The way she handled that, though, was unacceptable.

My father’s response (I think he was tipped off by my sister) was to call and tell me to change the locks. If it was just my wife, I would have. However, I have an obligation to my children.

Despite my attempts to communicate, my wife refused to respond to me for over two days. Evidently, she, her sister, and brother-in-law were unable to handle my son, so my wife dropped him off with my mother after a couple of days.

I still had to work and do the necessary chores around the house, but the few waking hours I had at home were GREAT! I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted, without interruptions, without nagging, without snide sarcasm. I wasn’t asked to do things by my wife that she should be able to do for herself.

On the fifth day, I had my regularly scheduled individual therapy session. Ah, there was too much to cover in such a short amount of time. After returning home from that, as planned, my wife started a text discussion that lasted for over three hours. It was more one-sided “You need to change” nagging (I’ve never asked her to change anything about herself, although I could have) and immaturity on her part. She even sent me a link to a music video about breaking up or a sad time in a relationship. What are we, seventh graders? I, of course, tried multitasking because it was just too much nonsense, but she realized I was changing screens and she berated me for it. So I multitasked on a difference device.

I missed my kids. There was nothing good to miss about my wife. She hadn’t been making dinner, running errands, or doing much around the house at all. We hadn’t been spending time together at home, we hadn’t been hugging and kissing, we hadn’t been going on dates – and not for my lack of offering/trying. Sex? HA! Since she likes reserving my mercy dose of sex for a one weekly go on a weekend night, it is very easy for her to escape that “obligation” by picking something I did that needs to be punished, or saying I should get more rest, or telling me it would better to do the next night (9 out of 10 times, it ends up not happening that next night). I really don’t want a hostage anyway. As of this writing, it has been at least two and a half weeks since our last sexual encounter, with no end in sight, despite the fact that…

I convinced her to return on the sixth day, along with our daughter, and my mother brought my son back. The kids had missed me, judging from their actions. Since they all returned, I have been behaving myself despite several instances where other parents might have yelled at their kids.

We had a therapy session as a couple. There was so much I never got around to bringing up because my wife was already crying through so much of it. I had to bite my tongue a few times, especially in response to the therapist, who I generally like.

After the session, I managed to get my wife to accept a dinner date with me. It was good to see her actually eat something (a history of anorexia is yet another thing that kept hidden to me until after I was vested in the marital contract), and something that wasn’t junk sweets. The dinner was already keeping me out too late, but as it was winding down, she requested I help with some chores once we got home. Ugh. She operates as though she doesn’t know that I am the sole support of this family and that it is important for me to get enough rest before I go off to work. Yes, I could have told her “no”, but there would have been hell to pay for that, and I was trying to get her back into a positive attitude.

It’s not like she has any responsibilities other than being a wife and mother. I realize those are challenging and extremely important roles, and that is why I readily agreed to be the sole income earner (and now I’m looking to take on additional work even though I already work full-time). She doesn’t work. She doesn’t volunteer. She’s not part of an in-person team or club. She doesn’t have a productive hobby anymore, such as gardening or knitting or sewing. She’s not taking care of a parent. She’s not managing our finances and bills. Being a wife and mother is IT, and yet she’s doing pretty much nothing as a wife and not nearly enough as a mother.

I come home after a full day of work straight out of a Dilbert cartoon and literally, immediately, the kids rush to me with their requests because their mother wants to them sit around the house because it is easier on her. They want me to take them here or there, or do some physical activity with them. And I do, because that’s what a good father does, especially when their mother doesn’t. This will mean a late dinner for me and a too-late bedtime and no time for me to relax. Meanwhile, the woman who is legally entitled to half of every penny I’m earning sits in our bed or on the couch, watching television and playing mindless tablet games. I like spending time with the kids, as long as they aren’t auditioning for a new season of Supernanny. I can’t say I like it more than having a little time to myself on my own terms, but maybe I could if I had more of such time.

When I am working, I’m often getting texts from my wife complaining about how she can’t control the children, and how she’s fallen over and hit her head or bruised herself. She can have a tough enough time walking these days, but when you add in the sea of debris that our home’s floor can become soon after we’ve paid someone to clean the place, even the most physically coordinated person is going to trip sometime. Could I clean the place up myself? Yes, I could, if I gave up some more of the precious few hours of sleep I get, and if I didn’t want to stick to my principle that we’re supposed to have a division of labor.

So, to wrap this entry, I’ll say a couple of things I probably have said here before. Here I am, someone who would self-identify (and be identified by others) as a conservative, family-minded Evangelical Christian who is intellectually convinced that sex is for marriage, and yet: 1) I can’t fully regret the fornication in my past because if I hadn’t had those experiences to give me perspective now, I’d be in a much worse place psychologically and think I was completely unlovable by other normal human beings, or I’d be more likely to divorce to try to remarry so I could experience a healthy sex life, and 2) I can’t in good conscience recommend LEGAL marriage to my son or any other guy (with certain exceptions I’ll have to save for another entry). Ladies, you might find that second one offensive. Yes, I’m fully away my wife’s situation is not typical and there are some women out there who are consistently great wives and mothers, but the risk is too high, and the laws and courts enable women to ruin husbands. Even the best wife and mother can become destructive and hurtful with a hormonal problem or a brain injury. Dr. Laura has indicated that 40% of first marriages end in divorce. I just heard author Rabbi Shmuley Boteach say a third of marriages are sexless. In considering the remaining percentage of marriages that don’t end in divorce, aren’t sexless, yet are often unhappy or troubled, then the odds are NOT in favor of lasting, happy marriages in which the spouses are faithful.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

The Sick Irony of the Isla Vista Mass Murder

... is that had that evil waste of human potential who carried it out lived, he would have had female groupies, maybe even marrying one of them as he served or awaited his sentence. Guys who rape, torture, and murder kids get female groupies.

Complain about misogyny and the NRA all you want, and tweet #YesAllWomen, but remember that there are women who CHOOSE to worship evil guys like this murderer. How about addressing that?
How about addressing women who CHOOSE to stay with with abusive guys, not only risking themselves, but their children?

No, no guy should beat, rape, or murder a woman or anyone else. No, severely mentally ill people shouldn't have guns. Violently mentally ill people shouldn't even be out and about.

This is not about rape culture or gun culture. It is about allowing evil people and violently mentally ill people to give off warning signs and still remain free.

Monday, May 19, 2014

A New Attitude

I need to stop yelling at my wife and kids.

If for no other reason, my kids need one good parent who doesn't abuse or neglect them, and instead will protect them.

I think I know how I’ll be able to. In addition to all of the advice I have been gleaning from multiple sources, some personalized, I have decided that a significant problem has been my expectations. I've been frustrated because I expected my wife to be a functional, effective wife and mother. I expected this because she was eager to be a stay at home mother and I was glad she was eager to be, and that was the plan long before we married. I also expected it because she had been able live on her own and to work full time with children, and was educated in caring for children, child development, nutrition, etc.

But my expectations were not built on the whole truth, because I didn't know the whole truth. I'm not excusing my yelling, just explaining it. My expectations led to my frustrations which led to my yelling. Changing my expectations will be one the factors and that will allow me to stop the yelling. So far, I have restrained myself multiple times due to this shift in expectations.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Who Has Time For Hobbies With All of These Appointments?

I've been seeing a therapist for a while. In addition to that, my wife and I have been, together, seeing a different therapist who has a lot of experience in dealing with situations in which one parent has a disability and the kids are acting out. This second therapist we sought to help us with our parenting because we’re apparently doing a horrible job.

There were a few simple things the therapist told us to do in order to help our marriage because the marriage is the foundation of the family, so this will eventually help our family dynamic. One was having a date night at the bare minimum of once per month. Another was sitting together and being together for a mere fifteen minutes in front of our children, without allowing the demands of the children or them demonstrating cage fighting techniques on each other to interrupt this time together. With weeks behind us since that those suggestions given, we haven’t done either.

We haven't done the second one because when I'm home and awake and the kids are home, my wife takes the opportunity to take time to herself.

We haven't done the first one because my wife prefers to put off doing chores until my family has our kids. OK, so my wife doesn't want to go out. How about some lovemaking? No, why would she want to that more than once per week? It's only minimally enjoyable for her because of the medication cocktail she'll be taking the rest of her life. Well, at least I can catch up on some desperately needed sleep, right? Uh, well... no. My wife had errands for me to run. That's my fault, I will admit. Instead of thinking of what would make her life easier, I should have told her "HELL NO I will not run errands, I'm going to get some sleep. You run the errands while I'm working the kids are still with my family." But I didn't.

My wife knows I'll eat one way or another, so she doesn't make a point to care if I eat.

My wife doesn't care if I'm extremely tired and not working to my potential. It doesn't cross her mind, I'm, sure, as long as the benefits are paid for and the bills are paid.

She could turn it around (and has) to say I have no idea what it is like living in her body. Which is when I want to scream with every ounce of energy I have left, "YOU CHOOSE TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN. JUST BECAUSE YOU WANTED IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD HAVE SET UP THIS SITUATION FOR CHILDREN!!!" She thinks the kids should just suck it up and have a limited life because their mother is disabled. Because their mother chose to become a mother knowing she was disabled and then experimented with treatments, leaving her a lot worse off than when we were dating.

The issues with the physical disability are bad enough, but there is no way I would have married her and had children with her if I knew of her mental health history (more of which has come out in the therapy) and her apparent need for ongoing medication for that. I didn't know because neither she nor her family were open with me about it before I married her, probably because they knew I wouldn't have married her.

I've been getting closer and closer to yelling the statement in caps up there two paragraphs up. The closest I came was when I congratulated her on getting what she wanted (to be a wife and mother), at the height of one family meltdown or another.

She has been saying to me what I've been thinking about her current effectiveness as a wife and as a mother, but when she says it I don't have the heart to explicitly agree. Instead, I tell her what she does right/well, or I ask her why she is saying what she is. I neither agree nor deny her statements. I don't want to deny them because, well, they're true, or at least I think they are.

Even though we don't have the money for it, we've been more or less replacing her with surrogates. We haven't sat down and verbalized that is what we're doing, but it is pretty much what we've been doing, slowly but surely. Of course, this does not extend to sex. Her responsibilities as a wife and mother are being increasingly offloaded onto others. Well, actually, mostly mother. I can survive without a wife, so the needs of the kids are what take priority.

At this point, without some sort of dramatic improvement in her physical condition due to finding the right treatment (or reverting back to the treatments she used to get), I don't see how we're going to avoid moving in with someone or having someone move in with us.

How does a therapist help a man deal effectively with staying in a difficult situation that he's in because he fell for fraud and misrepresentation? How does a therapist help a man deal with the fact that his own government will force him to support, for the rest of his life, the person who perpetrated this? How does a therapist help a man deal with the fact that all of this is cheating his kids out of the childhood he intended to give them?

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

And You Are...?

I can't help but ask, "And who appointed you to the position of deciding this for my sex?" whenever I hear a woman, no matter how much I admire her, publicly proclaim "Here's a list of the qualities of a real man." or something of the sort. If she's doing it in private to a boy she's raising, fine... but public pronouncements of that sort leave me shaking my head. Be honest, lady. Say "These are the qualities that turn me on in a man" (of course we know what women SAY turns them on and what actually does are often two different things) or "These are the qualities in men I think are beneficial to society." It is especially amusing if they say a "real man" is one who takes all sorts of crap from women and gives up all his hopes and dreams and works his ass for people who never appreciate it, but take it for granted.

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

You Know It Is Bad When

You know it is bad when you wonder if life would have been better for you and your children if you'd had not stopped your wife from committing suicide a year and a half ago.

If it came down to it, I know I would intervene and jump through all of the hoops all over again to save her from herself, because that's just who I am.

But sometimes, when I'm away from home for several hours and she's been quiet rather than sending me texts, I wonder if she has done herself in intentionally or accidentally, and if that would be so bad. My primary concern about that would be the kids being there and being distraught, or that she would have harmed the children.

We are getting already, and seeking the help of more, professionals. This is not how I wanted to spend my time and money, but this is how it is.